I Had My First Hot Flash in 2019

The aging process is inevitable. A reflection of our inability to control time. Although we can have an influence on how we experience time as well as the aging process we can't stop it, move it forward or reverse. All this to say I'm perimenopausal, which is not awesome most of the time. 

Moving into middle age is not for everyone, but we all have to do it. For women this process can be harrowing. As we produce less estrogen and progesterone because we are moving out of our reproductive years, our bodies awkwardly adjust. For some it's a breeze, a walk in the park, nothing particularly memorable. For others, namely me, it's a bumpy ride toward menopause. 

I had my first hot flash in 2019. It was unmistakable. Like the Space Shuttle Challenger explosion I remember exactly where I was when it happened. I was at work, one the many jobs I have had since my arrival in Savannah, when I felt an unusual heat rising in my pelvis. Not just my pelvis, but in my vaginal canal. You know that saying: Stick it where the sun don't shine? Well it felt like the sun was shinning inside me with a heat and intensity that caused the rest of my body to at first warm and then, God help me, burst into flames of sweat. It was fast-moving, powerful, and propulsive. I thought the heat was going somewhere, taking me somewhere I didn't know, but might be fun? The heat continued to build expanding from my pelvis upward into my abdomen, my chest cavity, my neck and finally my head. Within seconds I was covered in sweat. My bra and panties wet with perspiration. And then, just like that, it was gone. 

What just happened? Have you seen the animated series on Netflix: Hilda? Hunter and I love to watch this show. There's an episode where Hilda uses a witchcraft spell to help her mother and best friend achieve their heart's desire. Her plan goes awry when even though her mom gets her dream job, and David gets a solo in the school choir, the payment is their SOULS. As Hilda, David and her mom careen through the streets of Trollberg to the site where they can undo the spell, both David and Hilda's mom fall into myoclonic convulsions from which they emerge amnesic of the previous 90-second fit.

 

This is what a hot flash is like. For a short burst of time I felt hot enough to lose consciousness and then suddenly my bodily functions returned to homeostasis as quickly as the heat began. As I sat in office in my wet underwear (ideal conditions for yeast propagation), I considered what just happened. As I tried to describe it to a friend I diagnosed the condition with my description. I said the strangest thing just happened to me. I had a flash of heat come over me quickly and then leave. I gasped, cupped my palm to my mouth with a popping sound, and whispered: I just had a hot flash. It was a revelation of epic proportions.  

The symptoms in the months and years that followed were recurrent, with mysterious triggers. New indicators of my perimenopausal existence appeared. Mood swings that swung from despair to white hot anger were illogical, unprompted and profuse. Lethargy, inability to focus and pelvic pain joined this unholy diagnosis. 

My gyn reminded me at every annual that if symptoms became too uncomfortable, I had options. By May of this year I was ready to explore my options. Until next time on The Cat. 

When One Thing Ends Another Begins

Last time on The Cat I chose motherhood over career which was intimidating and the opposite of what I typically do. I am a Capricorn that means I am driven, goal oriented and safety seeking. Taking the leap out of full-time work scared me, but watching my son's face when I took him to school and picked him up everyday told me everything I needed to know. I made the right the decision, and it was going to be ok. 

I spent the weeks after TEDx adjusting to my friend's and family's recognition that I am a 9/11 survivor. That I struggle with that description was a surprise to many. There was a period of adjustment for us. In the meantime, I looked for work. Not with very much intention. I set parameters around the kind of work that could meet my needs instead of the other way around. After a few short weeks a software company came calling. I approached the process with a light touch. Unsure if full-time remote was what I wanted, they made me an offer that was too hard to refuse. 

Before I knew it I was working fulltime remotely with colleagues in three different time zones, using equipment and platforms that were both new and intimidating. The first few days were exhilarating. The weeks that followed were tough. A new industry and a culture that was foreign to me in ways that left me bewildered. As the summer came to a close and Ryan prepared to leave for foreign adventures, I realized it was not a good fit. Although it was a WFM position, it was not as flexible as I hoped. 

Hunter was stuck at a nearby summer camp where he watched more Disney movies than I have ever seen. It was the only camp that could accommodate my hours, but I wanted much more for Hunter's summers. I left the WFH gig and sought greener pastures. I spent the next few weeks supplementing summer camp with park days, play dates, and boardgames. Hunter and I spent time together doing things we both enjoyed. I also took sometime to figure out what was next for me professionally. I asked myself some questions such as how much cash do I have on hand, and how much do need? Not how much do I want, but how much do I need? Next I asked what I wanted. Flexibility was at the top of the list, and fun was next. I began to pray for a job that I would do for free, but of course would pay. It wasn't long before the position at The Savannah Book Festival sparked my interest.

When I arrived in Savannah in 2017 at the behest of one of my best friends, I networked. I volunteered, attended, and accepted every invitation that was extended to me. TEDx and the Savannah Book Festival being my favorites. I saw an announcement that they were looking for an Assistant Director. The job description was a good fit. It was advertised as part time, which meant I would have the flexibility I needed.

The outgoing Executive Director remembered my competence and outgoing personality. With a good word from her and my participation in online and in-person events the job was mine. I started my new position a few days later. The new job meant I would spend my days recruiting award-winning and debut authors to one of the most prestigious book festivals in the country. I spent the next few months reading more books than I ever had in my entire life in preparation for the festival. It also meant I would be reunited with one of my favorite authors, Douglas Preston. 

I Have My Reasons for the Delay... and They Are Good Ones

Last time on The Cat, I gave a TEDx talk. An experience that took almost a year to recover from. I have very good reasons for the delay. First, I got COVID. I laid on the couch at home in recovery from my Talk and all the powerful emotions that came with it.  I also felt like someone kicked me in the throat. One minute I was fine. Just feeling a bit tired. The next, I couldn't swallow.

Over the next 48 hours, my symptoms increased in severity. Aches and pains, followed by a fever and sore throat. Hunter had the flu a week before. I was certain it was the flu so I took Dayquil and worked from home with my camera off and declined to opportunities to speak.

By Wednesday of the next week, I went to Urgent Care asking for a Z-Pak to speed up the process of the flu. It was the end of June in Georgia and temps were well above 90, and yet I sat in my car with the heat on shivering. 

Surprise, I tested negative for the flu. Bewildered, I began to gather my things to head home and continue my DayQuil treatments. The PA suggested a COVID test, which I thought was absurd. I went along with him and after almost 20 minutes I tested POSITIVE. I couldn't believe it. Even after I spent a day in an auditorium filled with 200 people, I wasn still in disbelief. I shook hands with strangers, hugged my coaches repeatedly, and snacked on continental-styled hor d'oeuvres. I still had a tough time accepting the diagnosis. 

I had two doses of Moderna and a booster. You can read all about the fun I had here. How could I possibly have COVID? As many of us have learned, it doesn't matter how or why the vaccine performs the way it does because the vaccine is not a prophylactic. At best, it will decrease the severity of symptoms, but it cannot prevent them. 

