I Leaned In So Far I Fell Over

Have you ever wanted to change your life? Have you ever had the feeling you were in the wrong place, but only to show you how to get to the right place? If you have then you intuitively understand the intersection of confusion and knowing that I have lived for the last eight years. 

Motherhood is complicated, and first-time motherhood is arduous terrain. A few weeks after my son, who is now eight, was born his Godmother uttered chilling words I will never forget, "From now on your life will be dominated by the search for efficient and safe childcare." The joy and satisfaction I had holding my son after I survived 14 hours of labor leeched out through one of the folds in his blanket. Her words hit me at me at my weak spots. Between the two of us Ryan and I have five healthy parents. That's plenty of hands to go around! However, as days turned to weeks, months and years, I found the reliance on family for childcare was a pipedream. Compounded by the fact that we lived halfway across the world in Italy when Hunter was born, it dawned on me that Hunter's Godmother was prescient. 

I viewed my career as an essential part of my identity. Independence is a requisite component to my happiness. It was why I worked so hard to graduate from college and grad school and secure a career. I could not, should not give that up to RAISE A BABY. EVER. No one I knew did this. My peers hired nannies or seemed to have a mythical set up that ensured their offspring were always cared for no matter what. What happened next in my journey was a surprise. 

My resourceful nature was key to balancing motherhood and career. My aunt stayed with us for the first three months after I gave birth. Then Ryan's mother for three months after that. By then Hunter was ready for daycare. I cried that first day at drop off but prioritized getting back to work. I needed my identity to be tied to my career. The alternative title, MOM, more precisely STAY-AT-HOME MOM terrified me. Waitlist navigation became an essential part of my existence. When the list for daycare, preschool, kindergarten and later specialized elementary schools opened, closed and how many were on the list dominated my life. 

One of us, typically Ryan, travels a few times a month. I juggled childcare needs and stuffed down any sense of guilt that tried to make its way to the surface. The juggling act was trickier Stateside. Although closer to family, they weren't as willing or available to us as we had hoped. 

Most unfortunately, I became determined to prove I could do it all. Buoyed by Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In, I continued to push for a defining career worthy of my experience, education and talent. I needed to be challenged and respected at work. I pushed, networked and applied until I got as close to my previous high-powered roles as I could. When I finally arrived at my cube back in Corporate America a sense of unease slowly began to creep over me like slug on the concrete after a humid spring rain. The title was impressive inside the organization, although coordinator had an administrative ring to my seasoned ear. The pay was better than any other since my arrival, but below my worth. 

I tried to treat Ryan's schedule as a minor inconvenience (he travels two to six months out of the year). An event to be managed. Something to be worked around. I reveled in the idea that everyone was looking at me marveling at how I got it all done. "Isn't she amazing.," I hoped they whispered as they closed their eyes before bed. This was cold comfort as the pandemic forced me to re-evaluate what matters most. Until next time on The Cat Who Swallowed the Canary.

This Was Bizarre Foolishness

Seven years out of the country will do a number on your pop culture knowledge among other things. There are quite a few shows out there that I have either never heard of or watched. Sometimes it is both. Bizarre Foods is one of those shows.

Part of the deal we made in order to come back to the U.S. was that Ryan would deploy three months out of the year. They doubled the deployment this year so he is gone for six months. We are almost half way through. I am learning some big lessons this go around. I am stronger than I thought, and having a fantastic support system has helped me to see that.

I am deepening my relationships with my family and learning how to insist people respect my boundaries. And I continue to navigate the brackish professional environment in Savannah. I am still working with my client. That is going very well. Also a friend of a friend recommended I connect with a temp agency. Typically the assignments do not work with my schedule with Hunter, but this week I made it happen. I had to hire someone to help, but it was well worth the effort to have an office outside of the home to go to everyday.

The assignment is nothing to brag about. Typical office work. Nothing I would be interested in doing full time, but the location is fantastic. I spent the week in historic downtown Savannah, which is hip, cool and trendy. Everyday I tried a new restaurant on the best of Savannah list. Friday I went to the Kayak Café. It almost felt like New York in there, but everyone was too laid back. I took a seat at the bar and ordered a chicken burrito. After a few minutes a man sat next to me. He was clearly a regular at Kayak. No sooner than he ordered his fresh salad did it appear. I wondered how much longer did a burrito take to prepare. I inquired about my meal as he chowed down on his. It came out almost immediately after I asked.

I noticed a certain air of aloofness wafting from the guy sitting next to me. He stood out in contrast to the relaxed atmosphere. Most people would have made some sort of gesture of hello; this is the south after all. I made a mental note that he did not, but my burrito was so good the thought quickly passed. We sat munching away at our respective meals in silence. Then I heard the waitress point out a young woman at the other end of the bar.

Waitress: We were just discussing how much you resemble Andrew Zimmern from the show Bizarre Foods.

