The male gaze is a thing

The male gaze

As young women we learn all about the male gaze early in adolescence. Many of us oscillate between craving it and avoiding it. If you are one of the lucky ones you never come to hate or fear it due to a traumatic experience. Over the years I moved through many feelings about the male gaze, but I am happy to announce I am mostly indifferent to it especially as it applies to my fashion sense, and this is a thing now. In Italy I observed a movement among a younger generation of women who appear to be unconcerned with what their male peers find attractive. They dressed to appease their internal aesthetic or perhaps as an aversion to their mother's or father's idea of beautiful. This segment is averse to the traditional standards of beauty: push-up bras, neatly coifed hairstyles, structured dresses. Instead they opt for bag/saggy jeans with low crotches, sport bras and a generally more androgynous look. I thought this was a teenage fad but I found there were quite a few women in their thirties and beyond rocking this look.

Italian streetwear

Enter the Man Repeller blog. The creator Leandrea Medine is a style icon known for her eccentric, eclectic and (need another 'e' word here) evolved sense of style. She does not dress to attract the male gaze in the traditional sense. Instead she seeks to express herself through fashion. Her style is part Carrie from Sex and the City and part something entirely of her own making. I saw her at the airport last year in Amsterdam. I was travelling with Hunter and he is the only reason I did not go fan girl hysterical. She was wearing one of her more subdued ensembles and she was with her husband casually making their way to the next gate. I stayed close, but not too close rehearsing what I would say and how I would say it. The words never came and she boarded early as a first class passenger. I did miss my chance to speak to her about what inspires her fashion choices, but thought it was best to admire her from afar.

Leandrea style collage

At a glance her style looks haphazard, odd perhaps even unappealing. And that is where this concept transitions from weird to fascinating. These looks are all carefully curated. The first is a bit edgy due to the cropped sweater, but the second is quite odd. Notice the cuffed jeans and the stark white boots. The third is gorgeous. I have a pair of similar shoes. This is fascinating because except for the first look those are not the kind of outfits one would wear to girls night out where the objective was to attract male attention. She is not dressed to attract the male gaze, but for her own personal expression. There is a movement to dress in an original, anti-supermodel way and I love it. Some would argue this is an evolution of queer-girl style. Lesbians who have little to no regard for the male gaze have dressed this ways for years and years and years. But this trend is moving into the mainstream. It is standing out from all the other trends that come and go. Of course I have a few androgynous pieces in my wardrobe but, I have leaned away from the more creative utilitarian pieces that would make me a card carrying member of this revolution.

Me wearing a pair of low-crotch pants 

As women the male gaze is constantly upon us. As women in the western world we have immense freedom of choice to decide how we react to it. Some of us choose to embrace it, others choose to avoid it, while some choose to let it not explicitly inform their sense of style. To some the baggy pants are just ugly, but the Italian women wore them with so much confidence I eventually grew curious. I see their low crotch pants and checkmate the move with hot pink heels. Let's call it the selfie gaze. An expression of how I want to see myself.

There are no heating pipes down here

Saturday after the vision board party I felt so alive. I was elevated to a higher frequency. Chronically cold between October and March not matter what, I suddenly had hot feet. The soles of my feet felt as if I was standing on heating pipe. Savannah has a sub-tropical climate. There are no heating pipes in houses. My reality glowing with expectation of the massive possibilities ahead of me. Sunday came and went. I was focused on the important call a local recruiter scheduled with me for Monday. That was today.

I prepared for the call as is my way. Laptop, hard copy of my resume, my new Lilly Pulitzer planner and phone all on hand. I eagerly watched the clock on my iPhone change to 10:00am. I took so much pleasure last week when my 10:00 called me at 10:00 on the dot. I returned the favor. We chatted briefly before getting down to my resume and more importantly what kind of work do I want to find. We went over the economics of the area. The small market for a person with my skills. The competition from the universities in the area. All facts that drain my life force, and brought that winter chill back to my feet. She sounded hopeful, but the words she said sounded hopeless. Just more confirmation of what I have experienced over the past year.

After we hung up I looked at my planner to see what else I had planned for the week. I felt the opposite of what I felt on Saturday. I would certainly prefer to start a business while I have a job, but that just might not happen. I heard Sara Blakely, the creator of Spanx on radio yesterday. She detailed the challenges she faced and the risks she took to bring her vision to life. She made it sound doable. As if anyone one with an idea, drive and support could make it happen.  I have to stay close to the fuel that keeps the vision alive.

