When my eyes are open, and I mean all the way open I encounter inspiration everywhere. And by open I mean being present in the moment. I have been working at this for a few years and I am still a novice. I still plan as far out as I can and panic if I do not have anything in my planner at least two months ahead. I am a control freak and planning provides the much needed illusion that I have control over what happens in my environment. I have made incremental progress in dismantling this thought process, but I still have a long way to go. I have been practicing the art of letting go and accepting what is. No easy feat for an anxiety prone, control obsessed, introverted extrovert. We all have our challenges, and like hard work at the gym I am beginning to see the fruits of my labor.
I have a cohort of neighbors that meet every Sunday. Some of us go to the same church and others just live in the neighborhood. We meet to discuss our week, the challenges we face and we pray for guidance and strength to overcome them. We also practice the fine art of gratitude. We discuss all we have and give thanks with the expectation of what we will receive. Sometimes the discussions go deep extending into spiritual warfare, premonitions and the gift of hindsight. It is that kind of group.
The group has three other moms. They seemed comfortable in their roles as wife and mother being a priority in their lives. Careers are important to them but, not the driving force of their lives. Meanwhile I felt as if my entire identity was crumbling as I struggled with my job search. The stay-at-home moniker hung over my head like a dark rain cloud holding heavy with water threatening to beat me into the pavement. I held this panic tight in my chest until one day I expressed this fear out loud to the group. I was embarrassed but, also worried I would insult my friends. They empathized with my struggle, and encouraged me to let go of the vision that raising my son and taking care of my family was less worthy work. Turns out I was the only one judging myself. When I stopped judging I had more energy to focus on a solution. A solution that would meet my needs as a sometimes single parent when Ryan deploys.
I stopped worrying about my CAREER. I kept searching, but with less desperation in my heart. I used this blog, my meet up group, Toastmasters and volunteering at events I am interested in to refocus on what makes me feel alive. Ironically the more extracurricular events I participated in, the more energy and passion I had for my family.
During one of our Sunday meetings one of the moms with older kids asked for my resume. She circulated it among her friends who it turns out are a who's who of Savannah. I started getting calls asking what kind of work I was interested in because my resume states I can do almost anything. Flattered, but not exactly happy because it had been a year and no serious job offers. Then on a whim my friend mentioned me to her CEO. He and I chatted one day on my way home from school. Honestly, I was not well prepared for the call. I was driving home from school and therefore exhausted. We agreed to meet in a few days.
I was better prepared for the meeting at his office. I understood his business and had intel about the recently vacated marketing position. The goal going into the meeting was to secure a full time position. Figure out childcare later. I was reciting this in my head as the CEO said he did not consider me for the marketing position. I almost missed it because I was not paying attention. I was not in the moment. I took a few solid deep breaths and looked around the room with new eyes. I realized I was not there to ask him to hire me. There was something bigger and better in store for me.
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