Aloof guy: NO RESPONSE

If you were looking hard enough you could see a slight shrug to his shoulders. Perhaps a hint of annoyance, but overall he neither affirmed nor denied it. This was not the response I expected. If someone mistook me as a television personality I would definitely have a response. Unless I was the celebrity they thought I was! I turned to him quickly and asked if it happened often that people mistook him for...I stopped mid-sentence and asked who exactly he was supposed to be. He said the show is called Bizarre Foods. I asked how does that work out for you. His eyes lit up.

Celebrity guy: I wonder if should get an agent sometimes. There was this one time a woman jumped out of her car asking for my autograph.

Me: Oh that sounds a little over the top.

Celebrity guy: There was this one time a woman let me pat her on the ass.

Me: Eww

My shoulders automatically pulled back and I lowered my chin in disapproval. He turned away briefly.

Celebrity guy: I should not have said that.

Me: No you should not have. It was inappropriate.

He pushed his salad away.  

Celebrity guy: I am so embarrassed. I should not have said that to you.

He whispered once more that he was very embarrassed. He quickly paid his bill and left in a hurry.

The girl at the end of the bar asked what happened. She was shocked when I told her. This unfortunate encounter highlights aspects of the #metoo movement. It reinforced the entitlement men of a certain age and stature feel in the world. Whether it was his fame or his wealth, he felt entitled to speak to me in a way that made us both uncomfortable. He said he was embarrassed but, failed to apologize explicitly. On the bright side he policed himself. He knew it was a misstep and instead of making it worse he left.

I walked back to my office wondering if I had done something to invite the comment. Perhaps I should have not opened the conversation. Maybe I was wearing something that gave him the wrong idea. Then I remembered that he was embarrassed because he did something wrong. I did nothing wrong. In fact I did everything right.

Positve thoughts clear the way for success

It has been an exciting week. In fact the entire month has been filled with revelations. Some more obvious than others. For years no matter my relationship with church I observe Lenten season with either giving up something I enjoy, or doing something kind more often. It is a practice my aunt who passed away last year helped to instill in me. This is my first Lent without her so I was particularly resolved to do something intentional to recognize her in a spiritual way.

I gave up saying and believing anything negative. Anytime I had a negative thought I would stop myself. It was hard because it is a habit I have indulged in for quite sometime. Thinking the worst of someone, a situation or even myself as a way to cope with disappointment or the unknown. To help me maintain the new mindset I let people know I was working on being more positive. When my conversations give me the opportunity to say something negative I stop and do something else. Anything else.

As a result of this new practice I feel more positive and happy. In addition to a better sense of well being, I am having more fun. There is so much time left over for other things to include sleep. I have slept more in the past four weeks than I have in the last four years. This is not hyperbole. The week after I found out I was pregnant with Hunter was the last time I remember resting my head on a pillow and drifting off to sleep for more than four continuous hours.

Can all this be attributed to a small change in my thinking? This is the wrong question. The correct question is can a new mindset change my life? The answer is unequivocally yes.

Ryan heads out next week. He had two weeks off from work and we decided to make of the most of the time together. We lived a reverse schedule. Staying up all night and sleeping well into the afternoon. He heads back to the office tomorrow, but not without us spending sometime in the outdoors. Remember that crossbow I received for Christmas? I finally had my chance to play with it somewhere other than my backyard.

Out in the wild blue yonder

Sold to the lady from the great State of New York

Let's get right to the point shall we. I had my wisdom teeth removed on Monday. I put off having them removed for years. I erroneously believed they belonged in my mouth because they grew there. Over the years I have dealt with the difficult ups and downs of them erupting to the surface. The pain oscillated between excruciating and mind numbing every few months. But the procedure to have them removed filled me dread. I put it off every year at my annual check up. Well dear reader that train came to a screeching halt at my recent trip to the dentist. I have early stage gum disease. Yikes!

My dentist strongly recommended I have the offending teeth removed as soon as possible. I was still skeptical about the procedure until I went for my consult with Dr. T. He was affable, professional and Australian. He systematically allayed every fear I had about oral surgery. He expertly outlined the procedure to include a low dose, pre-op tranquilizer the morning of the surgery. SOLD to the lady from the great State of New York! The worst part of a medical procedure is the anxiety about what could potentially go wrong. What's that you say? The recovery is the worst. No, that is why pain medications exist--along with the opioid crisis. #keepingit100

Monday was D-day. I started my cocktail of tranquilizers and analgesics first thing in the morning. The rest is as they say is a blurry haze. Ryan drove me to my appointment, waited for me to be done and drove me home. I have spent the last four days recovering. I have eaten plenty of bananas, mashed potatoes and ice cream. Folks warned me it could be two weeks before I felt normal again. Apparently some people sleep it off and go to work in the morning. 

I was up and moving on Wednesday. Not because I felt better, but because I signed up for a HubSpot marketing workshop and was not going to miss out. I made it, but definitely pushed myself a little too hard. Savannah is a hotbed of startups and the like. Workshops featuring entrepreneurs, their peers and wannabees such as your truly flock to these events. We were a small group of eagers excited to be in our coveted spot. When I got home I was limp. I still got a lot out off the workshop and even made a fortuitous professional connection. He is a Savannah College of Art And Design professor who launched an arts advocacy organization. 

