Some Words Are Best Said in My Voice

On Friday, June 24, 2022, the long delayed TEDx Savannah live event was held at the Yamacraw Center for Performing Arts. I love all things TED. It was one of my tethers to the cultural movements at home during the Italian years. There certainly were times I thought I could do a TED talk. Or wouldn't it be fun to do a TED talk, but I never imagined that it would arrive in my grasp, but it did.

The road to TEDx was a winding path of self-discovery, courage and mental toughness. I was a TEDx Savannah volunteer in 2018. It was one the most thrilling experiences of my life. I didn't understand then what moved people to take on such an opportunity for growth. All the work for applause didn't make sense. Things began to shift for me in 2019. I reframed the idea into what my message could mean for others. That my journey and experiences could add value to the lives of others began to take shape. 

That's the boldness of giving a talk such as TED or TEDx. I imagine super famous people are invited to give TED talks, but TEDx is different. As speakers, we decide that our message has value and pursue our chance to get on stage.  

I had a few hurdles to cross to get to that stage. Including a massive panic attack on my way to the most incredible mall in the world, which happens to be located across a massive bridge in Jacksonville, FL. There was also the emcee's email stating I had PTSD, which sent me into a spiral so intense that it altered my speech and my perception to accept that I do in fact have PTSD. Everyone around me knew it accept me. I was repeatedly reminded of that fact as I tried to distance myself from that reality, even in my talk. What a gift to receive. All of those experiences afforded me the opportunity to see myself as deserving of grace, tenderness and love.

The link doesn't go live for another few days. Big TED has to review and approve. Next steps are to allow the rest of this journey to unfold as the universe intends. I allow for things to stay as they are (unlikely) or something fascinatingly better to come into being a new reality.

I Leaned In So Far I Fell Over

Have you ever wanted to change your life? Have you ever had the feeling you were in the wrong place, but only to show you how to get to the right place? If you have then you intuitively understand the intersection of confusion and knowing that I have lived for the last eight years. 

Motherhood is complicated, and first-time motherhood is arduous terrain. A few weeks after my son, who is now eight, was born his Godmother uttered chilling words I will never forget, "From now on your life will be dominated by the search for efficient and safe childcare." The joy and satisfaction I had holding my son after I survived 14 hours of labor leeched out through one of the folds in his blanket. Her words hit me at me at my weak spots. Between the two of us Ryan and I have five healthy parents. That's plenty of hands to go around! However, as days turned to weeks, months and years, I found the reliance on family for childcare was a pipedream. Compounded by the fact that we lived halfway across the world in Italy when Hunter was born, it dawned on me that Hunter's Godmother was prescient. 

I viewed my career as an essential part of my identity. Independence is a requisite component to my happiness. It was why I worked so hard to graduate from college and grad school and secure a career. I could not, should not give that up to RAISE A BABY. EVER. No one I knew did this. My peers hired nannies or seemed to have a mythical set up that ensured their offspring were always cared for no matter what. What happened next in my journey was a surprise. 

My resourceful nature was key to balancing motherhood and career. My aunt stayed with us for the first three months after I gave birth. Then Ryan's mother for three months after that. By then Hunter was ready for daycare. I cried that first day at drop off but prioritized getting back to work. I needed my identity to be tied to my career. The alternative title, MOM, more precisely STAY-AT-HOME MOM terrified me. Waitlist navigation became an essential part of my existence. When the list for daycare, preschool, kindergarten and later specialized elementary schools opened, closed and how many were on the list dominated my life. 

One of us, typically Ryan, travels a few times a month. I juggled childcare needs and stuffed down any sense of guilt that tried to make its way to the surface. The juggling act was trickier Stateside. Although closer to family, they weren't as willing or available to us as we had hoped. 

Most unfortunately, I became determined to prove I could do it all. Buoyed by Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In, I continued to push for a defining career worthy of my experience, education and talent. I needed to be challenged and respected at work. I pushed, networked and applied until I got as close to my previous high-powered roles as I could. When I finally arrived at my cube back in Corporate America a sense of unease slowly began to creep over me like slug on the concrete after a humid spring rain. The title was impressive inside the organization, although coordinator had an administrative ring to my seasoned ear. The pay was better than any other since my arrival, but below my worth. 