I spent the next few days sleeping as much as I could and dreading the time I needed to spend in front of my computer. It took a few weeks to feel normal again. And by then I hated my new job. I left the job I had for three years to spend more time with Hunter. Only to realize working from home solved some of the conflicts of Ryan's travel schedule presents, but not all. Facing down the barrel of motherhood is a defining moment in every mother's life: your child or your career. 

The wise women among us say we can have it all, just not all at once. I have so much and I have deep gratitude for it all, but I knew I had to start thinking about work differently. Hunter is at the age where he needs more and with Ryan gone most of the time and family in NYC and Chicago. I'm all he's got. I needed work with much more flexibility. And that my dear friends is exactly what I got. Until next time on The Cat.

Some Words Are Best Said in My Voice

On Friday, June 24, 2022, the long delayed TEDx Savannah live event was held at the Yamacraw Center for Performing Arts. I love all things TED. It was one of my tethers to the cultural movements at home during the Italian years. There certainly were times I thought I could do a TED talk. Or wouldn't it be fun to do a TED talk, but I never imagined that it would arrive in my grasp, but it did.

The road to TEDx was a winding path of self-discovery, courage and mental toughness. I was a TEDx Savannah volunteer in 2018. It was one the most thrilling experiences of my life. I didn't understand then what moved people to take on such an opportunity for growth. All the work for applause didn't make sense. Things began to shift for me in 2019. I reframed the idea into what my message could mean for others. That my journey and experiences could add value to the lives of others began to take shape. 

That's the boldness of giving a talk such as TED or TEDx. I imagine super famous people are invited to give TED talks, but TEDx is different. As speakers, we decide that our message has value and pursue our chance to get on stage.  

I had a few hurdles to cross to get to that stage. Including a massive panic attack on my way to the most incredible mall in the world, which happens to be located across a massive bridge in Jacksonville, FL. There was also the emcee's email stating I had PTSD, which sent me into a spiral so intense that it altered my speech and my perception to accept that I do in fact have PTSD. Everyone around me knew it accept me. I was repeatedly reminded of that fact as I tried to distance myself from that reality, even in my talk. What a gift to receive. All of those experiences afforded me the opportunity to see myself as deserving of grace, tenderness and love.

The link doesn't go live for another few days. Big TED has to review and approve. Next steps are to allow the rest of this journey to unfold as the universe intends. I allow for things to stay as they are (unlikely) or something fascinatingly better to come into being a new reality.

I Leaned In So Far I Fell Over

Have you ever wanted to change your life? Have you ever had the feeling you were in the wrong place, but only to show you how to get to the right place? If you have then you intuitively understand the intersection of confusion and knowing that I have lived for the last eight years. 

Motherhood is complicated, and first-time motherhood is arduous terrain. A few weeks after my son, who is now eight, was born his Godmother uttered chilling words I will never forget, "From now on your life will be dominated by the search for efficient and safe childcare." The joy and satisfaction I had holding my son after I survived 14 hours of labor leeched out through one of the folds in his blanket. Her words hit me at me at my weak spots. Between the two of us Ryan and I have five healthy parents. That's plenty of hands to go around! However, as days turned to weeks, months and years, I found the reliance on family for childcare was a pipedream. Compounded by the fact that we lived halfway across the world in Italy when Hunter was born, it dawned on me that Hunter's Godmother was prescient. 

I viewed my career as an essential part of my identity. Independence is a requisite component to my happiness. It was why I worked so hard to graduate from college and grad school and secure a career. I could not, should not give that up to RAISE A BABY. EVER. No one I knew did this. My peers hired nannies or seemed to have a mythical set up that ensured their offspring were always cared for no matter what. What happened next in my journey was a surprise. 

My resourceful nature was key to balancing motherhood and career. My aunt stayed with us for the first three months after I gave birth. Then Ryan's mother for three months after that. By then Hunter was ready for daycare. I cried that first day at drop off but prioritized getting back to work. I needed my identity to be tied to my career. The alternative title, MOM, more precisely STAY-AT-HOME MOM terrified me. Waitlist navigation became an essential part of my existence. When the list for daycare, preschool, kindergarten and later specialized elementary schools opened, closed and how many were on the list dominated my life. 

One of us, typically Ryan, travels a few times a month. I juggled childcare needs and stuffed down any sense of guilt that tried to make its way to the surface. The juggling act was trickier Stateside. Although closer to family, they weren't as willing or available to us as we had hoped. 

Most unfortunately, I became determined to prove I could do it all. Buoyed by Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In, I continued to push for a defining career worthy of my experience, education and talent. I needed to be challenged and respected at work. I pushed, networked and applied until I got as close to my previous high-powered roles as I could. When I finally arrived at my cube back in Corporate America a sense of unease slowly began to creep over me like slug on the concrete after a humid spring rain. The title was impressive inside the organization, although coordinator had an administrative ring to my seasoned ear. The pay was better than any other since my arrival, but below my worth. 

I tried to treat Ryan's schedule as a minor inconvenience (he travels two to six months out of the year). An event to be managed. Something to be worked around. I reveled in the idea that everyone was looking at me marveling at how I got it all done. "Isn't she amazing.," I hoped they whispered as they closed their eyes before bed. This was cold comfort as the pandemic forced me to re-evaluate what matters most. Until next time on The Cat Who Swallowed the Canary.

Here's What I Watched in 2021

Have you been watching all the things on television? I have tried, but there is so much "must watch" tv and so many different platforms I have to put in as much energy into watching TV as I do at my job. It's a confusing time for so many reasons and watching tv should not be. Here's what I watched and loved in 2021:

1. Succession is an HBO show about a ruthless media magnate, (Is there any other kind?) Logan Roy, who built his empire and a family to fear and work hard for his affection. Creating insecure minions and children that hope to one day inherit the business in the process. Of the three siblings I was drawn to Siobhan. A stylish political operative with a good heart. She seemed like the obvious choice as the successor, but as the series develops, we learn that Siobhan is more like her father and brothers than she led us to believe!

2. The Mandolorian is a member of the Star Wars universe, of which I am not well-versed. However, you don't need to be a fan of the George Lucas phenomenon to fall for the ubiquitous BABY YODA. Like animals and infants, he is nonverbal. All his emotion is revealed through the giant eyes in his wrinkled, green face. The first season is good, clean fun, with action and adventure galore. By the time the second season finale comes around you'll be (1) wondering how they were able to keep that secret; (2) thanking whatever magic makes CGI work and; (3) looking forward to seeing Mr. Pascal in more stuff.

3. Star Trek Discovery is the Star Trek little Black girls have been waiting for our whole lives. The first in the series from the perspective one of the ship's officers instead of the Captain. There's an important Vulcan storyline that will leave you gasping for air. Most importantly there's Sonequa Martin who is reminding us to trust ourselves more than anything else each time she is on screen. 

4. Sense 8 is a Netflix show by the Wachowski sisters that I ignored for years. There was a lot of talk about it, but nothing about it resonated with me. A close friend encouraged me to get past the first few episodes and IGNORE the Daryl Hannah character altogether, and instead focus on the broader international themes, diversity and relationships. Once I did that, I was in love with the story of human connection, love, sex and adventure. 

