I am a Tedx Savannah 2020 Speaker

Me volunteering at TEDx 2 years ago

Seven years in Italy is a long time. It was a wonderful, most of the time. I am even grateful for the times when I wasn't living the dream. Now that I am back and just celebrated my third anniversary in Savannah I happy to report I am getting the hang of living in America again. I have fully reintegrated into American society. What does that mean? How is that different from say last year or the year before?
so glad that you asked. Last year and certainly the year before I felt very much the outsider with my nose pressed again the window looking in fogging it with my mouth breathing. I felt keenly out of touch with nature of how things move and work here. The rhythm of the language, the decrease in the number of seasons and the skittish, but sometimes rogue wildlife all took some getting used to.

Let's begin with the seasons. In NYC and Vicenza there are four seasons. Yes, yes, climate change has made them shorter and more extreme but there are four of them. Here in Savannah not so much. There are two seasons not so hot and too hot. Next is the accent. Once so strange to my to my ear. Who am I kidding? The southern accent is still unfamiliar to my ear, but there are some idiomatic expressions that are unique and helpful. More than once I have had the urge to us "y'all" instead of the plural you. It just fit the situation. I always forgo the urge and use something more natural to my natural way of speaking and say "you guys" or "hey". But my all time fave is: "It bees like that sometimes". Oh it is such a wonderful expression, and I get tremendous use out of it. Here it is in action: I went to that new comfort food restaurant. The food was delicious, but they got my order wrong and the service made me fee like I interrupted the server's lunch break. "It bees like that sometimes" is the perfect response.

I saved the best for last. The skittish yet oftentimes bold wildlife around here is a mystery and a delight. There is a gaggle of geese that commandeer the streets whenever they damn well please. There are easily 50 or more gees that will parade down the street here and we all know to get out their way when we see them coming. We had to rescue a turtle once, build a barrier to keep an armadillo out of the yard and finally deer can be seen grazing in the grassy areas of the sidewalks in front of the houses in my neighborhood.

In spite of the unusual challenges I have made incredible headway. Two years a go I volunteered at TEDx Savannah. First I created a role for myself that didn't exist, which allowed me to interact with all the speakers and organizers. Then I was invited to come back the second year to assist one of the organizers and this year I will be a speaker. Terry, my Toastmaster mentor has been gung ho about being a TEDx presenter for as long as I have known her. She believed the round of applause at the end of her talk would enrich her life and take her to heights yet unknown. I don't crave the approval of people I don't know. Instead I long for the approval of the people I do know.

However, I am learning that the only approval I truly need is my own. It is taking some time to get used to that idea but, I am on my way.

The Golden Age of Television Blazes On

The cast of All American

It's been a minute since I wrote about TV. I have been too busy out here living that life! But, there are a few months in Savannah that can be considered winter. Those months are December, January and February. And even those three months are mild considered the winters in northern Italy and Brooklyn, NY. Here the temperatures dip just below 50 degrees for a few hours before finding their equilibrium at low to mid 60s. Even with the mild weather I am spending less time outdoors and more time reading, watching tv or scrolling through Instagram. This month I discovered two gems. The first, All American, was a fluke. I read about the show in an article about the female character Bre Z, formerly of Empire fame. I tuned in out of curiosity, but stayed for the compelling storyline. The show is based on the true story of former NFL player Spencer Paysinger. It delves into his inspirational story of growing up in the rough neighborhood of Crenshaw and moving to Beverly Hills to play high school football. Think of it as a mash up of Beverly Hills 90210 and Boyz in the Hood.  I cried during approximately half of the 16 episodes. Granted I was pmsing for some of those, but I standby the emotional validity of those tears. I found myself cheering for the Beverly Hills High football team, and I don't know much about football. In fact I didn't even watch the Super Bowl! Once you get past the fact that these kids look nothing like I did in high school you are in for a treat. Take my advice keep the tissues close.