I tried to treat Ryan's schedule as a minor inconvenience (he travels two to six months out of the year). An event to be managed. Something to be worked around. I reveled in the idea that everyone was looking at me marveling at how I got it all done. "Isn't she amazing.," I hoped they whispered as they closed their eyes before bed. This was cold comfort as the pandemic forced me to re-evaluate what matters most. Until next time on The Cat Who Swallowed the Canary.

Here's What I Watched in 2021

Have you been watching all the things on television? I have tried, but there is so much "must watch" tv and so many different platforms I have to put in as much energy into watching TV as I do at my job. It's a confusing time for so many reasons and watching tv should not be. Here's what I watched and loved in 2021:

1. Succession is an HBO show about a ruthless media magnate, (Is there any other kind?) Logan Roy, who built his empire and a family to fear and work hard for his affection. Creating insecure minions and children that hope to one day inherit the business in the process. Of the three siblings I was drawn to Siobhan. A stylish political operative with a good heart. She seemed like the obvious choice as the successor, but as the series develops, we learn that Siobhan is more like her father and brothers than she led us to believe!

2. The Mandolorian is a member of the Star Wars universe, of which I am not well-versed. However, you don't need to be a fan of the George Lucas phenomenon to fall for the ubiquitous BABY YODA. Like animals and infants, he is nonverbal. All his emotion is revealed through the giant eyes in his wrinkled, green face. The first season is good, clean fun, with action and adventure galore. By the time the second season finale comes around you'll be (1) wondering how they were able to keep that secret; (2) thanking whatever magic makes CGI work and; (3) looking forward to seeing Mr. Pascal in more stuff.

3. Star Trek Discovery is the Star Trek little Black girls have been waiting for our whole lives. The first in the series from the perspective one of the ship's officers instead of the Captain. There's an important Vulcan storyline that will leave you gasping for air. Most importantly there's Sonequa Martin who is reminding us to trust ourselves more than anything else each time she is on screen. 

4. Sense 8 is a Netflix show by the Wachowski sisters that I ignored for years. There was a lot of talk about it, but nothing about it resonated with me. A close friend encouraged me to get past the first few episodes and IGNORE the Daryl Hannah character altogether, and instead focus on the broader international themes, diversity and relationships. Once I did that, I was in love with the story of human connection, love, sex and adventure. 

5. The Expanse in a space odyssey. I don't get to use the word odyssey enough. The Expanse is well, expansive. It begins with a missing woman and a quirky detective hundreds of years in the future, but as the final episode of the sixth season approaches, we find our characters at the far reaches of the universe fighting each other for survival against an unknown foe. 

This list is by no means exhaustive. Admiral mentions goes to What We Do in the Shadows, The Mayans, and Pose.

Here's What I Read in 2021

I have tried different methods of expression in this space. One year I posted every day for the final days of the year. It was fun and an excellent way to send off the year. I have been thinking about posting every day for the first five days of the year to see what follows but, I am not securely attached to the concept just yet. For now, let's dig into what distracted me from my work and childrearing.

Here's my top five books of 2021 in a very particular order of preference:

1. The Book of Longings: A Novel by Sue Monk Kidd

I could go on ad nauseum about this book but believe me it is better to savor the beauty of it with your own eyeballs and heart. It's a deep meditation on the nature of self-confidence, motherhood and history. It is the book I didn't know I needed. I look forward to reading more Sue Monk Kidd. 

2. The Hemingses of Monticello: An American Family by Annette Gordon-Reed

Annette Gordon-Reed won the 2008 Pulitzer for History and the National Book Award for Nonfiction for this. She thoroughly researched four generations of the African American Hemings family from their African and Virginian origins until the death of Thomas Jefferson their master and the father of Sally Hemings' children. But this book is so much more than that. It's also about the origins of slavery in this country and the structure of racism revealing the stark truth that race is a social construct.

3. Both/And: A Life in Many Worlds by Huma Abedin

Yes, you know Huma. Not to be confused with Amal Clooney British-Lebanese attorney who is married to George Clooney. Huma is an American political operative (aspiring politician?) with Indian and Pakistani heritage that is famous for working with Hillary Clinton and her marriage to disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner. Her exotic looks, eclectic background and ability to stay below the radar made this a thirst quenching read. How did she create such an extraordinary career? Why did she marry and stay married to that guy? She answered all the questions with compassion, grace and vulnerability.