5. The Expanse in a space odyssey. I don't get to use the word odyssey enough. The Expanse is well, expansive. It begins with a missing woman and a quirky detective hundreds of years in the future, but as the final episode of the sixth season approaches, we find our characters at the far reaches of the universe fighting each other for survival against an unknown foe. 

This list is by no means exhaustive. Admiral mentions goes to What We Do in the Shadows, The Mayans, and Pose.

Here's What I Read in 2021

I have tried different methods of expression in this space. One year I posted every day for the final days of the year. It was fun and an excellent way to send off the year. I have been thinking about posting every day for the first five days of the year to see what follows but, I am not securely attached to the concept just yet. For now, let's dig into what distracted me from my work and childrearing.

Here's my top five books of 2021 in a very particular order of preference:

1. The Book of Longings: A Novel by Sue Monk Kidd

I could go on ad nauseum about this book but believe me it is better to savor the beauty of it with your own eyeballs and heart. It's a deep meditation on the nature of self-confidence, motherhood and history. It is the book I didn't know I needed. I look forward to reading more Sue Monk Kidd. 

2. The Hemingses of Monticello: An American Family by Annette Gordon-Reed

Annette Gordon-Reed won the 2008 Pulitzer for History and the National Book Award for Nonfiction for this. She thoroughly researched four generations of the African American Hemings family from their African and Virginian origins until the death of Thomas Jefferson their master and the father of Sally Hemings' children. But this book is so much more than that. It's also about the origins of slavery in this country and the structure of racism revealing the stark truth that race is a social construct.

3. Both/And: A Life in Many Worlds by Huma Abedin

Yes, you know Huma. Not to be confused with Amal Clooney British-Lebanese attorney who is married to George Clooney. Huma is an American political operative (aspiring politician?) with Indian and Pakistani heritage that is famous for working with Hillary Clinton and her marriage to disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner. Her exotic looks, eclectic background and ability to stay below the radar made this a thirst quenching read. How did she create such an extraordinary career? Why did she marry and stay married to that guy? She answered all the questions with compassion, grace and vulnerability.

4. This Tender Land by William Kent Krueger

A colleague at my office handed me this book and said read it. I work with engineers, a very smart lot. It is very common for folks to drop books on my desk with one word: READ. This was a difficult novel to get into. It's about a little white boy growing up in one of the Native American conversion schools during the Depression era that have been in the news recently. It's gritty, grueling subject matter. Racism, physical and sexual abuse of MINORS, family secrets and tragedies. Not the sort of book I thought a middle-aged lady at my office would hand me with strong insistence I should read. I trudged through the first several chapters asking myself why this book written, why did Debbie recommend it, and why to me. I also wondered why she liked it. Once you have a child, consuming art that puts children in harm's way can be a harrowing experience. Then one day Albert gets bit by a snake, and everything comes into sharp focus, and you don't want the story to end. 

5. The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

Another book plopped on my desk with instructions to read. This one is about 30-something Nora whose life is filled with disappointment and regret. Feeling rudderless, useless and unaccomplished she tries to commit suicide. Gawd have his mercy. I gave this book, and Candice the side-eye for leaving it on my desk. WTH is this depressing, morose British novel doing on my desk I wondered. My boss also recommended this book, so I got started and WOW! It's about the paths not taken. It's about infinite possibilities. It's about never giving up because success is often just around the bend.

Next time on the Cat Who Swallowed the Canary: What I watched 2021

This Whole Time I Just Needed Tylenol

The Covid-19 virus has presented opportunities for growth everywhere. Some call them challenges. Others refer to them as "fucked up shit". I have weathered the storms with best of them, but I spent last night in a place I call the dark night of the soul.

As is customary on this blog my course of vaccinations were not without a healthy dose of drama. In this case perhaps too much drama. My first dose of the Moderna vaccine was approximately one month ago. My allergist contacted to me to say my asthma qualified me to get my first shot. Up until that moment I was unsure if I wanted the vaccine. High falutin' ideas such as "heard immunity" and  "I'll wait and see how it goes" made me feel safe-ish. But when I got that call images of me frolicking in the west village, and parading down Eastern Parkway as I made my way to the Brooklyn Museum flooded my consciousness and I said yes please.

Yet, when the day arrived my needle phobia crept in. How bad is going to hurt? My inside voice replied, "Bad, really bad. It will be worse that vaginal childbirth that one time in north Italy just outside of Venice. This time without the epidural." I shuddered at the thought. I held fast to my visions of frolic and parades. I kept my arm loose as I caught sight of the syringe. The reality that I was about to receive the most expensive vaccine in history, and had the privilege to ponder if I should take it washed over me. It was over before I had time to think much more about it.

A month later I headed back to receive my second dose. I was not feeling well. We have had a spate of dry weather here and my allergy symptoms were severe. When I arrived I asked if I should postpone since I was already not feeling well. The nurse assured me that once I did not have a fever I was fine to proceed with my second dose. Disappointed I shuffled into the room where I waited. So much has been said about the second dose producing a "robust" reaction. I was concerned, and thought about leaving, but I stayed.

This needle I felt. I also felt liquid dripping down my arm. The nurse asked if I was on blood thinners. I'm not, but I have been taking Tylenol for my allergy induced headache. She explained that Tylenol can act as a blood thinner. As blood sprayed and streamed out of my arm I thought of all the times I needed to give blood and it never came. This whole time I just needed Tylenol.

She applied two band-aids and cleaned my arm up and the rest of the room that resembled a small crime scene. I waited the allotted 15 minutes then headed home. I awoke the next morning feeling a bit foggy. By the time I made it to the office the next day I had body aches. At home I had teeth chattering chills, and deep bone aches. My chest burned and then got heavy. My eyes were dry and gritty. My stomach was wracked with pains I don't have words for. I contemplated calling 911 when my chest got heavy, but I waited it out as I tried to manifest an oxygen mask. I drifted between wake and sleep and at 3:40 am I exploded into a cold sweat. I woke up, dried off, and slowly began to join the ranks of the living. I worked a full day. Not much of an appetite, but certainly on the mend. 

  

They Cause Gentle Ripples on Your Skin

I considered "2020 so wack" as a potential title for this post. Or "the great pandemic of 2020". However, there is no certainty that this will be over in 2020 because (1) folks are afraid to take the vaccine. Yep, I said it #facts. And (2) let's be honest, there is nothing great about it unless you look through the lens of opportunity, and progress. I am referring to both the broad societal reckoning, and all the things we are facing as we shelter in place together, alone.

July was my one-year anniversary at my first "real" job since returning to the States. And by real I mean it provides financial and social advantages such as a steady paycheck, 401(k) benefits, on site medical attention that includes prescriptions, and intellectual stimulation also known as stretching. 

In the few hours that I am not working, I spend time thinking about how to meet my unmet needs. I always need things, but the pandemic brought them into high relief. I have always been a seeker. Whether it is of knowledge, adventure, realization or love I have always been searching for a better way to understand myself. In truth we all are.