As you may or may not know I intended to BE Diana Ross when I grew up, but as it turns out I don't have a very good singing voice, contacts in the music or metaphysical world. I needed the later because there already is a Diana Ross and I can only replace her with magic or alchemy. Once I got over that, I wanted very much to be her daughter Tracy. That did not go quite as planned either. Next up Zoe Kravitz. I was obsessed with Denise Huxtable on the Cosby Show. I had never seen someone like her on tv or anywhere else. She was the epitome of cool. Now all these years later her daughter Zoe has turned the movie High Fidelity on its head. Zoe is in the lead role and she has that same strong sparkle that Lisa Bonet has on screen perhaps an even stronger sparkle. She shines in Big Little Lies but, in High Fidelity she is open and vulnerable and yet as mysterious and captivating as her mother was in the original.

It is refreshing to see Zoe break out of her shell and express a full range of emotions. It's what I have always wanted for her. Well that and to be her of course.

The 2019 Round Up

Turkey legs are a thing at Magic Kingdom

Although we are securely in 2020 I feel a 2019 roundup is necessary because it was such an amazing year. I found my footing in Savannah, both professionally and personally. To be sure there were challenges, but the rewards were better than I could have imagined, and I am grateful for all in equal measure. 

The highlights of the year were easily the Xena Retreat and the new job. To have one of those happen in the year would have been amazing. Instead I had the opportunity to spend three days immersed in my favorite television show and meet other women more obsessed than I am with Xena. Then when the timing was just right an amazing job opportunity plucked me out of obscurity. And just like that I was back in the corporate game. It is not the most exciting job, but it is in my field, near the house and I have enough flexibility to have lunch with Hunter once a week.  

We had dear friends from Italy spend the holidays with us. We took a quick trip to Orlando and spent a few fun filled days at Disney and Cape Canaveral. It was exhilarating to have a piece of my Italian life here with me in Savannah. 

I also chose to work with a life and business coach this year. I met Samantha almost immediately after my arrival in Savannah via Meetup. All the chaos you have likely heard about in the news is true, but the folks holding down the the fort at WeWork and are keeping the Meetup.com social networking platform alive, but I digress. I attended a few of Samantha's events and we soon became friends. She introduced me to a few other women online and a few others in Savannah as well. I watched the people she surrounded herself with grow, change and become more. Of what you may ask? More of who they are. 

It began to dawn on me that I had an unmooring after Italy. Seven years away from friends and family can do that to girl from time-to-time. With new adjectives and roles in my life I often felt adrift. I am American but, there are still a great many cultural obsessions that I missed out on and often don't relate to here. Memes, gifs., and a few Microsoft word shortcuts to name a few.

Let's welcome Samantha to the performance area that is my life. Although we are friends I wanted to change that relationship into something of a more professional nature. I had never done anything like that before. Your therapist can never be your friend. Same as professors, well perhaps professors can become your friend. That is a story for another day. Today we are discussing my decision to hire my friend as a business and life coach. 

When I approached Samantha with the idea she was surprised. She knew I had a business  idea I was trying to get off the ground. I had attended a few online workshops with her for that, but then I realized I needed to do some inner work to fix a vibrational issue. I knew she could help with that too. I was very clear with her: I want to vibrate higher and I think you can help me do that.  

We agreed to 12 sessions over the course of seven of the best months of my life. All of our sessions were online and recorded so that I could view them later if I needed (I have not needed.) She gave me books to read, The Four Agreements. Videos to watch, The Circle of Influence. There was even homework.

I was racing to work after dropping my son off at school one morning. A police officer stopped me for going 62 mph in a 55 mph zone. He let me off with a warning but, the traffic stop scared me half to death. Traffic stops gone wrong are allover the news and social media. Samantha helped me to pull apart all the fear and anxiety around the traffic stop. In some of our sessions we tackled 9/11, but mostly importantly she helped me regain the inner confidence I lost after a bout with postpartum depression and the house fire in Italy. There is always more work to be done, but the work I put in last year has set me up for a terrific 2020. 