I took easy it yesterday, and started eating solid foods today. I had a giant turkey and cheese sandwich with mayonnaise, lettuce and tomato. Life is good. 

  

A thing of beauty

Ready, aim, fire!

I almost did not write today because I could not think of what to write. Then I thought about what I did today. I sent a few pictures to a friend of my favorite pieces I bought before I left Italy. Hunter is the light of my life but, my wardrobe is my pride and joy. I did some networking and job hunting online. I made a delightful lunch for Ryan who came home early. I contemplated what I should do for my birthday next week and of course what I will do with my hair and what I will wear.

After I did all of that Ryan walked over to me and said ok I am heading out. While I was doing everything I mentioned in the first paragraph I had a scenario playing in the back of my mind. Ryan was excited to go to the shooting range. Guns still scare me, but they scare me a little less than before. This is the deep south. Did I mention there are several military bases in close proximity to my home? That is an important detail because those two facts create a space where people who are passionate about their second amendment rights choose to live. I had to get over it because the reality is just about everyone on my street has at least one firearm in their home.

When we were house hunting in March it did not escape me that every single house had had shotgun-sized safe in the closet. I asked Bonnie, our realtor, if the neighborhoods she was showing us were safe. She looked at me as if I had grown a visible third eye while I was in the closet. She said these are some of the safest neighborhoods in the country. Then why all the guns? Because our constitution says we can have them. She went on to say that there are many gun enthusiasts in this part of the country. The same part of the country that many citizens display the confederate flag. I am still sorting out all the feels about these issues, but today I supported my husband in his pursuit of happiness.

All that to explain how I ended up at the state shooting range this afternoon with Ryan. This was my second time there. It is a mildly terrifying experience. The shots ringing out are some of the loudest sounds I have ever heard in my life. Even with protective ear gear I still wince as if someone has stepped on my little toe when certain weapons are discharged. Today there was a teenage girl helping her father unload rifles from the car. It felt like an alternate universe. It felt scary. I did not feel welcome the first time and less so when Ryan asked me to help pick up the casings that weapons discharged. Today I felt a little more relaxed. Not exactly my idea of a good time, but as you know I am the kind of woman who will try anything once or twice.

Ribbons, ladies and the dress

I have established that I am not working..yet. And that has been a major professional challenge for me this year. Family (and not one friend) has asked me how I spend my days. That is because my friends know about the daily challenges I faced in a new city operating as a single parent. There is not much time left over after caring for Hunter, job hunting and staying gorgeous. It takes time and effort to look good even when you do not necessarily have some place to go. Especially in this town where people are very laid back. I refuse to disparage the good folks of my town, but I will say there are a few Wal-Marts here, maybe several.

Once I found a great daycare program for Hunter, got rid of the armadillo and completed a few urgent repairs to the house some time freed up. Then Ryan came back and he needed quite a bit of care and feeding. I mean that literally. He lost almost fifty pounds in the few months he was gone. He sort of stumbled around the house the first few days trying to get reacquainted with everything to include Hunter and me. I got him sorted out, and on the first day he went back to work I exhaled deeply. It was time to get to work on me.

I took the best advice ever from one of my dearest friends  and joined Toastmasters. I won four ribbons! I hosted a welcome home party for Ryan once he was ready for outside company. I attend a few coffee and lunch networking meetings a week. I read to Hunter's class a few times a month. I also joined a meetup called Heart Centered Women. It is a group of creative women who have a vision of their best life and are looking for the roadmap to get there. Samantha started the group this summer. Her story reads like a Lifetime movie, but with a Happily Ever After (HEA). Successful New York non-profit executive ditches her-pie-in- the-sky office and the salary that comes with it, and moves to Savannah, GA to start her life coaching business. You better believe she is living her HEA. I have participated in a few of her events and you can feel the passion radiating out of her.

Samantha's third from the left.We are at a wine tasting event

Last night she offered a "hot seat" career coaching call. It was amazing. Several of us were on the call speaking about being in transition in our careers. She focused in on our fears and a surprise to no one she told us that our fears were holding us all back. Samantha encouraged..encouraged is not even the word. Samantha guided me through my fear of making a phone call to someone that can help me find my own career HEA. I feel incredibly energized today. I joined the gym. I am looking good. My muscles are clearly poppin'. Today I worked out harder than I have in a long time. I came home to make the call I have been thinking about for months. Although the woman on the other end of the line could not see me, I made sure I looked good while we spoke. It absolutely helped to boost my confidence.

I get dressed for my networking calls

Me trying to look suburban

The year is quickly coming to a close, and every year I say I am going to do more with the blog. Yet here I am with the new year coming at warp speed with no new exciting things happening on the blog. Of the many goals I had this year posting more frequently was definitely on my list. As we slide into 2018 I am going to try meet my goal and post new content everyday. This should be easy because I still have not found a job. February will be one year since we moved back to the United States of America where a TV star is the President.