I took steps over the course of the last few months to embrace the search, and the payoffs are what I am here to share. It's a departure from my usual topics, but it remains in the vein of expression of self-worth and my passion for travel. It's also an invitation to join me because traveling alone can be fun but, travelling companions certainly deepen the experience. 

This all started with a few podcasts, first shaman to the stars: Shaman Durek, and as revelations are wont to do, his podcast led me to another. Aubrey Marcus fitness and gym guru led me to Paul Selig. Paul is a channel and the first time you experience his channeling it will be weird. This is Aubrey's word not mine. I would describe it as confusing at first because the being he is channeling, yes the being, is whispering to him and then he is repeating what was whispered. It is best described as an echo. What peaked my interest quickly became all consuming. I repeated the words he asked me to repeat. It wasn't quite a command, but his voice definitely has some bass to it. I didn't have anything to lose by saying a few words, I began "I know who I am. I know who I am in truth." Tingles gently rippled across my skin. I later learned the words are more than just words. The words are coded with vibrational accord. 

Dear reader I know you are wondering what the words in the previous sentence mean when they are strung together. My suggestion is to experience Paul Selig for yourself. With an open mind I think you will feel the gentle ripples on your skin too.

In the meantime, I did what any red-blooded American who was inspired by a double talking, middle age bearded man speaking about vibrations, truths and mystical teachings would do. I googled him. I didn't find a whole lot. At least nothing that deterred my interest. All I could say for sure was the words shifted the energy in and around me. When my younger cousin called in crisis a few weeks ago I encouraged her to repeat after me as I said them. Days later she called to thank me for making time to talk to her. She struggled to describe what sounded like ripples and a new awareness to my ear. She said, "Mickie remember when I called you last week and you told me to say some words? I don't remember the words. I just know they helped me." 

There are books. Several of them. They are not linear, and neither is time according to the teachings, but you interpret as you wish. I chose to begin with the audiobook, "The Book of Freedom". What's it about you ask? My efforts to describe the book feel like trying to explain the flavor of an avocado or fresh shrimp to someone who has never had either. Avocado is more about texture than any specific flavor. Same goes for shrimp, unless it's bad, but we are not here to talk about shrimp gone bad. Perhaps it's like trying to explain sex to someone who has never had it.

"The Book of Freedom" is about life, but not the life we live. Instead it's about the life we presuppose people who are special, richer, more famous, more beautiful live. It's about those people that are happier than us. That are more in love than us. That is until TMZ shows them doing something crazy such as running into a salon to shave their head, and you realize we are all here making mistakes, falling off the wagon, and making a mess.

With all this learning. I began to feel grounded and unshakeable and prepared for whatever would come next because one of the teachings of the Guides communicating through Paul is there is no destination. There is no end. It's all journey. I began to wonder how I would fare when an opportunity for growth came my way. That's how I describe challenges now: opportunities for growth. I was excited to put the vibrational accords into action. And then there I was in the middle of the first season of the Amazon Prime original, The Boys, when opportunity knocked.

Until next time on The Cat Who Swallowed the Canary.

Woman on the Verge

My work from home situation

For weeks as the impact of the pandemic spread through our lives, I wondered what was next. I did my best to live in the moment as the media onslaught seemed to threaten our existence on the planet. I adjusted to working from home and homeschooling, but as my professional responsibilities ramped up, I began to feel the pressure. How to care for my son, work 40+ hours a week and manage to eat and sleep? With a key element in my support system in NYC dealing with a prolonged cough and nationwide restrictions, I found myself increasingly overwhelmed. My son's every need rested squarely on my shoulders. I felt the weight of it deep in my heart. Long accustomed to "handling" difficult situations well, I began to feel torn between motherhood and career with renewed intensity.

We are all coping with COVID-19 in various ways. Each of us in our private circumstance, but the minute we compare our situation to that of others, we have slipped into despair. Comparing our insides to the outsides of others is not only a waste of time. It is also irrational behavior that we all engage in from time to time. It is normal to have the thought, but it's important to let the energy of the thought pass through you as quickly as possible.

I was having trouble doing that. I was comparing and despairing that others were having an easier time managing their time and stress level. When I finally snapped out of it I remembered the best advice I can I take is my own. My son needed me. He is a social creature. The abrupt end to the social engagement of school, and a wildly disrupted routine was taking its toll. The school district offered one hour Zoom calls, but they did little to stem the tide of boredom and loneliness.  

When our children are not well, we are not well. As I sunk into this awareness I also began to speak up. I shared my list of anxieties with my virtual book group: The Cheetahs. They showed me enormous compassion and kindness, and I began to think clearly. Finally.

I had a few conversations with my boss and our HR Director. I chose to step back from work for a period of time. Two weeks to spend with Hunter, and two weeks part-time. Enough time to get him moving outside in the sunshine. Shower him with affection. Spend lots of time making eye contact with him and assuring him that we are safe. Yes our routines are disrupted but, I remind him often that we have each other. We take it one step at time and recognize that this is all temporary. We have started a gratitude practice. We document on paper all the things we are thankful for especially when we get down. 

Summer camp begins on Monday, June 1. It will mark my return to fulltime work. This time with my son has been an amazing experience. He teaches me patience in ways that are new and often challenging. I am excited for this next chapter. I look forward with optimism to the opportunities for growth that are ahead. 

The 2019 Round Up

Turkey legs are a thing at Magic Kingdom

Although we are securely in 2020 I feel a 2019 roundup is necessary because it was such an amazing year. I found my footing in Savannah, both professionally and personally. To be sure there were challenges, but the rewards were better than I could have imagined, and I am grateful for all in equal measure. 

The highlights of the year were easily the Xena Retreat and the new job. To have one of those happen in the year would have been amazing. Instead I had the opportunity to spend three days immersed in my favorite television show and meet other women more obsessed than I am with Xena. Then when the timing was just right an amazing job opportunity plucked me out of obscurity. And just like that I was back in the corporate game. It is not the most exciting job, but it is in my field, near the house and I have enough flexibility to have lunch with Hunter once a week.  

We had dear friends from Italy spend the holidays with us. We took a quick trip to Orlando and spent a few fun filled days at Disney and Cape Canaveral. It was exhilarating to have a piece of my Italian life here with me in Savannah. 

I also chose to work with a life and business coach this year. I met Samantha almost immediately after my arrival in Savannah via Meetup. All the chaos you have likely heard about in the news is true, but the folks holding down the the fort at WeWork and are keeping the Meetup.com social networking platform alive, but I digress. I attended a few of Samantha's events and we soon became friends. She introduced me to a few other women online and a few others in Savannah as well. I watched the people she surrounded herself with grow, change and become more. Of what you may ask? More of who they are. 

It began to dawn on me that I had an unmooring after Italy. Seven years away from friends and family can do that to girl from time-to-time. With new adjectives and roles in my life I often felt adrift. I am American but, there are still a great many cultural obsessions that I missed out on and often don't relate to here. Memes, gifs., and a few Microsoft word shortcuts to name a few.

