The unknown future rolls towards us

I am not feeling especially inspired today. In fact this week I felt discouraged. As I sat in my discontent I thought about my goal to write more blog posts, and not just when I feel energized. What if I used this outlet when I am not feeling great to inspire me. If writing about feeling great made me feel even better, it should follow that a blog post could serve as a little pick me up.

Why the feeling of discontent? To be perfectly honest I feel powerless about tomorrow, the last day of 2017. It is coming no matter what I do or do not do. It is the end of a tumultuous year, but also the beginning of year since we left Italy. I still have somewhat mixed feelings about leaving Italy. I will miss the shopping season that starts next month, and all that became familiar to me over my seven year stay.  Most of all I miss the security my life had in Italy. There was a great deal of predictability in my life there. So much of my life was purposefully organized around a routine. I needed that there. That predictability bred stability and I love stability. As counterintuitive as it sounds it allows me to be unpredictable, which I also love.

Sarah Connor in Terminator 2

But now I feel as if I am Sarah Connor at the end of the second Terminator movie. Where nothing is planned out. It is all up for grabs. To include where I go next with my career, Ryan's deployment and pre-school. Which brings me to the discouragement that crept over me. I had these bright ideas last week to launch a multi-million dollar business. I wondered how I would feel when I was described as the Gwen Stefani of fashion, wellness and empowerment. As they say I was counting my coins. I pitched the idea to a few would be partners/investors and quickly realized it was going to take a lot more thought and planning to get this idea off the ground. My week was full of tough decisions, electrifying conversations and the specter of failure at every turn.

The energy of the week has leveled off. The majority of the conversations ended with its an interesting idea, and I do not say this to discourage you but, you need to think this through more. How to coax a hobby into a sustainable idea that makes money. That is what I was left to chew on as the week came to a close. It feels like the biggest challenge of my life. It feels like if I get this right I could be living my best life ever. It feels like paralyzing terror.

I gave myself a until the new year to get back in the saddle. I plan to speak with Samantha my coach, speed walk through my neighborhood (it relieves stress and is not as damaging to my knees as running) and for goodness sakes get help to write a business plan.

There is no telling what the New Year will bring, but by the grace of God I will push through my fears, my predisposition to procrastinate and find a way to make money doing what I love. God help us all. In the meantime I went to the backyard to enjoy the crossbow Ryan bought me for Christmas.

Channeling Sarah Connor in my backyard wearing my PJs

The end is near and it's just the beginning

Every year around this time I look back at the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year and take stock of what I accomplished. My list of books to read is typically lengthy and I almost always get through it. This year with the aforementioned challenges my book game fell way off. Luckily I found a way to make some headway on my list quickly. I am borrowing audiobooks from the library. Not sure why I did not think of this before, but it is a great way to get through lots of books when you do not have a free hand to hold a book. I am using Libby, the app the friendly, stylish, tech-savvy librarian recommended two weeks ago. I love her it. In the two weeks since I downloaded the app I have listened to three books on my phone, and working on the fourth.

The first book was one I had at the bottom of my list, but on my list nonetheless. I wanted to know what Hilary ever did to make people hate her. If you are wondering the same Crisis of Character is the book for you. Man listen, this guy is salty about the both Hilary and Bill Clinton and Monica. It is one of those ripped from the headlines tell all books from a White House insider. 

I dispatched with the Clintons fairly quickly and moved on to Toni Morrison's God Help the Child. Lawdamercy her books can be an intense intellectual exercise.

She did not disappoint. It is her first novel set in modern times, and as a special treat she is the narrator. Typical Toni themes: race, love and mother-daughter relationships are included of course, but also a female entrepreneur and a passionate love affair. The remarkable aspect of the book is that at 86 years old Toni is fluent in social media and current affairs. Not her best work, but there is a twist at the end.

The Underground Railroad is a book I put off for months because who wants to follow up Toni Morrison with a book about slavery, but just like real books someone borrowed the Aziz Ansari book, and Colson Whitehead's Pulitzer Prize winner was ready for download. In it he reimagines the underground railway as a subway with an actual train. I sort of regret putting off reading it for so long. It is dark subject matter for sure, but Colson is delicate with the characters and their circumstances.

Next up was a book on parenting because I am in need of advice. We pledged to forgo corporal punishment when we first met. Ryan did not grow up in a spanking house. I certainly did and hated it, but it did not deter me from breaking the rules. Instead it made me resourceful; finding ways to get around getting caught. For now time-outs work on Hunter, but I don't know how long that will hold. The book was electronic, not audio. That is a no-go for me right now. I returned it with one click and stumbled onto The Language of Flowers. My Toastmaster mentor Terri recommended this to me months ago.

I started it tonight while Ryan was outside grilling an ax handle steak on the grill. Did I mention it was 75 degrees today? That is how this place got the nickname "God's Country", wait no this is the Peach State!

Ready, aim, fire!

I almost did not write today because I could not think of what to write. Then I thought about what I did today. I sent a few pictures to a friend of my favorite pieces I bought before I left Italy. Hunter is the light of my life but, my wardrobe is my pride and joy. I did some networking and job hunting online. I made a delightful lunch for Ryan who came home early. I contemplated what I should do for my birthday next week and of course what I will do with my hair and what I will wear.