To be perfectly honest being back is not what I expected. I expected to continue being a harried working mom, but without a nanny or husband because Ryan would be gone for three months shortly after we got here and I could not bring Marina with us. I thought I would miss Italy more than anything in the world. I was certain I would face discrimination based on my race, my bi-racial kid and my white husband. Maybe throw in gender and my northern accent for good measure. The Georgia state flag does incorporate the confederate flag...This gave me a general sense of foreboding. Most of all I thought I would be working at the Army base with a 45 minute commute wondering how I ended up working in a stifled office as a mid-level government employee in the deep south.

It is with great joy and exquisite pleasure that I tell you none of those events came to pass. The government job has not materialized. My transfer remains tangled in red tape that I fear will never be sorted. We live in a beautiful, safe and diverse community in one of the fastest growing cities in the country. Convenience and yes southern charm is everywhere. My little family is happier than we have ever been.

At Sam's. Buying in bulk is so American

A job would be nice, but I know the perfect opportunity will come when the time is right. For the time being I am focused on spending these precious days with Hunter and Ryan. He heads back to the middle east in a few months. Let us hope and pray things go smoother than last time he was gone. More on that hopefully tomorrow.

How to Survive Surviving a Fire

Jumping out the window to save my life was just the beginning of the story. In the weeks and months that followed a lot happened. We moved twice, not including the original move from our apartment before settling down in the new place. At one point we were managing three apartments, moving our belongings around as needs arose. All that moving was exhausting and a dear friend asked what I was doing for myself to remain resilient.

Ryan's mother and childhood best friend came to visit, providing much needed support. While we had help with Hunter, I went London to see my cousin. Even in August London is cold! The cooler temperatures were refreshing. I let my cousin dote on me. She cooked all my favorites and we spent most of our time talking. Our conversations went way into evening hours reminding us both of our childhood summers in Guyana.

I returned to Italy renergized and prepared to deal with a steady stream of questions about what happened and where we were living, and keeping Hunter's routine as close to normal as possible. I won't try to pretend it was easy and it was not until my father and stepmother arrived in country that life began to feel normal again.

We had such fun together! They got to know Hunter, we took day trips and spent a lot of time at home eating, our favorite pastime. We were enjoying ourselves so much that my father extended his stay three weeks. We both had the time of our lives. The extra time meant a day trip to Rome, wine tasting at my favorite winery and more after dinner trips to my favorite gelataria for dessert. Saying goodbye is never easy, but these days with Skype and FaceTime it's not so bad. 

Our time in Italy is winding down. We should be back stateside by summer next year. The past five years here have been incredible. Good thing I took the time to make a few notes about it here!

Where There's Smoke...

This photo was taken a week before the fire

Most of you have some idea about the electrical fire that destroyed our apartment in Vicenza last month. The important part is we all survived. All the details are not here, and I some of them are thankfully are already forgotten. I may never know why it happened, but I know this for sure:

Each obstacle we are faced with is another opportunity to use our power to be great

Military life is transient. I make friends here and after a time they move on to their new assignment. Susan is one such friend. Last month she moved to Korea to further her career as an Officer in the United States Army. As is the custom, her colleagues threw her a farewell dinner party. I had never eaten at the the restaurant where the dinner was scheduled so I ate a big meal before heading out. I am loving those Chili's chicken fajita bowls right now. I ate one of those and then several boiled shrimp. Feeling satisfied, I left Hunter with Ryan in the living room and went up stairs to freshen up before dinner. I was powdering my nose when I heard a loud pop and the electricity went out.

I yelled down to Ryan that the electricity went out again. This happened fairly often if there were more than a few appliances on in the apartment. As I approached the stairs leading to the area where Ryan and Hunter were I smelled and saw smoke. I immediately new something big was on fire, but I was not sure where. I screamed for Ryan. I waited a few seconds to hear what was going on before I proceeded down the stairs, but the sound Ryan made let me know something had gone terribly wrong. The staircase quickly filled with smoke. I yelled for Ryan to get Hunter and get out. I could not see my way down and was still unsure of where the fire was. I quickly went over to the window in the upstairs hallway to open it so I could get some light and air to see my way down the stairs, but to my horror thick black smoke rolled me back onto my heels. In shock I gasped taking in a chest full of smoke. I stumbled back to the bathroom with eyes burning and smoke choking my throat. 

I forced open the window and leaned out trying to breath, but there was too much smoke. Without thinking I jumped out of the window onto the adjacent window of a nearby building and waited for the fire department to rescue me. It took the fire department approximately one hour to extinguish the fire and rescue me. They frantically searched the apartment before they found me on a nearby window sill. I was rushed to the hospital, treated for mild scratches and shock, and reunited with Ryan and Hunter there. 

