The unknown future rolls towards us

I am not feeling especially inspired today. In fact this week I felt discouraged. As I sat in my discontent I thought about my goal to write more blog posts, and not just when I feel energized. What if I used this outlet when I am not feeling great to inspire me. If writing about feeling great made me feel even better, it should follow that a blog post could serve as a little pick me up.

Why the feeling of discontent? To be perfectly honest I feel powerless about tomorrow, the last day of 2017. It is coming no matter what I do or do not do. It is the end of a tumultuous year, but also the beginning of year since we left Italy. I still have somewhat mixed feelings about leaving Italy. I will miss the shopping season that starts next month, and all that became familiar to me over my seven year stay.  Most of all I miss the security my life had in Italy. There was a great deal of predictability in my life there. So much of my life was purposefully organized around a routine. I needed that there. That predictability bred stability and I love stability. As counterintuitive as it sounds it allows me to be unpredictable, which I also love.

Sarah Connor in Terminator 2

But now I feel as if I am Sarah Connor at the end of the second Terminator movie. Where nothing is planned out. It is all up for grabs. To include where I go next with my career, Ryan's deployment and pre-school. Which brings me to the discouragement that crept over me. I had these bright ideas last week to launch a multi-million dollar business. I wondered how I would feel when I was described as the Gwen Stefani of fashion, wellness and empowerment. As they say I was counting my coins. I pitched the idea to a few would be partners/investors and quickly realized it was going to take a lot more thought and planning to get this idea off the ground. My week was full of tough decisions, electrifying conversations and the specter of failure at every turn.

The energy of the week has leveled off. The majority of the conversations ended with its an interesting idea, and I do not say this to discourage you but, you need to think this through more. How to coax a hobby into a sustainable idea that makes money. That is what I was left to chew on as the week came to a close. It feels like the biggest challenge of my life. It feels like if I get this right I could be living my best life ever. It feels like paralyzing terror.

I gave myself a until the new year to get back in the saddle. I plan to speak with Samantha my coach, speed walk through my neighborhood (it relieves stress and is not as damaging to my knees as running) and for goodness sakes get help to write a business plan.

There is no telling what the New Year will bring, but by the grace of God I will push through my fears, my predisposition to procrastinate and find a way to make money doing what I love. God help us all. In the meantime I went to the backyard to enjoy the crossbow Ryan bought me for Christmas.

Channeling Sarah Connor in my backyard wearing my PJs