4. This Tender Land by William Kent Krueger

A colleague at my office handed me this book and said read it. I work with engineers, a very smart lot. It is very common for folks to drop books on my desk with one word: READ. This was a difficult novel to get into. It's about a little white boy growing up in one of the Native American conversion schools during the Depression era that have been in the news recently. It's gritty, grueling subject matter. Racism, physical and sexual abuse of MINORS, family secrets and tragedies. Not the sort of book I thought a middle-aged lady at my office would hand me with strong insistence I should read. I trudged through the first several chapters asking myself why this book written, why did Debbie recommend it, and why to me. I also wondered why she liked it. Once you have a child, consuming art that puts children in harm's way can be a harrowing experience. Then one day Albert gets bit by a snake, and everything comes into sharp focus, and you don't want the story to end. 

5. The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

Another book plopped on my desk with instructions to read. This one is about 30-something Nora whose life is filled with disappointment and regret. Feeling rudderless, useless and unaccomplished she tries to commit suicide. Gawd have his mercy. I gave this book, and Candice the side-eye for leaving it on my desk. WTH is this depressing, morose British novel doing on my desk I wondered. My boss also recommended this book, so I got started and WOW! It's about the paths not taken. It's about infinite possibilities. It's about never giving up because success is often just around the bend.

Next time on the Cat Who Swallowed the Canary: What I watched 2021

My Pay-It-Forward Mocha

During my Italian years I didn't drink much coffee. I kept my caffeine intake mostly to a minimum. Don't get me wrong, I could be seen sipping capuccini as a mid-morning pick me up a few times a week as well as indulging in the occasional after dinner espresso. The thing is the coffee in Italy is strong and would often keep me up at night if I had drank it too late in the morning. 

Back stateside, I opt for the Starbucks Hibiscus tea. It's light, refreshing and reminds of something my Guyanese parents call sorrel. To my grave dismay, hibiscus tea is almost impossible to come by during a pandemic. Enjoying a Starbucks beverage with friends and colleagues has become an American pastime. It's become a crucial element to the work-life balance construct. 

With the shortage of hibiscus tea, I opted for the ubiquitous mocha Frappuccino with a Fox Cake Pop as my go to Starbucks order. I don't crave either of these as much as they have become something I do. That all changed last week.

I live in a booming area of the Southeast. In the four years that I have lived in Savannah, we have seen new projects such as a hospital, a major supermarket, two gas stations and two exclusive apartment complexes, one with a salt water pool, arrive. Rumors were rampant about Starbucks' arrival. That day came approximately one month ago.

I established a routine a few months ago that included a workout at the YMCA followed by a mocha Frappuccino at a local cafe. Feeling proud to support a local business, I went back every week after my workout. I decided to shake it up a bit last week by stopping at the newly opened Starbucks. I ordered my standard mocha Frappuccino and Fox Pop. With my credit card at the ready, I approached the window to pay. That's when having a Starbucks beverage transitioned from a having a routine caffeinated beverage to a deeply satisfying experience that lit up my prefrontal cortex. 

When I approached the window to pay, the Starbucks associate let me know that the customer before me PAID FOR MY ORDER. She was giddy. I thought I misheard her, but I hadn't. The car before me paid for my order. Bewildered, I asked if this was a "thing". I had heard about pay-it-forward scenarios, but had never been intimately involved. She confirmed that for the last few minutes customers were paying for the cars behind them. I became giddy as well, and paid for the car behind me, which by the way, was less than my order.

That was the best mocha Frappuccino I ever had. It has become almost impossible to drive by that Starbucks without stopping. Clever marketing ploy or delightful happenstance? I may never know. What I do know is it felt euphoric paying it forward!

 

That time I got the COVID-19 vaccine was the worst...