The fire destroyed over 70% of the apartment. The kitchen and parts of the living room are ok, but the rest including the bedrooms and our clothes are mostly gone. The most important items made it out just fine: Hunter, Ryan and me.  

The details of the days and weeks have lost their clarity, but a few things stand out. Our support system rallied around us, providing shelter and emotional support until we could figure out our next steps. We are still figuring out some of those, but we are safe,

together and moving forward!

Where Did the Time Go?

As it turns out Hunter is not a baby anymore. He is a pre-toddler. In just under two months he will move to the the next phase of his education: the toddler class. In preparation for this new phase he needs to give up his pacifier and eat more solid foods. Where did the time go? It seems like it was just  yesterday when all he did was drink milk, poop and sleep.

These days he is doing much more than that. This weekend was Ryan's birthday and Hunter spontaneously said happy. All we want for our children is for them to be happy. That his first word was happy was one of Ryan best birthday gifts ever. He said it a few more times throughout the day and each time Ryan and I beamed at each other with joy

I have tried to interest Hunter in solid foods over the past few month without much success. All the food ends up in his lap. His recent check-up revealed that he needs to consume more calories like it or not. You know where this is going. He did not like most of what I tried to feed him, but moms have to be creative and persistent. I sat him down in front of one of his favorite shows and spoon fed him chicken, rice and vegetables. He protested at first, but every time he opened his mouth to cry I put a spoonful in and he ate it. He went back to crying as soon as he was done chewing and swallowing. We went on this way until all of the chicken, rice and vegetables were gone. The next day I tried homemade mashed potatoes. Things went the same as the day before. He cried, I put food in his open mouth, he swallowed and cried some more. On the third day I tried elbow pasta with tiny meatballs. I turned my attention away for a few seconds and Hunter had discarded the spoon and was feeding himself with his hands! In shock I just stared, and struggled not to make a big deal of it. I stared at him for minutes as he enjoyed his movie and his meatballs.

Preparing food for Hunter satisfies a deep maternal need to nourish him. Breastfeeding did not go so well for us, and cooking for him feels sort of like a do over. I am excited to cook my favorites for him because so far my instincts have been spot on about what he likes. I cannot wait for him to try my macaroni and cheese!

Fashion: A Form of Self Expression

I take fashion seriously because it is my favorite way to express myself. For the last few years my look has been comprised of bright colors in unexpected pairings. The infamous Aquaman outfit comes to mind easily.

Old me in inadvertent AquaMan outfit

Whimsy played a large role in my aesthetic. Then I had a baby and nothing fit for awhile. Add to that the uncertainty of will my favorite dress EVER fitting again and I was adrift in the warm waters of Italian fashion.

Something about having Hunter in my life makes me want to have less whimsy in my wardrobe. It was just a feeling at first and then my recent exposure to the fashion icon known as the "Parisian Woman" cemented it. The women were all so elegantly styled: statement sunglasses, a flourish of a scarf, and the perfect red lip. This simple uniform interpreted in various ways throughout Paris woke me up a bit.

I came back thinking more carefully about my silhouette and color palette. Taking second looks at basics such black and white. Rejecting A-line skirts and dresses for sophisticated Body Cons. The change has been subtle..sort of. I work in an office with mostly males. They notice when a woman wears a curve hugging dress. Not the kind of attention I covet. All the same I want to look less like the quirky girl at the office and more like the sophisticate who gets things done. I thought I found just the thing to spark the change. I love these shoes! They are comfortable and stylish, but my boss refers to them as granny shoes and others often ask if I couldn't afford the laces...

x

I added cropped pants to my office rotation, and several folks asked if I have trouble finding pants in my size. I came home with a dress that was clearly out of my comfort zone.

Me: What do you think?
Ryan: It looks like you are wearing your underwear outside of your clothes...
Me: Are you kidding?
Ryan: Sort of but, not really..I hope you don't wear that to work.

He is not the jealous type, but I noticed he furrowed his brow with consternation when said it might work if I wore a blazer over it. The thing is this is not about Ryan or the guys at the office or my boss. It is about self expression and projecting the confidence I feel inside. The journey continues.

Getting there

The Moment I Feared

I have probably mentioned Ryan's busy travel schedule recently but, it begs to be mentioned again. This guy (Ryan) has done an extraordinary amount of traveling this year in past twelve months. We have managed to always have childcare help when he is away. My aunt was here for three months, then his mom was here. When she left we had a nanny come to help us until we found a spot at daycare. While daycare helps, it typically takes two of us to handle Hunter,  food shopping, cooking and the bedtime routine. When he is gone, which is often, we have Marina help out when she can. 

Truth be told it can get lonely here, and the pressure of temporary single parenthood in a foreign country can be intense. Marina helps out in a myriad of ways. I always give her plenty of advanced notice regarding Ryan's travel so she can prioritize being here. There have been more that a few nights that I have wondered what I would do if for some reason she could not be here to help me. The mere thought made my blood run cold. When Ryan is away the three of us have a manageable routine.