A Lesson in Forgiveness

I love podcasts! I listen to several a week on average. I was an early adopter of the audio content genre, latching on in the early 2000s. Back then most of the content was news. Then came audiobooks and finally serialized content via iTunes, Spotify, Earwolf  to name a few. Mostly I have stuck to iTunes and recently reverted back to engagement with physical books.

Last year, a dear friend gave me a physical book. I was alarmed in a fashion reminiscent of the idea of tap water being compared to toilet water in the hilarious film Idiocracy. (In the movie drinking anything but flavored drinks replete with electrolytes was unheard of.) At that point I had not read a physical book in years. In Italy, especially after Hunter was born I enjoyed the hands free option to consume content. Back then I believed one had not lived a full life without the joy of having Junot Diaz narrate his marvelous book This Is How You Lose Her. When I found audio version of The Color Purple read by Alice Walker I became ritualistic about listening to my favorite parts over and over again. I set lofty goals every year to listen to 10, then 15 and finally 25 books a year. I love to set and reach my goals; and this was especially rewarding.

Suddenly last year as the Savannah mornings grew crisp, and the nights became longer I found the time to peel open the pages of the physical book my friend gave to me. Dear reader the book's title The Summer We Got Free and author were not on my radar. The book itself although interesting, paled in comparison to the experience of setting time aside  to read a book with my own eyes. It meant doing something for just me. This little book and the modest gesture marked the beginning of my transition from a human doing to a human being. 

I have said it before and it bears repeating: motherhood is hard! Reading physical books while raising a child under the age of 10 is a luxury I did not make time for in my days or nights. I stuck to audio. And let's be honest I listened while scrolling through Instagram before bed or first thing in the morning when I had a few moments to myself. Then this book came into my life and I wondered where..how I would ever fit it into my routine. There wasn't time, or was there?

In a surprise to myself I made the time, and welcomed physical books back into my life. The best part of my new existence as a human being vs. a human doing is the acceptance of doing what I actually want instead of what I think is expected. I began to mix things up this year expanding the genre of podcasts I listen to when I am not reading in the free time I intentionally create for myself. While scrolling through my Instagram I saw a video clip of Jay Shetty on "Ellen". I hit the subscribe button for the Jay Shetty podcast and had episodes quickly added to my feed. He had a variety of guests Lala Anthony, Gisele Bundchen and Brian Grazer to name a few. I noticed Kobe Bryant was on the list of guests. 

Once upon a time in the mid-90s I was a Kobe fan. He skipped college and went directly to the NBA after graduating from high school. I had recently graduated from college and was in the throes of finding my way back to Rome, Italy after spending a semester there in my junior year. Kobe's father moved the family to a town outside of Rome while he played for an Italian league when Kobe was six years old. He learned to speak Italian, thrived in Italy and earned a place in my heart. 

Then in 2003 he was accused of sexual assault. The 19 year-old survivor refused to testify in the trial and the case was dropped. Kobe had this to say about the incident: "Although I truly believe this encounter between us was consensual, I recognize now that she did not and does not view this incident the same way I did. After months of reviewing discovery, listening to her attorney, and even her testimony in person, I now understand how she feels that she did not consent to this encounter." The accuser filed a separate civil lawsuit against Bryant, which the two sides settled privately.

Unfortunately his apology didn't cut it for me, and I exited stage left from the Kobe fan club. I avoided his Jay Shetty episode for the first few weeks. Then one day I determined I was missing out on hearing about his content creation company. It occurred to me that it took more energy to avoid him than to forgive him for something he apologized and paid for 16 years ago. Perhaps it was time to forgive him and myself to experience the message that was coming through him. 

I knew his short film Dear Basketball won an Oscar last year, but the title eluded my interest. Then trusting Jay Shetty, I hit play. That was my big lesson in forgiveness this year. Holding on to his mistake kept me from the joy of his success all these years. 

