Woman on the Verge

My work from home situation

For weeks as the impact of the pandemic spread through our lives, I wondered what was next. I did my best to live in the moment as the media onslaught seemed to threaten our existence on the planet. I adjusted to working from home and homeschooling, but as my professional responsibilities ramped up, I began to feel the pressure. How to care for my son, work 40+ hours a week and manage to eat and sleep? With a key element in my support system in NYC dealing with a prolonged cough and nationwide restrictions, I found myself increasingly overwhelmed. My son's every need rested squarely on my shoulders. I felt the weight of it deep in my heart. Long accustomed to "handling" difficult situations well, I began to feel torn between motherhood and career with renewed intensity.

We are all coping with COVID-19 in various ways. Each of us in our private circumstance, but the minute we compare our situation to that of others, we have slipped into despair. Comparing our insides to the outsides of others is not only a waste of time. It is also irrational behavior that we all engage in from time to time. It is normal to have the thought, but it's important to let the energy of the thought pass through you as quickly as possible.

I was having trouble doing that. I was comparing and despairing that others were having an easier time managing their time and stress level. When I finally snapped out of it I remembered the best advice I can I take is my own. My son needed me. He is a social creature. The abrupt end to the social engagement of school, and a wildly disrupted routine was taking its toll. The school district offered one hour Zoom calls, but they did little to stem the tide of boredom and loneliness.  

When our children are not well, we are not well. As I sunk into this awareness I also began to speak up. I shared my list of anxieties with my virtual book group: The Cheetahs. They showed me enormous compassion and kindness, and I began to think clearly. Finally.

I had a few conversations with my boss and our HR Director. I chose to step back from work for a period of time. Two weeks to spend with Hunter, and two weeks part-time. Enough time to get him moving outside in the sunshine. Shower him with affection. Spend lots of time making eye contact with him and assuring him that we are safe. Yes our routines are disrupted but, I remind him often that we have each other. We take it one step at time and recognize that this is all temporary. We have started a gratitude practice. We document on paper all the things we are thankful for especially when we get down. 

Summer camp begins on Monday, June 1. It will mark my return to fulltime work. This time with my son has been an amazing experience. He teaches me patience in ways that are new and often challenging. I am excited for this next chapter. I look forward with optimism to the opportunities for growth that are ahead. 

A TEDx Talk Deferred...

Last time on The Cat Who Swallowed the Canary I was gushing about my only in my wildest dreams opportunity to give a TEDx Savannah talk. I was beside myself with pride and joy when things began to take a subtle turn into what I am calling the unstable unknown.

It began in early March. Glennon Doyle released her third book in her memoir series, Untamed. To say that I was looking forward to this third installment is an understatement. I listened to the second in the series via audiobook with rapt attention after Oprah named it to her book club in 2016. I had not read that kind of raw honesty that managed to inspire while it shocked me since Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I could not stop thinking about Glennon's meticulously chronicled life and in particular her exploding marriage.

Then suddenly she met Abby Wambach and in quick succession dating and marriage. It was a lot to happen to someone who I thought I knew and understood. I was more curious than ever about Glennon. I thought she and Craig were working it out, but when she described what their sex life was like after she discovered he had been cheating on her for years, I was not altogether sure how they could move forward. Turns out they could not move forward, at least not as husband and wife.

I am not ashamed to admit that I am a Glennon groupie. I am a devoted follower on the Gram. So when she asked that we pre-order her third book I did. That allowed me to get have the book within day of the release delivered to my home. There was a book signing in New York that I hoped to attend but, my TEDx photo shoot was scheduled for the same day.

I highlighted my way through most the book within a few days. Savoring every detail especially that parts of her burgeoning romance will Abby. The book challenges women to put themselves first and let the rest burn, which is a radical concept because women are more often coaxed and cajoled to put themselves last. Placing the needs of their children, husbands and other obligations before their own. Here Glennon advocated revolt against all that. Focus on self and let the rest burn. Radical thoughts indeed.