Things work until they don't. While Ryan was away, I was tasked with attending a conference in the DC area. Marina could not watch Hunter overnight, but a dear friend could. I went to the conference held at the Women's War Memorial in Arlington, and Face-timed with Hunter when I could. I was thrilled to be engaged with him, but he was quickly frustrated when he could not touch and smell me through the phone. He kept turning the phone over to find me. I missed my boy terribly those three days. 

Just to keep things interesting, Hunter got a stomach bug while I was gone, and Marina came down with the flu when I got back. It was the moment I feared. No Ryan, no Marina, a sick baby and playing catch up at the office. The only way to handle a situation with so many variables coming at me was to address them one at a time. The very best part of this was that I managed it all. I made lists, I did not rush and stayed focused. Hunter obviously missed his Dad. Ryan was gone longer than usual and his location had a poor internet connection. We had very little contact. Hunter grew tired of looking at stale Ryan pictures at the end of the first week. Hunter and I did the best we could and my best was good enough. 

To celebrate Ryan's return we headed to Paris to meet up with my former boss, Dan, his wife Alison and their son Thomas. It was Hunter's first time out of the country. Although it was freezing in Paris we had a delightful few days sightseeing and spending time with old friends. Definitely Hunter's first trip, but certainly not his last.

Life with Hunter a Year Later

I had a baby last year! Now I have a one year old son. Still have trouble wrapping my head around that fact even when Hunter wakes me up at 0500hrs. I love being a mom and having a career. There are times when it's a struggle to find time in my life for all things I want and need. I have always expected a big life for myself, and the bigger this life gets the harder it is to manage. As always I made a number of resolutions at the beginning of the year. As always I want to read more books and travel to new and favorite places. New to the list was to be more physically active. Hunter gets the blame for me being lazy. It is so nice to say I can't work out because I have to be with him. After a few visits to his day care center and him ignoring me, I realized it is time for me to get back to doing fun things for myself.

Deciding to start cross-country skiing can be intimidating, but calling my friend who is always up to something is super easy. I called Susan and said count me in for whatever you are doing in the next few weeks. Before I could think more about it we were speed walking for 90 minutes twice a week in preparation for our cross-country ski trip on the Austro-Italian border. It has been the longest time since I went on a road trip with the girls. I warned them about my car narcolepsy (I fall asleep quickly in a moving car), and woke up when we got there.

What's that? What about Hunter you say? I left Hunter with his father who has been globetrotting for work most of 2014. I love both of those guys but, I needed a few days of rest and recuperation without either of them. I called a few times to check on them, but the truth is there is not a whole lot of time to talk when you are on solo duty with an infant. Ryan gave me a few updates, but we were both focused on what was in front of us.

I came back from my trip reenergized and ready for Hunter's one year birthday party at school. I ordered cupcakes for him and his friends to celebrate after lunch, but you know that saying about the best laid plans? Well that happened. Hunter was not interested in me or the cupcakes. Perhaps it was the quinoa at lunch that upset him. Whatever it was,he was feeling much better today when we took him over to spend the day with his godmother. Happy one year birthday Hunter!

Mickie McNamara: The Medalist!

Friday was awesome! I was awarded the Achievement Medal from the Department of the Army. When I arrived here four years ago I saw many of my colleagues had medals and plaques on their "I love me" walls. Often when visitors came to my office they said they expected to see framed degrees and medals on my wall. I am not the type to frame and hang degrees. In fact the only framed item I have hanging in a place of prominence is Hunter's first artwork from daycare. He painted the sun with his little fingers.

Hunter's first artwork (Excuse my polka dots in the refection!)

Secretly I longed for a medal of my own. After a few months I was given a certificate of appreciation. I came home pleased with myself. Ryan looked at me and then at the certificate. He said what you want is a certificate of achievement. That's something you can put on your resume. Ryan ends many of his sentences with: "Put that on your resume". I kept those words in mind. Taking on developmental assignments that would get me ready for that achievement certificate.

Earlier this year President Obama announced the Army was going into Liberia to assist with the Ebola crisis. The rest as they say is history. I ended up with the Achievement Medal for my efforts. It did not come with a certificate. I get that later, but my medal sure is pretty.

The Lean in Project

Midway through my pregnancy last year I listened to Sheryl Sandberg's book "Lean In. " It was both inspiring and motivational. In the book Sheryl suggests that given the opportunity women should always sit at the table and lean into the  discussion. Before my pregnancy I had no problem adhering to her advice, but as my pregnancy progressed I was not so quick to head to the table. I was trying to make room in my life for the baby and thought work needed to take a backseat in order to make that happen. The problem was I love my job and I have a solid reputation at work so, even when I didn't grab my seat at the table, my peers and mentors beckoned me to join.

There was a pivotal moment when a when a colleague spoke to me about an upcoming opportunity. There was a job opening up in another division and he told me I should consider applying. We were in my office, and I was guzzling ice water from a thermos. I constantly craved ice water when I was pregnant. As I considered the prospect of a new job,  I wondered how realistic it was for me to make a career move when my baby was due in a few weeks.