He is the father of four girls who are all athletes. Kobe believes sports are the ultimate metaphor for life, and he is highly articulate in spreading the message of sports, confidence and parenting. He is a strategic thinker who emphasizes process over results and the journey over the destination. Kobe breaks down the creative process, how to develop compelling characters and how he came to develop his production company. 

None of us are perfect, but all of us have something to say. We will never agree with what everyone has to say or how they chose to live. I used to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Now I take what serves me and leave the rest. 

If You Ask for What You Want, There Is a Good Chance You Will Get It

A brief description of EMDR

Over the years this little space I created to help my friends and family stay in touch with my comings and goings became a place for me to express my thoughts, hopes and some fears. In the last days of 2018 I used it to push through the end of the year with a flourish of consistency. I am beginning that practice earlier this year. I intend to post more frequently to close out 2019 strong. After all we start a whole new decade in a few short months.

And what a year 2019 has been. Since my previous post I landed a dream job at a local engineering firm. In fact it is one of the most prestigious engineering firms in the region. It came as a bit of a surprise to me a few months ago when a cursory glance at my calendar indicated that September 11 would fall on Wednesday. The job was still quite new and taking off so soon into my tenure seemed like one of the least favorable action steps I could take. Still I wondered if the alternative, going to work, was the best option available to me. Eventually, it became less of choice. A big presentation was due on Wednesday, September 11 at my new job.

As you may recall or if you are new to this space, I worked in WTC 2 and was directly outside of the building when the second plane crashed into the building and exploded. Being overseas for the last seven years both helped and hindered my healing from the horror I saw that day. On the one hand I was far removed from the memories and triggers of the day. On the other hand I was isolated because I chose not share the information. In Italy there were commemorations of course. I even tried to participate once only to realize the trauma was still very raw for me. This year was the first time I was in a new environment in the US with many variables outside of my control. The day did not go well for me. I was plagued by worry, fear and flashbacks. I controlled what I could. I asked my new boss to send an email asking for discretion around the topic because there was a survivor at the firm. I also asked that she not mention it was me. Not everyone got the email. It was a tough day. I called a close friend who put a name to what was happening to me: PTSD.

I was doubtful of her professional diagnosis at first (she is a licensed clinical practioner), but I trust her. All I could articulate was that I felt unsafe inside my own body. I wanted to be free of that fear. In that moment I surrendered. I let go of holding onto myself and reached out for help. My friend recommended EMDR, a form of psychotherapy used to treat PTSD. It is quite popular in military populations, and I have had exposure to it as a result. I did not think I had PTSD and never thought EMDR was something I would benefit from in my particular circumstance.

Frankly it was a lot to process quickly: (1) I have PTSD and (2) I need to go to therapy for something that happened in 2001. I often compared myself to the people who lost their lives, loved ones or their health that day. I suffered no such losses and therefore felt less deserving of healing. As I began to process those thoughts I came to see their disorganization and the need for reorganization.

I had my fourth session today. It is weird after all this time to speak about 9/11in the present tense. Namely because it was almost 20 years ago, and I am a vastly different type of human now. I am a recovering human doing. I have transitioned to a human being. That's a little something I learned in my sessions.

I also have a busy life and wondered if it was wise, necessary or important enough to make space for it. I had concerns about bringing this to the forefront of my life. This type of work is unsettling, but I decided to move forward with caution. It has been a challenge, but deeply and powerfully rewarding. Areas of my life long siloed are reintegrating into the whole again. The memories are intense, the connections are vibrant and exhilarating. Most of all I am learning that asking for help gets you the thing you want. And we are all deserving of that.