When the book concluded, I was revved up with no place to go. I was finding my way back to a book that sparked the first revolution of my adulthood: The Celestine Prophecy. I recalled there were some sequels to it and began to look for them. Instead, a deep red background with gold lettering appeared in my suggestions feed: Mary Magdalene Revealed. It stopped me in my scrolling. This book called out to me in a familiar voice that I wanted to learn more about.

Within a few days I found myself besotted. It was moving, expansive and inspiring. The book is about the nature of love and the rightful place of the feminine in Christianity. It reveals what has been hidden from us.

As I sat fully immersed in the wisdom of the author, I was also working on the meat of my TEDx Talk. My talk is about authenticity and the only path to it is vulnerability. Both Untamed and Mary Magdalene were full of instructions of how to express those concepts. I was living inside my inspiration. I was eager to extol the joy of my self discovery when COVID-19 began to work its way into all of our lives.

The call came during my daily walk. It was one of the TEDx organizers. He called to say the event was being postponed. That was expected in light of the daily developments. He went on though. The event was postponed until next year. That last detail left me reeling, but I quickly saw the reality of the situation. The virus was only beginning to affect every part of our lives.

I am a Tedx Savannah 2020 Speaker

Me volunteering at TEDx 2 years ago

Seven years in Italy is a long time. It was a wonderful, most of the time. I am even grateful for the times when I wasn't living the dream. Now that I am back and just celebrated my third anniversary in Savannah I happy to report I am getting the hang of living in America again. I have fully reintegrated into American society. What does that mean? How is that different from say last year or the year before?
so glad that you asked. Last year and certainly the year before I felt very much the outsider with my nose pressed again the window looking in fogging it with my mouth breathing. I felt keenly out of touch with nature of how things move and work here. The rhythm of the language, the decrease in the number of seasons and the skittish, but sometimes rogue wildlife all took some getting used to.

Let's begin with the seasons. In NYC and Vicenza there are four seasons. Yes, yes, climate change has made them shorter and more extreme but there are four of them. Here in Savannah not so much. There are two seasons not so hot and too hot. Next is the accent. Once so strange to my to my ear. Who am I kidding? The southern accent is still unfamiliar to my ear, but there are some idiomatic expressions that are unique and helpful. More than once I have had the urge to us "y'all" instead of the plural you. It just fit the situation. I always forgo the urge and use something more natural to my natural way of speaking and say "you guys" or "hey". But my all time fave is: "It bees like that sometimes". Oh it is such a wonderful expression, and I get tremendous use out of it. Here it is in action: I went to that new comfort food restaurant. The food was delicious, but they got my order wrong and the service made me fee like I interrupted the server's lunch break. "It bees like that sometimes" is the perfect response.

I saved the best for last. The skittish yet oftentimes bold wildlife around here is a mystery and a delight. There is a gaggle of geese that commandeer the streets whenever they damn well please. There are easily 50 or more gees that will parade down the street here and we all know to get out their way when we see them coming. We had to rescue a turtle once, build a barrier to keep an armadillo out of the yard and finally deer can be seen grazing in the grassy areas of the sidewalks in front of the houses in my neighborhood.

In spite of the unusual challenges I have made incredible headway. Two years a go I volunteered at TEDx Savannah. First I created a role for myself that didn't exist, which allowed me to interact with all the speakers and organizers. Then I was invited to come back the second year to assist one of the organizers and this year I will be a speaker. Terry, my Toastmaster mentor has been gung ho about being a TEDx presenter for as long as I have known her. She believed the round of applause at the end of her talk would enrich her life and take her to heights yet unknown. I don't crave the approval of people I don't know. Instead I long for the approval of the people I do know.

However, I am learning that the only approval I truly need is my own. It is taking some time to get used to that idea but, I am on my way.