Then I thought of Sheryl Sanberg's advice and leaned in. I was not sure I would get the job, or even more daunting, start a new job with a brand new baby, but I knew I would try. I continued to sit at the table and raise my hand during meetings. I stayed actively engaged in my career throughout my pregnancy. When the baby came I took two and half months off work. While I on maternity leave, most of it unpaid, I received a job offer for what can best be described as an incredible stepping stone. It's not my dream job. I want to be careful not to characterize it as that, but it is an important resume builder for the dream job that I know is just around the corner.

With a new job on the horizon I focused on breast feeding which just did not go as well as I hoped. When I got tired of crying over both spilled and unspilled milk. I bought t the best powdered milk I ccould find.

Soon after starting the new job, an opportunity to go to Namibia arose. Namibia is one the places in Africa I am most curious about. I did not lean in on that one.  The baby was still too young to have a mother off in Southern Africa trying to save the world. Other opportunities will present themselves, and if it's right for my family, I'll be there.

When One Door Closes A Window Somewhere Opens

A few months ago a wise friend told me childcare would be an on going issue for years to come. She only said it a few months ago, but this issue has come up many times since she uttered those words. As you all know I had a baby in January. What most of you didn't know is that I have been on the waiting list for day care on post since NOVEMBER. Yes, I was on the waiting list since last year, before the baby was born. Childcare is that serious around here.

With very little hope around I came up with contingency plans. First just the three of us getting to know each other. Then my aunt came for three months during which time Ryan had to go to a class in the States for three weeks. My aunt was leaving in the middle of the three week stretch so Ryan's mom came to help out. We crossed our fingers, went to church, prayed and pleaded with the folks who run the daycare not to forget about us. Approximately halfway through Ryan's mother's visit another dear friend recommended her housekeeper as a nanny. I gave a her try for a few weeks while Ryan's mother was still here. She is great with Hunter, available and willing to be our nanny full time when Ryan's mother left.

Ryan's mother left on Wednesday and on Thursday the day care center called to say that after sitting on top of the waiting list for months a spot opened up. I had 24 hours to make a decision. We maintained our course. We forfeited our spot in favor of the nanny we carefully vetted for two months. Problem solved. I felt pretty good about myself until this morning.

This morning the nanny told me she had bad news. The factory job she had ten years ago wants her to come back to work for them, and she she's sorry but, she loved that job and is leaving. Yes after less than a week she's leaving. She offered her mom and friend as alternatives, but I was so mad I couldn't see straight.

I blurted out the whole sordid tale to my male companions at work, who to their credit listen attentively and offer solid advice most of the time. They strongly encouraged me to run over to the CDC and ask for  my spot back. Full of anxiety and tension, I ran into the director on the way inside. She asked what she could do to help. I was in obvious distress. They checked the roster and they have a spot for my baby. Not one for public displays of affection, I threw my arms around the director's shoulders and exhaled. Then squeezed her tight and sobbed for a few minutes. Yep, all this happened in the lobby. Quite the scene in my six-inch heels and mini dress! This mommy thing is often more than I bargained for in so many ways, but I love how much more expressive I have become. Who knew I could be even more dramatic...

Constant Craving

It feels like I have more decisions to make now that I have a baby to think about. Of course I made decisions before the baby but, now there are so many more. The ones I have to make about Hunter are often challenging. After four months of struggling with breastfeeding I decided to begin the weaning process. He's just not that into to it anymore, and breastfeeding is not one of those things you can force a kid to do. I tried pumping but, the reality is the less time you spend with baby the less milk mom will produce. It's one of those laws of nature.

Other big decisions are on the way. Up next the decision that I will make again and again for the next several years: CHILDCARE. Ryan's mother has been here since April, and my aunt was here before that so Ryan and I have had help almost everyday since we came  home from the hospital. With Gena's scheduled departure quickly approaching we have a few childcare options on the table. Unfortunately Ryan and I do not agree on the same option yet, but I am trying to get him there.

As for the working mom experience, there is a constant craving to quit and stay home with baby. I imagine this feeling will be my constant companion for years to come. Just this Sunday faced with the decision to entrust my child to a stranger, I vividly fantasized about telling my boss I had to quit because I couldn't leave my baby with a babysitter. No matter how I arranged the words in my mouth, they sounded ridiculous coming out. The fact is there are hundreds of thousands of mothers working outside the home and perhaps many more at home raising their childeren. I am not advocating for one or the other. Simply trying to find a way to give my son the best I have to offer through the example I live.

My family can provide more for my son with two incomes, and I want him to grow up with mom that has a career. The jury is still out on which childcare option we will choose, but I know we will make the best decision we can.

My first Mother's Day

The weather has been unpredictable. To sidestep a potential Mother's Day washout, we celebrated Mother's Day yesterday, Saturday May 10. I volunteered to plan the day, and Ryan was so grateful. Planning something special for the two most important women in his life, his mother and I, had him worried.