My vision board from the party

I signed up for another Hilary Rushford class. She's a stylist, blogger and IG guru. I posted a picture from Glennon Doyle's IG page about the women's March and she noticed. Entrepreneurs are everywhere making a living from their ideas. I want to feel that sense of success. There are days such as Saturday when I feel I can do this. Then I have days like today when I wonder if it's a pipe dream.

This is my idea of a good time

I attended the Brunch and Vision Board party this weekend. The lovely Samantha Calonita hosted. She created the MeetUp I joined when arrived in Savannah last year. I cannot believe it is a year already, but I will save that discussion for another post. This post is about the party.

In the strictest sense of the term I am a vision board novice, but as far the brunch and party parts go I am an expert. In our first apartment in Italy I had a dressing room we named the Dollhouse because I kept the dolls from my doll collection in there. I decorated the walls and furniture with my images from my favorite magazines. I used the pictures to inspire my fashion choices, make up looks and hairstyles. Vision boards are a more strategic approach on how to bring your goals and dreams into your reality. If you believe in the Law of Attraction then maybe working on your own vision board will help get you closer to your goals.

The event was held at the Coastal Center for Developmental Services. This is organization provides an important service to the community. It helps differently-abled adults find jobs. They also have a catering program. Partying with a purpose is my idea of a good time. The time I spent at the party was well spent. I became emotional speaking to the group about the coaching call Samantha hosted in early December. I told them how that call released me from the fear that was holding me back from my purpose. The simple question what would you do if you were not afraid set me free and I have been on fire since.

That freedom from fear has pushed me to take new steps to connections that are dramatically changing my life, but back to the actual vision board making. Sam provided all the practical materials such as the foam boards glue and stickers. She also had a ton of magazines on hand. I curated several images in anticipation of the day. My unfinished board also deserves its own post.

This group of women is incredibly supportive. Everyone is speaking their truth and supporting each other. Not surprisingly this kind of vulnerability among women causes quite a few emotions to surface. I was not the only one who shed a few tears. They were tears of relief and joy. I sat next to a woman who spent three years in Madrid. She is working on her personal fitness certification to launch her personal training business. Our discussion deserves its own post. We had an intense discussion that did not leave much time to work on our boards. I am happy I left room to add more to my board as my journey continues. The board in a spot I can see easily and others can as well. Nothing is done alone. Support is essential to success. Building my tribe and my success one day and one friend at a time.

What happened next was unexpected

I spent the last 90 minutes alternating between being a fan girl and budding entrepreneur. I have not eaten yet, but my I am buzzing with energy. When I moved to Italy with my chemically treated hair I worried if I would find someone to take care of it. I was convinced that someone was not me or Ryan. The search was exhausting, and I was not alone. One of my friends had her brother fly from his salon in Atlanta, GA to Vicenza, Italy to do several of the other black girls' hair. That was not a sustainable practice for him.

Ryan helped me a few times but, eventually I took matters into my own hands. As is the custom in our times I googled how to self relax kinky hair. That quick search led me here. This site is an amazing resource. Back in 2011 it focused primarily on hair, but evolved to encompass skincare, supplements and entrepreneurship. She detailed her journey of quitting her high powered corporate job to focus on her "side hustle." Her "side hustle" includes a proprietary blend of hair oil, bamboo tea and supplements. I bought the tea. It has a mild flavor, but the benefits include longer, thicker hair AND nails. Nadege is such an inspiration. I interact with her occasionally online, but in putting my no-fear practice into action I reached out to her on Instagram about the business ideas I have. I sent her a link to my blog and asked her to comment. Then I waited.

What happened next was unexpected. She responded quickly asking if we could chat because she had a lot of questions for me. I was beyond excited and tumbled head first into full on fan girl mode. We messaged back and forth a few times to accommodate our schedules. We agreed upon 10 am Tues January 16, 2018. Today! I was thinking about it all weekend long. I created an outline for the conversation because I did not want to geek out and forget the purpose of the call, which with my excitement could happen.

I sat prepped and ready in my dinning room which I converted to a home office. My notes, phone and laptop all handy. She called at 10:00 on the dot. Her voice was relaxed and easy. I stuck to my outline and asked her to let me gush about how much I admire her before we officially started. Of course she let me and she was absolutely flattered. I moved to the next section of my outline my Italian shopping-vacation idea. She loved it and we immediately moved to who else is doing this and could I partner with her. Of course my fear that a partner would steal my idea came up, but we focused on the potential positive outcomes.