Let's welcome Samantha to the performance area that is my life. Although we are friends I wanted to change that relationship into something of a more professional nature. I had never done anything like that before. Your therapist can never be your friend. Same as professors, well perhaps professors can become your friend. That is a story for another day. Today we are discussing my decision to hire my friend as a business and life coach. 

When I approached Samantha with the idea she was surprised. She knew I had a business  idea I was trying to get off the ground. I had attended a few online workshops with her for that, but then I realized I needed to do some inner work to fix a vibrational issue. I knew she could help with that too. I was very clear with her: I want to vibrate higher and I think you can help me do that.  

We agreed to 12 sessions over the course of seven of the best months of my life. All of our sessions were online and recorded so that I could view them later if I needed (I have not needed.) She gave me books to read, The Four Agreements. Videos to watch, The Circle of Influence. There was even homework.

I was racing to work after dropping my son off at school one morning. A police officer stopped me for going 62 mph in a 55 mph zone. He let me off with a warning but, the traffic stop scared me half to death. Traffic stops gone wrong are allover the news and social media. Samantha helped me to pull apart all the fear and anxiety around the traffic stop. In some of our sessions we tackled 9/11, but mostly importantly she helped me regain the inner confidence I lost after a bout with postpartum depression and the house fire in Italy. There is always more work to be done, but the work I put in last year has set me up for a terrific 2020. 

If You Ask for What You Want, There Is a Good Chance You Will Get It

A brief description of EMDR

Over the years this little space I created to help my friends and family stay in touch with my comings and goings became a place for me to express my thoughts, hopes and some fears. In the last days of 2018 I used it to push through the end of the year with a flourish of consistency. I am beginning that practice earlier this year. I intend to post more frequently to close out 2019 strong. After all we start a whole new decade in a few short months.

And what a year 2019 has been. Since my previous post I landed a dream job at a local engineering firm. In fact it is one of the most prestigious engineering firms in the region. It came as a bit of a surprise to me a few months ago when a cursory glance at my calendar indicated that September 11 would fall on Wednesday. The job was still quite new and taking off so soon into my tenure seemed like one of the least favorable action steps I could take. Still I wondered if the alternative, going to work, was the best option available to me. Eventually, it became less of choice. A big presentation was due on Wednesday, September 11 at my new job.

As you may recall or if you are new to this space, I worked in WTC 2 and was directly outside of the building when the second plane crashed into the building and exploded. Being overseas for the last seven years both helped and hindered my healing from the horror I saw that day. On the one hand I was far removed from the memories and triggers of the day. On the other hand I was isolated because I chose not share the information. In Italy there were commemorations of course. I even tried to participate once only to realize the trauma was still very raw for me. This year was the first time I was in a new environment in the US with many variables outside of my control. The day did not go well for me. I was plagued by worry, fear and flashbacks. I controlled what I could. I asked my new boss to send an email asking for discretion around the topic because there was a survivor at the firm. I also asked that she not mention it was me. Not everyone got the email. It was a tough day. I called a close friend who put a name to what was happening to me: PTSD.

I was doubtful of her professional diagnosis at first (she is a licensed clinical practioner), but I trust her. All I could articulate was that I felt unsafe inside my own body. I wanted to be free of that fear. In that moment I surrendered. I let go of holding onto myself and reached out for help. My friend recommended EMDR, a form of psychotherapy used to treat PTSD. It is quite popular in military populations, and I have had exposure to it as a result. I did not think I had PTSD and never thought EMDR was something I would benefit from in my particular circumstance.

Frankly it was a lot to process quickly: (1) I have PTSD and (2) I need to go to therapy for something that happened in 2001. I often compared myself to the people who lost their lives, loved ones or their health that day. I suffered no such losses and therefore felt less deserving of healing. As I began to process those thoughts I came to see their disorganization and the need for reorganization.

I had my fourth session today. It is weird after all this time to speak about 9/11in the present tense. Namely because it was almost 20 years ago, and I am a vastly different type of human now. I am a recovering human doing. I have transitioned to a human being. That's a little something I learned in my sessions.

I also have a busy life and wondered if it was wise, necessary or important enough to make space for it. I had concerns about bringing this to the forefront of my life. This type of work is unsettling, but I decided to move forward with caution. It has been a challenge, but deeply and powerfully rewarding. Areas of my life long siloed are reintegrating into the whole again. The memories are intense, the connections are vibrant and exhilarating. Most of all I am learning that asking for help gets you the thing you want. And we are all deserving of that.

Magical Manifesting

Yes I wore gold lame to axe throwing

Happy New Year! Eight is my lucky number. It is also my favorite number. Big things always happen for me around the number eight. I knew 2018 was going to be smashing but, it far exceeded my expectations. I started off with wild experiments, hopes and dreams. I made the scary calls, sent the bold emails and trusted my instincts. The best part is the work paid off. I had an incredible year filled with joy and deep satisfaction. Yes there were a few unfortunate surprises to be sure. Turns out my cholesterol is on the uptick! And lots of false starts in the career sector, but I finally landed a job that is flexible and interesting. I planned a major power move with the negotiations, but that all changed at O'Hare airport last month.  That story will have to be told in another post.

Today's post is about two key events: (1) My Life Coach (2) My birthday celebration. My now coach began as friend when I first arrived in Savannah almost two years ago. (Yes, I am coming up on two years here!) We saw each at events around town. I even participated in some of her career coaching sessions, but there was some part of her practice and self expression that was just north of my boundary of esoteric. I am learning that some people lean into that. What I mean is they embrace or confront that which feels uncomfortable. I typically run turn away from circumstances that make me uncomfortable.

As 2018 began to wind down I determined I wanted to accelerate the positive vibrations in my life. Yes the esoteric vibe is rubbing off on me. Since my arrival in Savannah my life has picked up momentum. I love it and began to feel there is more out there me now that I am back in America. Italy was a great experience, but there were certain limitations that are no longer factors in my life. I made a conscious decision to level up.

And so it happened that when I was in NY I heard knife throwing and axe throwing were a thing. I love all sorts of weapons, but especially knives. This immediately caught my interest. When I returned to Savannah I made a list of activities I wanted to try. Axe throwing was in the top five. The nearest axe throwing classes are in Atlanta, which is an almost four-hour drive. I did not fuss about it. I wrote it in my book, set the intention to go axe throwing and closed the book on it for the time being. I did not fuss or worry about it. I let it be.

Within a few months a friend came to me with the idea of driving to Atlanta to GO AXE THROWING for my birthday. I was floored, ecstatic really is the word to best describe it. And that my friends is how manifesting works. Within a few weeks we were on our way to Atlanta for a day of axe throwing. I could try to explain the how and why manifesting works in greater detail, but I'm not sure I can. What I do know for sure is I want to elevate my life this year. I want to it fill it with joy, sweetness and success. Some of that could could happen with positive thoughts, but generating high powered positive thoughts takes some work. That is where the Life Coach comes in. We are almost halfway through our journey, and already my life is sweeter. I say a lot more about how I feel. I feel a lot more of what I say. And dear reader it is all about what you feel in your heart.

Until next time on The Cat Who Swallowed the Canary.