After I did all of that Ryan walked over to me and said ok I am heading out. While I was doing everything I mentioned in the first paragraph I had a scenario playing in the back of my mind. Ryan was excited to go to the shooting range. Guns still scare me, but they scare me a little less than before. This is the deep south. Did I mention there are several military bases in close proximity to my home? That is an important detail because those two facts create a space where people who are passionate about their second amendment rights choose to live. I had to get over it because the reality is just about everyone on my street has at least one firearm in their home.

When we were house hunting in March it did not escape me that every single house had had shotgun-sized safe in the closet. I asked Bonnie, our realtor, if the neighborhoods she was showing us were safe. She looked at me as if I had grown a visible third eye while I was in the closet. She said these are some of the safest neighborhoods in the country. Then why all the guns? Because our constitution says we can have them. She went on to say that there are many gun enthusiasts in this part of the country. The same part of the country that many citizens display the confederate flag. I am still sorting out all the feels about these issues, but today I supported my husband in his pursuit of happiness.

All that to explain how I ended up at the state shooting range this afternoon with Ryan. This was my second time there. It is a mildly terrifying experience. The shots ringing out are some of the loudest sounds I have ever heard in my life. Even with protective ear gear I still wince as if someone has stepped on my little toe when certain weapons are discharged. Today there was a teenage girl helping her father unload rifles from the car. It felt like an alternate universe. It felt scary. I did not feel welcome the first time and less so when Ryan asked me to help pick up the casings that weapons discharged. Today I felt a little more relaxed. Not exactly my idea of a good time, but as you know I am the kind of woman who will try anything once or twice.

Ribbons, ladies and the dress

I have established that I am not working..yet. And that has been a major professional challenge for me this year. Family (and not one friend) has asked me how I spend my days. That is because my friends know about the daily challenges I faced in a new city operating as a single parent. There is not much time left over after caring for Hunter, job hunting and staying gorgeous. It takes time and effort to look good even when you do not necessarily have some place to go. Especially in this town where people are very laid back. I refuse to disparage the good folks of my town, but I will say there are a few Wal-Marts here, maybe several.

Once I found a great daycare program for Hunter, got rid of the armadillo and completed a few urgent repairs to the house some time freed up. Then Ryan came back and he needed quite a bit of care and feeding. I mean that literally. He lost almost fifty pounds in the few months he was gone. He sort of stumbled around the house the first few days trying to get reacquainted with everything to include Hunter and me. I got him sorted out, and on the first day he went back to work I exhaled deeply. It was time to get to work on me.

I took the best advice ever from one of my dearest friends  and joined Toastmasters. I won four ribbons! I hosted a welcome home party for Ryan once he was ready for outside company. I attend a few coffee and lunch networking meetings a week. I read to Hunter's class a few times a month. I also joined a meetup called Heart Centered Women. It is a group of creative women who have a vision of their best life and are looking for the roadmap to get there. Samantha started the group this summer. Her story reads like a Lifetime movie, but with a Happily Ever After (HEA). Successful New York non-profit executive ditches her-pie-in- the-sky office and the salary that comes with it, and moves to Savannah, GA to start her life coaching business. You better believe she is living her HEA. I have participated in a few of her events and you can feel the passion radiating out of her.

Samantha's third from the left.We are at a wine tasting event

Last night she offered a "hot seat" career coaching call. It was amazing. Several of us were on the call speaking about being in transition in our careers. She focused in on our fears and a surprise to no one she told us that our fears were holding us all back. Samantha encouraged..encouraged is not even the word. Samantha guided me through my fear of making a phone call to someone that can help me find my own career HEA. I feel incredibly energized today. I joined the gym. I am looking good. My muscles are clearly poppin'. Today I worked out harder than I have in a long time. I came home to make the call I have been thinking about for months. Although the woman on the other end of the line could not see me, I made sure I looked good while we spoke. It absolutely helped to boost my confidence.

I get dressed for my networking calls

Me trying to look suburban

The year is quickly coming to a close, and every year I say I am going to do more with the blog. Yet here I am with the new year coming at warp speed with no new exciting things happening on the blog. Of the many goals I had this year posting more frequently was definitely on my list. As we slide into 2018 I am going to try meet my goal and post new content everyday. This should be easy because I still have not found a job. February will be one year since we moved back to the United States of America where a TV star is the President.

To be perfectly honest being back is not what I expected. I expected to continue being a harried working mom, but without a nanny or husband because Ryan would be gone for three months shortly after we got here and I could not bring Marina with us. I thought I would miss Italy more than anything in the world. I was certain I would face discrimination based on my race, my bi-racial kid and my white husband. Maybe throw in gender and my northern accent for good measure. The Georgia state flag does incorporate the confederate flag...This gave me a general sense of foreboding. Most of all I thought I would be working at the Army base with a 45 minute commute wondering how I ended up working in a stifled office as a mid-level government employee in the deep south.

It is with great joy and exquisite pleasure that I tell you none of those events came to pass. The government job has not materialized. My transfer remains tangled in red tape that I fear will never be sorted. We live in a beautiful, safe and diverse community in one of the fastest growing cities in the country. Convenience and yes southern charm is everywhere. My little family is happier than we have ever been.

At Sam's. Buying in bulk is so American

A job would be nice, but I know the perfect opportunity will come when the time is right. For the time being I am focused on spending these precious days with Hunter and Ryan. He heads back to the middle east in a few months. Let us hope and pray things go smoother than last time he was gone. More on that hopefully tomorrow.