The Mystery of Lao Ma

Lao Ma

Last time on The Cat Who Swallowed the Canary all was right in the world at the Xenite RETREAT. I met and shared a conversation of a lifetime with Steven L. Sears. I asked all my questions and received all the answers, all of them. I was so content with myself, and where the journey led me. I was full and enjoying the emotional high gratitude can produce. I did not think it could get any better. In fact I had no idea what better could look like. The next morning I discovered exactly what better than one of the most exciting evenings of my life feels like.

When I arrived at RETREAT I overheard someone mention that Jacqueline Kim would attend. It was said with such relaxed nonchalance that I did not believe what I heard. I thought it was just something people said for fun at an event such as RETREAT. Ha, I said to myself, "Who else is coming to this, Alti..Xena herself!?" I could not allow myself to think about a live encounter with the actress that played Lao Ma in The Debt I and II. Yet, a small part of me understood that if my heart's deepest desire came into being the night before, then many new possibilities were now part of my reality.

Season three episode six takes us back to warlord Xena. Broken in mind, body and spirit, we see a woman determined and unbowed by her circumstance. Her shattered legs and thirst for blood fueling her rampage. She found a lover in bronzy Borias and has a fairly solid mission to wreak havoc in the land of Chin.

All is going as planned until it is not. Xena is betrayed once again, and this time she is being hunted like wild animal! This is when we learn that the meek Lao Ma, full of deference to her husband, was not her true nature. Watching Lao Ma save Xena and discover the immense power she had over herself and her surroundings was a spiritual awakening for me. That episode showed me how far Xena had come. I learned that Xena did not arrive with all the skills and intensity she possessed in the series naturally. She suffered a great deal. As the opening narration states she was forged in the heat of battle. Those conflicts were not always with exterior enemies. They were oftentimes intense internal struggles. The kind we all experience. Until the Debts, I thought I was alone in my struggles. I thought my suffering was unique. After the Debts I, had an awareness, however slight, that we might all be suffering in our own personal way.

Some of the best Xena episodes are the ones when we get a chance to see her backstory often filled with powerful, enigmatic female characters. Women with a complicated moral compass. Women I saw myself in as I navigated my own complex life. I watched Lao Mao move with the power of the divine feminine. She was more powerful than Xena in mind and spirit. I searched for a long time for my own Lao Ma. A strong female warrior type to teach me and show me the way. It was cold standing in the shadow of many so-called warriors and teachers. I experienced all the joy and deep sadness that goes along with giving away one's power. In those dark days I often thought of Xena and Lao Ma. How perfectly imperfect they were. Angry Xena on the precipice of motherhood. Powerful Lao Ma unable to reveal her true identity to her son. In those women I saw myself, a perplexing mix of conflicting emotions. In Lao Ma I saw someone I could be: a self-actualized energy shifter. A woman in full command of her agency and all the confidence that comes with that awareness.

We did not have the pleasure of understanding much more about Lao Ma's backstory. What we learned later with the twins only confused us more, but I digress. Lao Ma was my totem and/or koan. The character was a symbol of the woman I hoped to be someday, but also a riddle that if I figured out how she became enlightened, it would provoke my own awakening. I wrestled with this idea over the years, with no real answers on how to live the life I wanted. Unaware that my everyday actions were bringing me closer to my aspiration.

Me and Lao Ma

And so it happened, on my way back from breakfast, I saw the outline of Jacqueline's solid block LEGO hair. It is full of body, and the strands move as a collective to reveal a flourish of a bright, silvery patch under the top layer. I rubbed my eyes the way sleepy kids do in the movies, fists churning in my face. I chuckled to myself that I was hallucinating. Dearest reader, I was not experiencing hallucinations. This was not like that time in the amazon at the ayahuasca ceremony. This was real. Lao Ma's powers are real!

How can I describe this moment with mere words? Everything up until that point seemed to crumple into a ball of disappointing typewritten paper from the movies. There was a gravitational yank toward her. The combination of Lao Ma's You Came from a Vagina yellow t-shirt glowing in the sun and the scent of the Palo Santo stick she was burning set off an internal humming. It was quiet at first, but became louder as I approached her. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to spin her around and float above the campground wrapped in reams and reams of silky fabrics. I needed to giggle with her as she demonstrated how wisdom and healing can multiply feelings of joy and radiant understanding.