The Golden Age of Television Blazes On

The cast of All American

It's been a minute since I wrote about TV. I have been too busy out here living that life! But, there are a few months in Savannah that can be considered winter. Those months are December, January and February. And even those three months are mild considered the winters in northern Italy and Brooklyn, NY. Here the temperatures dip just below 50 degrees for a few hours before finding their equilibrium at low to mid 60s. Even with the mild weather I am spending less time outdoors and more time reading, watching tv or scrolling through Instagram. This month I discovered two gems. The first, All American, was a fluke. I read about the show in an article about the female character Bre Z, formerly of Empire fame. I tuned in out of curiosity, but stayed for the compelling storyline. The show is based on the true story of former NFL player Spencer Paysinger. It delves into his inspirational story of growing up in the rough neighborhood of Crenshaw and moving to Beverly Hills to play high school football. Think of it as a mash up of Beverly Hills 90210 and Boyz in the Hood.  I cried during approximately half of the 16 episodes. Granted I was pmsing for some of those, but I standby the emotional validity of those tears. I found myself cheering for the Beverly Hills High football team, and I don't know much about football. In fact I didn't even watch the Super Bowl! Once you get past the fact that these kids look nothing like I did in high school you are in for a treat. Take my advice keep the tissues close.

As you may or may not know I intended to BE Diana Ross when I grew up, but as it turns out I don't have a very good singing voice, contacts in the music or metaphysical world. I needed the later because there already is a Diana Ross and I can only replace her with magic or alchemy. Once I got over that, I wanted very much to be her daughter Tracy. That did not go quite as planned either. Next up Zoe Kravitz. I was obsessed with Denise Huxtable on the Cosby Show. I had never seen someone like her on tv or anywhere else. She was the epitome of cool. Now all these years later her daughter Zoe has turned the movie High Fidelity on its head. Zoe is in the lead role and she has that same strong sparkle that Lisa Bonet has on screen perhaps an even stronger sparkle. She shines in Big Little Lies but, in High Fidelity she is open and vulnerable and yet as mysterious and captivating as her mother was in the original.

It is refreshing to see Zoe break out of her shell and express a full range of emotions. It's what I have always wanted for her. Well that and to be her of course.

The 2019 Round Up

Turkey legs are a thing at Magic Kingdom

Although we are securely in 2020 I feel a 2019 roundup is necessary because it was such an amazing year. I found my footing in Savannah, both professionally and personally. To be sure there were challenges, but the rewards were better than I could have imagined, and I am grateful for all in equal measure. 

The highlights of the year were easily the Xena Retreat and the new job. To have one of those happen in the year would have been amazing. Instead I had the opportunity to spend three days immersed in my favorite television show and meet other women more obsessed than I am with Xena. Then when the timing was just right an amazing job opportunity plucked me out of obscurity. And just like that I was back in the corporate game. It is not the most exciting job, but it is in my field, near the house and I have enough flexibility to have lunch with Hunter once a week.  

We had dear friends from Italy spend the holidays with us. We took a quick trip to Orlando and spent a few fun filled days at Disney and Cape Canaveral. It was exhilarating to have a piece of my Italian life here with me in Savannah. 

I also chose to work with a life and business coach this year. I met Samantha almost immediately after my arrival in Savannah via Meetup. All the chaos you have likely heard about in the news is true, but the folks holding down the the fort at WeWork and are keeping the Meetup.com social networking platform alive, but I digress. I attended a few of Samantha's events and we soon became friends. She introduced me to a few other women online and a few others in Savannah as well. I watched the people she surrounded herself with grow, change and become more. Of what you may ask? More of who they are. 

It began to dawn on me that I had an unmooring after Italy. Seven years away from friends and family can do that to girl from time-to-time. With new adjectives and roles in my life I often felt adrift. I am American but, there are still a great many cultural obsessions that I missed out on and often don't relate to here. Memes, gifs., and a few Microsoft word shortcuts to name a few.

Let's welcome Samantha to the performance area that is my life. Although we are friends I wanted to change that relationship into something of a more professional nature. I had never done anything like that before. Your therapist can never be your friend. Same as professors, well perhaps professors can become your friend. That is a story for another day. Today we are discussing my decision to hire my friend as a business and life coach. 

When I approached Samantha with the idea she was surprised. She knew I had a business  idea I was trying to get off the ground. I had attended a few online workshops with her for that, but then I realized I needed to do some inner work to fix a vibrational issue. I knew she could help with that too. I was very clear with her: I want to vibrate higher and I think you can help me do that.  