Next we discussed some of the controversial posts on her blog and how the negative comments  drove her forward. She said they pushed her to move sometimes in a different direction. She did not allow them to discourage her. She took a look at my Instagram page. She made a few comments, but the very best part was she told me how to grow my following which, was the golden nugget I have been looking for since I started this journey. Throughout the conversation she was passionate, kind and curious. We went deep at times, which I did not expect. We talked about fear. Not just how to push pass it but, how to process it. How to use it to propel forward. Toward the end of our chat she asked how I felt. I responded that I felt amazing. I announced with my chest puffed up: I possess all that I need to make my goals a reality whether it is growing my Instagram page to 1k by summer, partnering with Cheyenne on shopping vacations or monetizing my youthful looks with live stories. I was pumped. I could hear her smiling through the phone when she said great, just remember that feeling will disappear by tomorrow. I laughed so hard. She laughed too, said it again for emphasis and then added do not let the dissipation of that joy prevent you from moving forward.

Together we set a few other goals, and she told me to feel free to reach out to her again for advice or to share in the joy of the victories that will come. The most powerful advice she gave me was to create more content. She even offered to feature me on her blog once I meet my 1k followers goal.

Clearly once a month posting is not going to help me reach my goal. According to Nadege, the most successful bloggers post three times a day. Do I have that much to say? You bet I do! Stay tuned.

You look good for your age or age ain't nothin' but a number

Happy New Year gorgeous family and friends. The year is off to an ice cold start. My gay BFF sent me a text last week asking if I knew how cold it was in New York. I replied ICE COLD. He laughed then added that it was so cold gay guys were declining random hook ups! Cleary the weather caused tragedies both large and small along the eastern seaboard.

As the snow and ice rolled in thoughts of New Year's resolutions remained top of mind. I threw out the concept of a resolution and focused on goals, dreams and tactics. I thought instead about how best to challenge myself and summon the strength and grace to plough through the inevitable obstacles that will come.

Me using my favorite Instagram filter

I hit a milestone birthday last month. I turned forty-five. As I enjoyed my birthday spa day a friendly lady sat in the pedicure chair next to me. We started speaking and I told her I was celebrating my birthday. She asked how old I was. I hesitated to say because people make such a big deal when I do. I have heard comments such as, "Wow you look good for your age", which although a compliment is not exactly what I look forward to hearing on my birthday. I resisted, but when she mentioned being an older mom I came out with it. The lady painting my toes the fiery red Ryan likes stopped what she was doing and called Susan and Patty to come look at the forty-five year old lady who looks twenty-eight. All sorts of questions followed until I was able to change the topic to something less objectifying.

When the attention was off me at last she asked in a hushed tone what's your secret. Then stopped short and said clearly it is your genes. I said yes some of it is genes, but I do have a borderline obsession with my skin. She wanted to know more. I told her about the grandmother who looked at least twenty years younger and insisted on only drinking room temperature water instead of cold water even during the warmer months. I would hesitate on calling it the fountain of youth, but I think she was onto something.

In the days following my birthday I thought about ways to improve the clarity of my skin because (a) there are no filters in real life and (b) the most important part of a good regimen is consistency. Korean skin care remains a staple in my skin care arsenal because it is wallet friendly, effective and exotic. Today I found myself at the local Ulta today under the guise of browsing, but who am I kidding. I was lucky to make it out of there without all the colors in the new Lancôme Shaker Liquid Lipstick collection. I ask who among you can walk out of Ulta or Sephora with an empty pair of hands? I salute those of you who can. Wherever you may be. Exercising a herculean level of restraint, I stocked up on Tony Moly Sheet masks and headed to the register. They were buy one get one half off. I have used a few different sheet masks over the years, but today along with facial sheets I also grabbed "Peeling Shoes." They are sheet masks for your feet. I do not know which genius Korean scientist created these but, I hope to one day thank her on Instagram. I CANNOT wait to try them because it is never too early to start getting your feet ready for summer.

The unknown future rolls towards us

I am not feeling especially inspired today. In fact this week I felt discouraged. As I sat in my discontent I thought about my goal to write more blog posts, and not just when I feel energized. What if I used this outlet when I am not feeling great to inspire me. If writing about feeling great made me feel even better, it should follow that a blog post could serve as a little pick me up.