The three of us went to our favorite restaurant in Venice, La Patatina and then to one of my favorite museums, The Peggy Guggenheim Museum. I went there for the first time in 2009. It is a wonderful little museum in her former home. This was Hunter's first of many visits to a museum.

This morning I took him to church for the first time. He was very calm and interested in all the new sights and sounds. I hope he will continue to find deep comfort in going to church.

The Business of Childbirth

Hunter Patrick McNamara made his grand entrance into the world on Friday, February 24 at the Birthing Center on base. He arrived one day before his due date. I finally stopped working the Tuesday before he was born. I was still panicked about leaving my job, but when I stepped outside my building that Tuesday evening the most beautiful sunset greeted me.  There is nothing in the world quite like an Italian sunset. I took it as a very good omen.

My first day at home on maternity leave was uneventful. I was tired and slept through most of it. The fun started on Thursday. I woke up with an unusual burst of energy. I remembered reading that late pregnancy hormones trigger a boost right before the onset of labor. I knew it would be soon, but I did not know how soon.

I was looking forward to the end of my pregnancy. I was very uncomfortable and the restrictive diet was annoying, but I was also apprehensive about labor even though I opted for the controversial epidural. I ran a few errands on Thursday feeling accomplished. This is where my memory gets blurry. I remember Ryan made hot wings for dinner, then a dream about throwing up said hot wings. I woke up gagging. When I sat up I felt my water break.

Here I can do a bit of myth busting for the uninitiated in the business of childbirth. Apparently as in most things, every woman is different. When my water broke it was not nearly as dramatic as I have seen it portrayed on tv. I expected a water ballon break on concrete from three-story window. My experience was nothing of the sort. It was more like my water began to seep out. Some leakage here..some leakage there. Once the surprise subsided, I noticed the relief.

I called the nurses at the clinic. They said I should take my time to come in because I was not having contractions. We arrived about an hour later. It was 0530 (Army time). After a few hours of nothing happening, the doctors induced me and warned me that I was in for a very long day. Almost as if on cue, my cervix began to dilate. What was supposed to be several hours of hard labor suddenly became two. It was the fastest two hours of my life. The nurses in the room were very excited. They were all telling me to get ready to push.

The moment I feared was upon me, and I was terrified. I told Ryan to call a close friend, and then another close friend who happens to be a Chaplain. Then I started to cry. I was never so afraid of anything in my entire life. I wanted another few weeks to prepare, maybe attend a few more birthing classes, read more about newborns, cribs, etc. The nurses rallied around me, providing assurances that I was ready and that I could do it. Then it was time to push.

Fortunately the epidural worked very well, and after about an hour of pushing, Hunter Patrick McNamara was born. This picture was taken a few days after. And yes, he is incredibly tasty.

My Ongoing Relationship with Work

There are things I absolutely love about my job. Most of all is the sense of purpose and the paycheck it provides. I am having a hard time giving up both, even temporarily. My due date is next Saturday. Most people are surprised to know I am still working,  especially considering the time spent in "lockup." At the end of each OB visit, the Silver Fox, asks, "Are you still working outside the home?" When he asked a few months ago I replied with great pride, "Yes, I work outside the home!" This is probably a good time to describe the typical military lifestyle.

Most American women living in Vicenza are associated with the military base. The majority of them are married to active duty soldiers. Because the Army provides for their basic needs such as housing and utilities, most of them choose not to work. Their age, the average age is 23, lack of work experience and inability to work off the military installation enforce their decision not to seek employment. All this to say most of the American women, even the ones who do not necessarily meet the aforementioned demographic do not work. In this respect I am a bit of an anomaly that I proudly own.

In a recent discussion with my father he summed it succinctly, "I spent too much money on your education to have you waste it." I agree. Then there are those few friends and colleagues who regale me with their tales of working right up to the day they gave birth. The first time I heard a woman say that it sounded crazy, but the more I heard it the more I felt I could join the club, and later felt I should join the club. With just a little over a week left in my pregnancy most people including the Silver Fox are surprised, dismayed even to know I am still working.

The thing is I drive to work and sit at my desk for most of the day. I do not lift or operate heavy machinery. My biggest challenge is walking down the hall to the bathroom, and I have succeeded in getting there every single time. The problem is that some days work can be stressful, and most importantly I am very tired all of the time.

I finally resolved to begin my maternity leave next week, but felt so apprehensive about doing so that convinced myself to come in on Tuesday to wrap things up. I love my job! I don't want to stop working! But I am having my baby soon and I need to get physically as well as emotionally ready. A colleague who had her baby in June asked how my husband feels about me still working. I replied that he is completely aware of who he married. He trusts my judgement to decide when  it is appropriate for me to stop working. He respects and possibly loves my fierce independence. He is not interested in curbing or impeding that. All that being said, next week will be my last week at work until after the baby is here. Yes, I am going back to work after the baby. It is good for the baby to have two working parents. Not only for the financial security, but also to build his own work ethic.