The End Is Near: Watch Killing Eve

What's your rut got to do with it? Everything if you ask me. One person's rut might be another's pinnacle. Of course we are all on our own journey, but if you are like me and seek to live a life beyond having your basic needs met then you could be in a rut. Taken a step further you may not even be aware that you are in a rut. I had an inkling I might be. And when that happens I set a goal. Nothing big or especially glamourous, just something that I could focus on intentionally. I chose to drink a gallon of water a day, and it changed everything.

I have a dear friend. I will call him Larry here in order to protect his very gay identity. He visited me in Italy, and was one of my first gay friends to get married in New York when it became legal. He still lives in New York, works in finance and has his finger on all things pop culture. As I write this, he is spending the holidays with his family in Taipei, Taiwan, which is the new Paris. A few months ago he asked me if I was watching a popular British television show: Killing Eve. The show has been on my radar for a few months, but I finally got around to watching it. Best decision I made this Fall. It shifted my perspective just enough to give me some much needed impetus.  

Motherhood asks a lot of women. Motherhood asks a lot of me. I thought being a good mother meant I had to put my needs at the bottom of a very long list. Good mothers give their children everything right? WRONG. That practice sucked the vibrancy out of my core. The voice in my head that sounds like Oprah tried to remind me to put on my oxygen mask on first, but I had trouble doing and believing it was right. Enter Villanelle the professional assassin at the center of the Killing Eve tv series. Not only does she exercise her agency at a very high level, but she is also impulsive. Ok, she is also a sociopath, but let's not get caught up in the details! I thought motherhood meant I had to shutoff my impulsive nature because well, I didn't want to be reckless with a baby around. Here is the thing: my uninhibited nature is the core of being. Without it joy and vibrancy receded into the background of my life. 

Watching this little show with Sandra Oh aka Christina Yang as MI5 spy, Eve Polastri and Jodi Comer with her glowing "disco ball" skin, as Villanelle, a professional assassin, inspired me to pivot to another direction. Villanelle does everything at level 10. It is all full speed ahead for her. Act first, think later type of gal after my own heart. She is joyous, impulsive and a tad reckless. Attributes I gave up in hopes of becoming a more mature, maternal version of myself because I can't fuck up raising my kid. But..that lady sucks. I am sending her back to that tiny, dark corner in my brain where she sprang from.

Which brings us back to Jodi Comer's skin which goes beyond inspirational. The luminosity of her skin is aspirational. Skin with an elusive clarity that reflects light is a gift you don't even know you have in your 20s. You just wake up and light beams out of your face with you scarcely noticing it. In your 30s you learn that your skin is changing and if you do not learn how to take care of it, you will live to regret it. Some of us heed the call; others put it off for another few years. Well dear reader I will tell you that when approached my 40s I took decisive action that paid off. I diligently researched products, and techniques. I also began my journey into the world of anti-aging supplements at that time. I eventually found the right combination that made my skin radiant. I carefully tracked the results. I discovered that what I put inside my body was more important than the creams, serums and masks I applied. This stuff takes hard work. Once I had Hunter skin care is one of my passions that fell to the bottom of my list. Those pregnancy hormones definitely made me lazy. That was five years ago. Each day he becomes more self reliant leaving me with time to reflect on my needs. And boy am I needy.

Watching Villanelle is highly entertaining, and I am well aware that she has an army of makeup artists and a skin-health consultant to get her skin gorgeous. Those pesky details do not distract me from the attainable goal of glass-like skin. Recently I assessed my skin care regimen and products. There are still a few gaps, but I realized quite quickly I need to drink more water. My allergies are still kicking my ass, but I am fighting back much harder with a strategic response: OTC medication (Allegra+Zyrtec), exercise (spending time on the stationary bike everyday, getting some running in) and chugging copious amounts of water.

I am up to 80 ounces of water a day. It has been a few weeks. My eyes have stopped tearing and are less puffy. I feel more energized. I am a lot more active because drinking all that water means I go to the bathroom very often. My skin is clearing up. Also, I learned about a few interesting products from the In the Cut article linked above. Most importantly I am taking responsibility to incorporate more joy in my life.

Last year I closed the blog out strong by posting everyday. The results were invigorating. This year is a bit different because of my new JOB (yes, I found a job), but I do intend to close out strong nonetheless.

In love and pushing for more, Mickie

I Am Getting Good at This

Practice makes perfect

The year is almost over and now is a good time to take stock in what I have accomplished thus far. I did not make the 1k followers on the Gram. I also did not become the Gwen Stefani of fashion, beauty and wellness, yet. I did something better.

I made peace with the here and now. I have mostly released the fear about tomorrow and the next 25 years. There are a few minutes a couple of times a week that I think about my retirement: How will I maintain the lavish lifestyle I have grown accustomed to? (Oh wait, I do not live a lavish lifestyle.) This new way of living in the fullness of the moment has energized me. I am doing much more with the new energy and confidence, but I am also taking it easy.

A few weeks ago my recruiter of almost a year decided to go back to school to complete her finance degree. I am thrilled for her, but it does mean that she will no longer be my contact at the agency. Let's call her Alberta for the moment. Alberta and I were working together to find my "forever job", while I build my forever business. When she initially shared the news I asked if I could call her back. I took a few hours to process my emotions. We had a great professional  relationship, and budding friendship was on the horizon. She helped my find several assignments that were fun, and flexible. The two of us could talk for hours about life, and the nature of work. I worked hard to cultivate that relationship, and now it was gone.

In the hours before I returned her call I asked myself what lesson was in this challenge for me: Get up and keep pushing. I called her back to get the details and started scheduling meetings with her replacement. During my evening meditations I have focused on my awareness of the present moment, my intuition and what my body is communicating to me. I have sought to be bolder with my thoughts and actions. Through this meditation I have made space for the most exciting and fulfilling experiences and relationships I have had in the last six years.

Bringing Hunter into this world has been the most incredible gift of my entire life. Motherhood, although deeply rewarding, can be terribly taxing. I wanted very much to be a perfect mother to fulfill his every want and desire. My inevitable failings discouraged me. I quickly trapped myself in a place where my needs were at the bottom of the totem pole.

I made small changes at first because that is how the big changes happen. I did a little everyday. My intentional daily actions made a difference, and the results have been brought me tremendous joy. I have made new friends and deepened existing relationships. Life has been particularly sweet lately. I made a few strategic decisions to shift my thinking at the start of the year. I am in love with where those changes have brought me. Of course there have been challenges, but I have learned to weather them better. I knew 2018 would be awesome, but it is turning into spectacular.

Once upon a time I practiced a lot of over thinking. More recently I decide what to do based on the following three questions:
Does it feel good in my body when I think about this choice?
Is it authentic?
Does it support my journey?

When I can get yes to those three questions I know it is the right decision.

A few weeks ago I saw Hunter's karate school was offering adult Krav Maga knife combat instructor classes. I was interested but, there were a few factors I had to consider. I decided to treat the uncertainty about the class and how to make it work with Hunter's schedule as noise. I asked myself the aforementioned questions. With my answers sorted I signed up. The class was intense. Electrified knives were involved. I tussled with my partner for a few hours. Taking turns wrestling each other to the mat and dodging that electrified knife. To complete the course I had to teach a specific technique to the class. I left there well fed in body, mind and spirit.