I stepped into the gentle smoke of the Palo Santo as it wafted into the trees, and somehow managed to play it cool. She was chatting with a few other Xenites about Lao Ma. She seemed surprised to hear the impact the role had almost 20 years later. We eagerly shared our stories. And by we I mean I let the others in the group speak because I was still thinking about us flying around in silken fabrics as she taught me everything she knows about telekinesis.

She loves boiled eggs too!

The next day we ended up at breakfast together. Would you believe she loves boiled eggs as much as I do? I watched her exercise the strongest boundaries I have ever seen when various people approached her throughout the day. Boundaries with people are something I am working on getting better at all the time. In many ways Jacqueline the actor/artist was very much a mentor, a wise woman with gifts some obvious, others yet to be known. She taught me how to give while receiving and she reminded me that it is always better to stand in the sun instead of someone's shadow. Among other lessons I learned from her that beloved weekend, she introduced me to Palo Santo. Since that introduction it has brought me some of the wisdom and peace I seek. Until next time on The Cat Who Swallowed the Canary.

I posed for Lao Ma as an Oscar at the Cos Play party

Xena Taught Me Italian

As unlikely an Italian teacher Xena: Warrior Princess was, she was certainly the best. I am referring to the eponymous television series of the late 1990s. I was living my second Italian adventure from 1996 to 1999. I set lofty goals to speak Italian with better fluency, but I was not progressing fast enough. I desperately wanted to be fluent and make friends with my wildly fashionable neighbors. There were a few American television shows that were consistently dubbed into Italian: Baywatch, Friends and The Robinsons aka The Cosby Show. Italians could not say Huxtable so the whole thing became The Robinsons, but that topic should be dealt with in a separate post.

And so it happened that after Friends and before Baywatch, Xena: Warrior Princess aired. It was as banal a start as any of my other potent obsessions. A stoic, dark haired lady with bangs, clad in leather and weaponry. She was mostly in a bad mood in the early seasons. Nothing much to see. Keep it moving. The action was sometimes fun, but the critical piece was the dialogue. The language was simple and I could understand some of what was going on from the tone of voice and the action sequences. But, the devil was, as they say, in the details. I could not grasp details of the story arcs. This was during the early days of the internet and a quick search led me to Whoosh! Here I could find an episode synopsis. Once I caught up to the current season I was able to read what happened. By the end of the season I spoke Italian..well almost. Enough to have vivid conversations about fashion, food and culture with my wildly fashionably neighbors. After I finished with my graduate program I moved back to the States and watched the show in real time.

I tried in vain to find real life fans of the show, but no one I met watched with the same sense of wonder. The obsession was part nostalgia for those amazing years in Italy. The other part was the way the show portrayed an independent woman living by her own set of values and those values changed as she gained more life experience. There were tragedies for sure, but also a romance for the ages. I chose to keep my love for the show to myself and moved on to other pursuits. I never went to the conventions or cosplay events. I had a different relationship to the show, and it had nothing to do with the costumes. It was about the journey of self discovery, the adventure and motherhood. The show thinly disguised complex subjects of violence, love and forgiveness. It had one the best character development arcs ever.

The years passed and Xena faded into the background of my life. Then late last year one of my favorite episodes was on television. A strange sensation washed over me. It felt like running into an old friend that was once a source of great comfort. I began to poke around the internet to see how the years had treated my favorite characters. The years had been kind. I found the Xena Warrior Podcast (XWP). Three film students dissected each episode and gave lots of background information about the show's directors, writers and producers. It was as if someone flipped a switch on inside of a dark closed off room in my heart. Suddenly power, energy, and what felt like my my whole life force, was flowing into a long forgotten part of me. Then in the middle of season five they started talking about something called RETREAT. A weekend billed as an event where you can talk about Xena all weekend long and no one looks at you funny. I listened smiling with interest that slowly transitioned to hope and finally desire. A few key strokes told me everything I needed to know: It was a few months away in California just outside of Los Angeles.