Why the feeling of discontent? To be perfectly honest I feel powerless about tomorrow, the last day of 2017. It is coming no matter what I do or do not do. It is the end of a tumultuous year, but also the beginning of year since we left Italy. I still have somewhat mixed feelings about leaving Italy. I will miss the shopping season that starts next month, and all that became familiar to me over my seven year stay.  Most of all I miss the security my life had in Italy. There was a great deal of predictability in my life there. So much of my life was purposefully organized around a routine. I needed that there. That predictability bred stability and I love stability. As counterintuitive as it sounds it allows me to be unpredictable, which I also love.

Sarah Connor in Terminator 2

But now I feel as if I am Sarah Connor at the end of the second Terminator movie. Where nothing is planned out. It is all up for grabs. To include where I go next with my career, Ryan's deployment and pre-school. Which brings me to the discouragement that crept over me. I had these bright ideas last week to launch a multi-million dollar business. I wondered how I would feel when I was described as the Gwen Stefani of fashion, wellness and empowerment. As they say I was counting my coins. I pitched the idea to a few would be partners/investors and quickly realized it was going to take a lot more thought and planning to get this idea off the ground. My week was full of tough decisions, electrifying conversations and the specter of failure at every turn.

The energy of the week has leveled off. The majority of the conversations ended with its an interesting idea, and I do not say this to discourage you but, you need to think this through more. How to coax a hobby into a sustainable idea that makes money. That is what I was left to chew on as the week came to a close. It feels like the biggest challenge of my life. It feels like if I get this right I could be living my best life ever. It feels like paralyzing terror.

I gave myself a until the new year to get back in the saddle. I plan to speak with Samantha my coach, speed walk through my neighborhood (it relieves stress and is not as damaging to my knees as running) and for goodness sakes get help to write a business plan.

There is no telling what the New Year will bring, but by the grace of God I will push through my fears, my predisposition to procrastinate and find a way to make money doing what I love. God help us all. In the meantime I went to the backyard to enjoy the crossbow Ryan bought me for Christmas.

Channeling Sarah Connor in my backyard wearing my PJs

The end is near and it's just the beginning

Every year around this time I look back at the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year and take stock of what I accomplished. My list of books to read is typically lengthy and I almost always get through it. This year with the aforementioned challenges my book game fell way off. Luckily I found a way to make some headway on my list quickly. I am borrowing audiobooks from the library. Not sure why I did not think of this before, but it is a great way to get through lots of books when you do not have a free hand to hold a book. I am using Libby, the app the friendly, stylish, tech-savvy librarian recommended two weeks ago. I love her it. In the two weeks since I downloaded the app I have listened to three books on my phone, and working on the fourth.

The first book was one I had at the bottom of my list, but on my list nonetheless. I wanted to know what Hilary ever did to make people hate her. If you are wondering the same Crisis of Character is the book for you. Man listen, this guy is salty about the both Hilary and Bill Clinton and Monica. It is one of those ripped from the headlines tell all books from a White House insider. 

I dispatched with the Clintons fairly quickly and moved on to Toni Morrison's God Help the Child. Lawdamercy her books can be an intense intellectual exercise.

She did not disappoint. It is her first novel set in modern times, and as a special treat she is the narrator. Typical Toni themes: race, love and mother-daughter relationships are included of course, but also a female entrepreneur and a passionate love affair. The remarkable aspect of the book is that at 86 years old Toni is fluent in social media and current affairs. Not her best work, but there is a twist at the end.

The Underground Railroad is a book I put off for months because who wants to follow up Toni Morrison with a book about slavery, but just like real books someone borrowed the Aziz Ansari book, and Colson Whitehead's Pulitzer Prize winner was ready for download. In it he reimagines the underground railway as a subway with an actual train. I sort of regret putting off reading it for so long. It is dark subject matter for sure, but Colson is delicate with the characters and their circumstances.

Next up was a book on parenting because I am in need of advice. We pledged to forgo corporal punishment when we first met. Ryan did not grow up in a spanking house. I certainly did and hated it, but it did not deter me from breaking the rules. Instead it made me resourceful; finding ways to get around getting caught. For now time-outs work on Hunter, but I don't know how long that will hold. The book was electronic, not audio. That is a no-go for me right now. I returned it with one click and stumbled onto The Language of Flowers. My Toastmaster mentor Terri recommended this to me months ago.

I started it tonight while Ryan was outside grilling an ax handle steak on the grill. Did I mention it was 75 degrees today? That is how this place got the nickname "God's Country", wait no this is the Peach State!