We agreed to 12 sessions over the course of seven of the best months of my life. All of our sessions were online and recorded so that I could view them later if I needed (I have not needed.) She gave me books to read, The Four Agreements. Videos to watch, The Circle of Influence. There was even homework.

I was racing to work after dropping my son off at school one morning. A police officer stopped me for going 62 mph in a 55 mph zone. He let me off with a warning but, the traffic stop scared me half to death. Traffic stops gone wrong are allover the news and social media. Samantha helped me to pull apart all the fear and anxiety around the traffic stop. In some of our sessions we tackled 9/11, but mostly importantly she helped me regain the inner confidence I lost after a bout with postpartum depression and the house fire in Italy. There is always more work to be done, but the work I put in last year has set me up for a terrific 2020. 

A Lesson in Forgiveness

I love podcasts! I listen to several a week on average. I was an early adopter of the audio content genre, latching on in the early 2000s. Back then most of the content was news. Then came audiobooks and finally serialized content via iTunes, Spotify, Earwolf  to name a few. Mostly I have stuck to iTunes and recently reverted back to engagement with physical books.

Last year, a dear friend gave me a physical book. I was alarmed in a fashion reminiscent of the idea of tap water being compared to toilet water in the hilarious film Idiocracy. (In the movie drinking anything but flavored drinks replete with electrolytes was unheard of.) At that point I had not read a physical book in years. In Italy, especially after Hunter was born I enjoyed the hands free option to consume content. Back then I believed one had not lived a full life without the joy of having Junot Diaz narrate his marvelous book This Is How You Lose Her. When I found audio version of The Color Purple read by Alice Walker I became ritualistic about listening to my favorite parts over and over again. I set lofty goals every year to listen to 10, then 15 and finally 25 books a year. I love to set and reach my goals; and this was especially rewarding.

Suddenly last year as the Savannah mornings grew crisp, and the nights became longer I found the time to peel open the pages of the physical book my friend gave to me. Dear reader the book's title The Summer We Got Free and author were not on my radar. The book itself although interesting, paled in comparison to the experience of setting time aside  to read a book with my own eyes. It meant doing something for just me. This little book and the modest gesture marked the beginning of my transition from a human doing to a human being. 

I have said it before and it bears repeating: motherhood is hard! Reading physical books while raising a child under the age of 10 is a luxury I did not make time for in my days or nights. I stuck to audio. And let's be honest I listened while scrolling through Instagram before bed or first thing in the morning when I had a few moments to myself. Then this book came into my life and I wondered where..how I would ever fit it into my routine. There wasn't time, or was there?

In a surprise to myself I made the time, and welcomed physical books back into my life. The best part of my new existence as a human being vs. a human doing is the acceptance of doing what I actually want instead of what I think is expected. I began to mix things up this year expanding the genre of podcasts I listen to when I am not reading in the free time I intentionally create for myself. While scrolling through my Instagram I saw a video clip of Jay Shetty on "Ellen". I hit the subscribe button for the Jay Shetty podcast and had episodes quickly added to my feed. He had a variety of guests Lala Anthony, Gisele Bundchen and Brian Grazer to name a few. I noticed Kobe Bryant was on the list of guests. 

Once upon a time in the mid-90s I was a Kobe fan. He skipped college and went directly to the NBA after graduating from high school. I had recently graduated from college and was in the throes of finding my way back to Rome, Italy after spending a semester there in my junior year. Kobe's father moved the family to a town outside of Rome while he played for an Italian league when Kobe was six years old. He learned to speak Italian, thrived in Italy and earned a place in my heart. 

Then in 2003 he was accused of sexual assault. The 19 year-old survivor refused to testify in the trial and the case was dropped. Kobe had this to say about the incident: "Although I truly believe this encounter between us was consensual, I recognize now that she did not and does not view this incident the same way I did. After months of reviewing discovery, listening to her attorney, and even her testimony in person, I now understand how she feels that she did not consent to this encounter." The accuser filed a separate civil lawsuit against Bryant, which the two sides settled privately.