Like a Virgin; Shiny and New

This was one of those summers that as a teenager I would notate as being a turning point. An awakening, the beginning of the beginning. The Summer of 2018 will go down as one of those. I did the things I did not think I could. I crossed a meaningful threshold. Most importantly I stepped back into the joy of my life.

Three years ago a battery exploded in our apartment setting the course for series of challenges I was not sure I would survive. I lost most of my worldly possessions and Italian law enforcement wanted to throw us in jail for arson. Even though we were cleared of all wrongdoing in the case, it was a devastating blow to my sense of safety in small rooms and in the world at large. I was filled with fear all the time even though I jumped out of burning building and saved my life. I worked slowly to put the pieces back together. In an effort at total transparency I will tell you that after I jumped out of that window and clawed my way to safety I heard God's voice. He told me to look around and see that he had not forsaken me. It was a euphoric experience. I clung to it, hoping I would hear him speaking to me clearly again. He has not; at least not in that dramatic sort of way I hoped for after.

In the weeks and months that passed I tried to put the whole thing behind me, but the feeling that I was not safe anywhere lingered. Coming back to the U.S. was supposed to help, but there were even more unknowns here to keep me trapped in my fear. I was jumpy, skittish and a general mess. Last year an overcooked hotdog brought the fire department to our home. Hunter and I were so lathered up that the firemen insisted on coming into the house to make sure we were as fine as I said we were.

Then I started blogging regularly. Started a Meetup group to find my people. (It is thriving by the way.) Met the founders of my favorite podcast, and told them how they inspired me. They thanked me on social media. I met a Meetup platform director she loves the community I am creating. I was elected vice president of my Toastmasters club. I registered with a temp agency. My recruiter and I developed a candid relationship. She told me frankly that I am overqualified for most of the jobs in Savannah, but she can keep me busy if I am ok with assignments that are not as challenging or well paid as my previous roles. I agreed and once I let go of money and status I began to truly HEAL.

I accepted a two month temporary position at the most well known retail corporation in the world. It was basic office work, but the hours aligned with Hunter's school and karate schedule. It was also close to home and low stress. Most days I came home with enough energy to work on my special projects and spend quality time with Hunter. My days were filled with new people living in circumstances so vastly different from my own that I told them very little about myself. My days were filled with dramas tiny and large, and all the hot gourmet drinks I could drink, which wreaked havoc on my skin. I gave up trying to find a permanent position at this place. Although it is a multi-national corporation this particular location does not have a position for someone with my particular skill set. Let's leave it there.

Once I sorted through that dilemma I strapped in for the journey. I learned a lot about Savannah and the America of 2018. Juggling a full time job, a four year old, a husband in Afghanistan, and the rest of my life built my confidence back up a little bit at a time everyday. There were small indignities to be sure. Someone asked me to cut out little carboard ID cards, but I did it gracefully because I was out in the world in this place where no one knew about my past. I was just a lady in an office who wore nice clothes. I adored the anonymity. And it allowed me to shed that ash that clung so tightly to me.

I feel a bit like a virgin: shiny and new.  

Chinese Foods Unknown

TEDx Savannah crew

About that TEDx Savannah event I so eagerly lobbied to be part of last month. It was AMAZING. As I hoped I had the opportunity to go behind the "curtain." It was a lot of work back there. It was two days of working closely with the team who produce the event, but also time well spent with the speakers. The talks were fascinating. There was the rocket scientist who loves to paint, the Gullah descendant who works in STEM and the college professor who studies scatological iconography. It was a 48 hours I won't soon forget.

I connected with some great folks. One of them is a Chinese graduate student. Do you love Chinese food as much as I do? Have you ever gone to a Chinese restaurant and saw a massive table with only Chinese people eating dishes that were clearly not on the menu and wondered WTF? I have experienced this phenomenon several times. I have spent a good portion of my waking hours and perhaps a few sleeping hours pondering how to gain access to the hidden menu. It seemed impossible until I met Carrie (I changed her name to protect her anonymity). She was drawn to me when she heard I was from New York. I was drawn to her when I saw her amazing t-zone highlight. We discussed make-up and the eight-step Korean skincare method before turning to food just before I stumbled upon an incredible secret.

Me: How long have you been in the US?
Carrie: One year and a half.
Me: Are you wearing make up or is that your actual skin?
Carrie: Oh no! Is it too much?
Me: No, not at all. I wasn't even sure it was makeup.

That is when she pulled out her Chanel highlight palette. If you are a woman reading this you know just how intimate of an act this is. As I turned the elegant compact over in my hands I knew I had crossed an important boundary and prepared to move the discussion toward food.

Me: Do you like American food? It must be very different from food in China...
Carrie: I do like American food.
Me: I love Chinese. In New York we have great Chinese food but, I have not found any good restaurants here yet.
Carrie: I want to go to New York very much. I'm trying to get an internship there this summer. There's a very good Chinese restaurant in Georgetown. It's called Wang II.

I sat staring at her speechless. First of all I could scarcely believe I was a part of this discussion, but that is not what left me dumbstruck. I could not believe she loved Wang II. This place does not even have a website. I have been to Wang I and was not impressed so this was confusing AF. I quickly pulled it up on my phone.

Me: You go to this place? Wang II? (I jabbed at my screen with my pointy little index finger.)
Carrie: Yes, it is so good.

Perplexed, but undeterred I pushed onward. I pulled up the menu on Yelp.

Me: Carrie, can you please show me what you order when you go to Wang II? (I cradled my phone gently offering it to her with childlike gestures.)

Carrie: Ummm..well..I can't..do that.

Carrie's eyes began to dart around the room. Perhaps she was looking for the nearest exit because I had clearly stumbled upon one of the last remaining secrets in western history!

Me: Why not Carrie? (I was calm, struggling to drain any hint of aggression or anxiety from my voice. My voice would not betray me today.)

I tried to sound pleading. Curious, but not too curious. Concerned, but not worried.

Carrie: There's a separate menu, for Chinese.

I gasped and pulled my hand to my mouth so quickly it made a popping noise. Carrie nodded slowly reminding me of that popular Jack Nicholson gif.

I recovered from the popping gasp with such aplomb you will hug me with deep pride next time you lay eyes on my physical person. I was very cool and casual when I asked if we could go sometime and order off the special Chinese menu. She said yes and I watched as something like pride began to emerge from her eyes.

Ladies and gents when I get to Wang II and order from the Chinese menu you will be the very first to know.

Rest in peace Anthony Bourdain my food hero and inspiration.

This Was Bizarre Foolishness

Seven years out of the country will do a number on your pop culture knowledge among other things. There are quite a few shows out there that I have either never heard of or watched. Sometimes it is both. Bizarre Foods is one of those shows.

Part of the deal we made in order to come back to the U.S. was that Ryan would deploy three months out of the year. They doubled the deployment this year so he is gone for six months. We are almost half way through. I am learning some big lessons this go around. I am stronger than I thought, and having a fantastic support system has helped me to see that.