I woke up sexy AF again. Last time on TCWSTC I was recovering from the second dose of the most expensive vaccine in history. Remember that? Well, I can't forget it. I have a great reason for keeping it fresh in my memory. I said I was on the mend but, I was sick for another TWO WEEKS. I had most if not all of the side effects for two weeks. I couldn't eat. I had no appetite. The sight of food made me nauseous. Inside my mouth everything tasted like ash or like I had been chewing it forever and still couldn't swallow. I had brain fog. I couldn't remember basics like how to talk. My thoughts came slowly. Searching my brain for words and concepts was a strangeness I disliked. I was also emotional because I didn't want folks to worry. I put on a brave face at work but, thought I was dying slowly every day for two whole weeks. I'm not altogether sure how I survived it. I had neighbors help one afternoon when I was too sick to drive to pick Hunter up from the YMCA. Then I forgot I asked her to help and wondered out to the driveway in my pajamas. 

sick but alive

I did the best I could for two weeks, which fortunately was good enough to take care of me and Hunter. According to some anecdotal research, my response is typical if you had COVID previously. Insert eyeball emoji here. There was the trip to Amelia Island in early February last year before things got crazy that I got sick. Not much of a cough, but most of the other symptoms. It was still too early to think it was seriously COVID, but it does make sense of how hard the side effects hit me. 

Thankfully, I had a full and robust recovery. Things are back to normal here. Traffic is everywhere. Most people have stopped wearing masks and those floor stickers warning us to stay six feet apart are finally gone. Sometimes there are specific food shortages at the supermarket. Apparently, cat food is a low priority for manufacturers, and gas prices are steadily creeping up. Things are certainly in recovery. We are in a much better place than we were this time last year. The delta variant may be cause for the return to hypervigilance, but as always taking it one day at a time. 

This Whole Time I Just Needed Tylenol

The Covid-19 virus has presented opportunities for growth everywhere. Some call them challenges. Others refer to them as "fucked up shit". I have weathered the storms with best of them, but I spent last night in a place I call the dark night of the soul.

As is customary on this blog my course of vaccinations were not without a healthy dose of drama. In this case perhaps too much drama. My first dose of the Moderna vaccine was approximately one month ago. My allergist contacted to me to say my asthma qualified me to get my first shot. Up until that moment I was unsure if I wanted the vaccine. High falutin' ideas such as "heard immunity" and  "I'll wait and see how it goes" made me feel safe-ish. But when I got that call images of me frolicking in the west village, and parading down Eastern Parkway as I made my way to the Brooklyn Museum flooded my consciousness and I said yes please.

Yet, when the day arrived my needle phobia crept in. How bad is going to hurt? My inside voice replied, "Bad, really bad. It will be worse that vaginal childbirth that one time in north Italy just outside of Venice. This time without the epidural." I shuddered at the thought. I held fast to my visions of frolic and parades. I kept my arm loose as I caught sight of the syringe. The reality that I was about to receive the most expensive vaccine in history, and had the privilege to ponder if I should take it washed over me. It was over before I had time to think much more about it.

A month later I headed back to receive my second dose. I was not feeling well. We have had a spate of dry weather here and my allergy symptoms were severe. When I arrived I asked if I should postpone since I was already not feeling well. The nurse assured me that once I did not have a fever I was fine to proceed with my second dose. Disappointed I shuffled into the room where I waited. So much has been said about the second dose producing a "robust" reaction. I was concerned, and thought about leaving, but I stayed.

This needle I felt. I also felt liquid dripping down my arm. The nurse asked if I was on blood thinners. I'm not, but I have been taking Tylenol for my allergy induced headache. She explained that Tylenol can act as a blood thinner. As blood sprayed and streamed out of my arm I thought of all the times I needed to give blood and it never came. This whole time I just needed Tylenol.

She applied two band-aids and cleaned my arm up and the rest of the room that resembled a small crime scene. I waited the allotted 15 minutes then headed home. I awoke the next morning feeling a bit foggy. By the time I made it to the office the next day I had body aches. At home I had teeth chattering chills, and deep bone aches. My chest burned and then got heavy. My eyes were dry and gritty. My stomach was wracked with pains I don't have words for. I contemplated calling 911 when my chest got heavy, but I waited it out as I tried to manifest an oxygen mask. I drifted between wake and sleep and at 3:40 am I exploded into a cold sweat. I woke up, dried off, and slowly began to join the ranks of the living. I worked a full day. Not much of an appetite, but certainly on the mend.