Unfortunately his apology didn't cut it for me, and I exited stage left from the Kobe fan club. I avoided his Jay Shetty episode for the first few weeks. Then one day I determined I was missing out on hearing about his content creation company. It occurred to me that it took more energy to avoid him than to forgive him for something he apologized and paid for 16 years ago. Perhaps it was time to forgive him and myself to experience the message that was coming through him. 

I knew his short film Dear Basketball won an Oscar last year, but the title eluded my interest. Then trusting Jay Shetty, I hit play. That was my big lesson in forgiveness this year. Holding on to his mistake kept me from the joy of his success all these years. 

He is the father of four girls who are all athletes. Kobe believes sports are the ultimate metaphor for life, and he is highly articulate in spreading the message of sports, confidence and parenting. He is a strategic thinker who emphasizes process over results and the journey over the destination. Kobe breaks down the creative process, how to develop compelling characters and how he came to develop his production company. 

None of us are perfect, but all of us have something to say. We will never agree with what everyone has to say or how they chose to live. I used to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Now I take what serves me and leave the rest. 

If You Ask for What You Want, There Is a Good Chance You Will Get It

A brief description of EMDR

Over the years this little space I created to help my friends and family stay in touch with my comings and goings became a place for me to express my thoughts, hopes and some fears. In the last days of 2018 I used it to push through the end of the year with a flourish of consistency. I am beginning that practice earlier this year. I intend to post more frequently to close out 2019 strong. After all we start a whole new decade in a few short months.

And what a year 2019 has been. Since my previous post I landed a dream job at a local engineering firm. In fact it is one of the most prestigious engineering firms in the region. It came as a bit of a surprise to me a few months ago when a cursory glance at my calendar indicated that September 11 would fall on Wednesday. The job was still quite new and taking off so soon into my tenure seemed like one of the least favorable action steps I could take. Still I wondered if the alternative, going to work, was the best option available to me. Eventually, it became less of choice. A big presentation was due on Wednesday, September 11 at my new job.

As you may recall or if you are new to this space, I worked in WTC 2 and was directly outside of the building when the second plane crashed into the building and exploded. Being overseas for the last seven years both helped and hindered my healing from the horror I saw that day. On the one hand I was far removed from the memories and triggers of the day. On the other hand I was isolated because I chose not share the information. In Italy there were commemorations of course. I even tried to participate once only to realize the trauma was still very raw for me. This year was the first time I was in a new environment in the US with many variables outside of my control. The day did not go well for me. I was plagued by worry, fear and flashbacks. I controlled what I could. I asked my new boss to send an email asking for discretion around the topic because there was a survivor at the firm. I also asked that she not mention it was me. Not everyone got the email. It was a tough day. I called a close friend who put a name to what was happening to me: PTSD.

I was doubtful of her professional diagnosis at first (she is a licensed clinical practioner), but I trust her. All I could articulate was that I felt unsafe inside my own body. I wanted to be free of that fear. In that moment I surrendered. I let go of holding onto myself and reached out for help. My friend recommended EMDR, a form of psychotherapy used to treat PTSD. It is quite popular in military populations, and I have had exposure to it as a result. I did not think I had PTSD and never thought EMDR was something I would benefit from in my particular circumstance.

Frankly it was a lot to process quickly: (1) I have PTSD and (2) I need to go to therapy for something that happened in 2001. I often compared myself to the people who lost their lives, loved ones or their health that day. I suffered no such losses and therefore felt less deserving of healing. As I began to process those thoughts I came to see their disorganization and the need for reorganization.

I had my fourth session today. It is weird after all this time to speak about 9/11in the present tense. Namely because it was almost 20 years ago, and I am a vastly different type of human now. I am a recovering human doing. I have transitioned to a human being. That's a little something I learned in my sessions.

I also have a busy life and wondered if it was wise, necessary or important enough to make space for it. I had concerns about bringing this to the forefront of my life. This type of work is unsettling, but I decided to move forward with caution. It has been a challenge, but deeply and powerfully rewarding. Areas of my life long siloed are reintegrating into the whole again. The memories are intense, the connections are vibrant and exhilarating. Most of all I am learning that asking for help gets you the thing you want. And we are all deserving of that.