I am deepening my relationships with my family and learning how to insist people respect my boundaries. And I continue to navigate the brackish professional environment in Savannah. I am still working with my client. That is going very well. Also a friend of a friend recommended I connect with a temp agency. Typically the assignments do not work with my schedule with Hunter, but this week I made it happen. I had to hire someone to help, but it was well worth the effort to have an office outside of the home to go to everyday.

The assignment is nothing to brag about. Typical office work. Nothing I would be interested in doing full time, but the location is fantastic. I spent the week in historic downtown Savannah, which is hip, cool and trendy. Everyday I tried a new restaurant on the best of Savannah list. Friday I went to the Kayak Café. It almost felt like New York in there, but everyone was too laid back. I took a seat at the bar and ordered a chicken burrito. After a few minutes a man sat next to me. He was clearly a regular at Kayak. No sooner than he ordered his fresh salad did it appear. I wondered how much longer did a burrito take to prepare. I inquired about my meal as he chowed down on his. It came out almost immediately after I asked.

I noticed a certain air of aloofness wafting from the guy sitting next to me. He stood out in contrast to the relaxed atmosphere. Most people would have made some sort of gesture of hello; this is the south after all. I made a mental note that he did not, but my burrito was so good the thought quickly passed. We sat munching away at our respective meals in silence. Then I heard the waitress point out a young woman at the other end of the bar.

Waitress: We were just discussing how much you resemble Andrew Zimmern from the show Bizarre Foods.

Aloof guy: NO RESPONSE

If you were looking hard enough you could see a slight shrug to his shoulders. Perhaps a hint of annoyance, but overall he neither affirmed nor denied it. This was not the response I expected. If someone mistook me as a television personality I would definitely have a response. Unless I was the celebrity they thought I was! I turned to him quickly and asked if it happened often that people mistook him for...I stopped mid-sentence and asked who exactly he was supposed to be. He said the show is called Bizarre Foods. I asked how does that work out for you. His eyes lit up.

Celebrity guy: I wonder if should get an agent sometimes. There was this one time a woman jumped out of her car asking for my autograph.

Me: Oh that sounds a little over the top.

Celebrity guy: There was this one time a woman let me pat her on the ass.

Me: Eww

My shoulders automatically pulled back and I lowered my chin in disapproval. He turned away briefly.

Celebrity guy: I should not have said that.

Me: No you should not have. It was inappropriate.

He pushed his salad away.  

Celebrity guy: I am so embarrassed. I should not have said that to you.

He whispered once more that he was very embarrassed. He quickly paid his bill and left in a hurry.

The girl at the end of the bar asked what happened. She was shocked when I told her. This unfortunate encounter highlights aspects of the #metoo movement. It reinforced the entitlement men of a certain age and stature feel in the world. Whether it was his fame or his wealth, he felt entitled to speak to me in a way that made us both uncomfortable. He said he was embarrassed but, failed to apologize explicitly. On the bright side he policed himself. He knew it was a misstep and instead of making it worse he left.

I walked back to my office wondering if I had done something to invite the comment. Perhaps I should have not opened the conversation. Maybe I was wearing something that gave him the wrong idea. Then I remembered that he was embarrassed because he did something wrong. I did nothing wrong. In fact I did everything right.

Yep, I kept the ring

Last time on the Cat Who Swallowed the Canary I was having a moment at TEDx Savannah. I was on the precipice of discussing a little known fact about myself. When I ended my engagement with my first fiancé (yep, I kept the ring) I moved back to Brooklyn, New York from Rome, Italy. I worked hard to build a new life in my hometown mostly confident I had made the right decision. I landed my first job in finance. The job was stressful. There was a steep learning curve and the first tech bubble had just popped. I made time to date and create a robust social life. My cousin and shared a smashing apartment in a trendy neighborhood in Brooklyn with a sweet commute.

My boss at the time, let's call her Roxanne, was a stickler about time. It did not matter how late we stayed to get work done; at a few minutes before 9:00 am Roxanne made the rounds through our maze of cubicles to make sure we were in our seats. Late arrivals were not tolerated. My last Tuesday in the office began with a start. I slept through my alarm, and was running ten minutes behind. I pulled myself together quickly and bolted for the train. I was close to making up the time, when the train stopped just before it entered my station. Unbelievable! When the doors opened I slipped out with my eyes focused on getting through the turnstile. That is when I noticed a colleague from another department. He was rushing into the train. The expression on his face gave me slight pause, but then I thought about Roxanne staring at my empty chair in the meeting and regained my momentum.

I climbed the stairs out of the subway two at a time. At the surface I checked my watch. It was 8:55. It would take me another three minutes to get to the 33rd floor of WTC 2, but there was smoke and what I thought was debris coming out of WTC 1. I called Roxanne to tell her there was an incident and I would be late, but I could not get through. I know now from trauma therapy that I went into shock as my brain tried to protect me from the horror that was people making the awful choice to jump out of the windows of the highest floors of WTC 1. I continued to make my way to the building when the second plane hit. I was less than a block away. The ball of fire the explosion created was so big and so hot that I could feel the heat on my on the side of my face. There was a collective scream from the hundreds of us on the ground, and then a stampede of people running at me. I hid in a small space between buildings until there was a clearing. Then I ran.

I made it home to Brooklyn just before the Towers collapsed. I saw the ball of fire for weeks after in my nightmares. I worked for a large firm with an even larger parent company in Hartford, CT. With our headquarters destroyed, our fearless leaders decided to relocate us to CT.

When the dust settled we were asked to document the belongings we had in the building at the time of the attack. We were reimbursed with very few questions. With everything that had happened it was difficult to remember everything in my desk. In the end it did not matter much. Creating the list more than anything triggered survivor's guilt. I was wracking my brain trying to remember if I left my sweater on the back of my chair or not while others had lost their lives. It was a difficult process to work through, but being in Hartford helped. The distance created a much needed buffer.

Having survived together, my colleagues and I were tightly bonded. We recovered together in a sort of cocoon. We had shared this singular experience. One which very few people could understand. When I left the company five years later my anonymity and individuality returned. It was a relief to forget. September 11 anniversaries came and went. Fewer people knew I was there that day. It receded into the background of my life.

I was the guest speaker on base in Italy one year during the memorial, but was so triggered that I stopped talking about it for another few years. Then TEDx Savannah came up on my radar. This year the event is being held at the Savannah International Trade Center. I tried my best not to say the name of the location because every time I said it, I said world trade center. In this year of living authentically I recognized the Freudian slip. Instead of ignoring it I embraced it. In my correspondence with the Nick, the volunteer organizer, I told him I was there that day. He mentioned it at the first volunteer session. I knew there was a chance he might, but I was unprepared to speak about it with strangers. I faltered a bit. My apprehension is rooted in my desire not to profit in anyway from the lives that were lost that day. I honor them when I live. When I pursue my dreams. When I am fiercely authentic in my life that was spared on that tragic day. I survived that day, but I thrive everyday after.