The XWP hosts spoke about RETREAT as if it was paradise. I still thought of it as an extravagant indulgence. I could not travel across the country for a four day trip about Xena. A show that went off the air almost 20 years ago. The idea was ridiculous and crazy. I had just started my first full time job since my arrival in Savannah. It took me two years to find this job. The thing is the more I thought about it, the more I realized I could not, not travel across the country to talk about Xena all weekend with other fans who felt a deep connection to the show.

Retreat was almost three weeks ago and it was PHENOMENAL. I made it a priority and took the time from work to go. What about Hunter? I recently learned an important lesson regarding motherhood. I am a better mom when I am a happy woman. It is important for Hunter to see his mom passionate and excited about her life. As soon as I signed up to go an entire world of other fans going to RETREAT became available to me. I was dropped head first into the Xenaverse and it was marvelous.

Once on the ground at RETREAT things quickly escalated to an effervescent sparkle. All around me there were causal conversations. What surprised me most was the topics discussed were not hyper focused on the show, but around RETREAT itself. I had the greatest sense of belonging I have ever known. I found the others like me. 

In 1997 when Xena first cast her spell on me I quickly understood a particular writer had the strongest point of view when it came to her character. Steven L. Sears is best described as one of the architects of the Xenaverse. The driving force behind Xena. He wrote many of my favorite episodes. The ones that explored esoteric concepts, explored alternative histories, and stretched my imagination. He brought to life a flawed woman who easily demonstrated rage, sorrow and joy. Sometimes viewers were treated to all of those emotions in one episode. I wondered for years who is Steven L. Sears, and how did he form this character. I had the conversation in my mind often. To be perfectly honest, dearest reader other than Hunter, meeting and discussing Xena with Steven L. Sears has been my heart's deepest desire.

In the months leading up to this extraordinary adventure I focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Looking any farther ahead made my head spin with confusion, anticipation and something dangerously close to the spiritual ecstasy St. Teresa experienced. This pivotal moment is depicted in one of my favorite baroque sculptures in Rome. A quote from her autobiography says it all: "The pain was so great, that it made me moan; and yet so surprising was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that I could not wish to be rid of it."

I overheard that Steven L. Sears was at RETREAT as he had been almost from the first RETREAT six years ago. This was one of the reasons I could not think about RETREAT before I went. It was the thought of meeting Steven that stirred the most profound emotions.

Notes for Steven

After dinner I headed to the outdoor stage where Hey, King played theme music from the show replete with drums, strings and singers belting out the mysterious Baltic chorus. I thought I had died and gone to the Elysian Fields. In a tribute to the Amazon tribes often among the storylines of the show, there was a dance party around a bonfire. Would be dancers and patient observers such as myself methodically filled in the area around the fire. The night air was layered with a cool dampness. No rain just the influence of the humidity and high altitude. Soon a DJ pumped tunes deep into the night air and revelers danced without care for rhythm or circumstance.

Steven L. Sears wears a trademark Indiana Jones styled hat. He is easy to spot in a sea of women. To be clear there were several men in attendance but, us women easily outnumbered them. I did my very best not to appear creepy in any way but, I kept my eyes on Steven praying to all that is holy for an opening to start a conversation. A few minutes passed. I moved into the same row with him. One of the event organizers sat close to him. Their knees almost touching as they exchanged photography tips. Talking into their cameras about the myths around flash photography. Steven's attention was drawn away for a second. I slid hurriedly next to the organizer and blinked quickly at her. Trying to contain my excitement and focus my thoughts: "That's Steven L. Sears right? Listen, I am his biggest fan. It would me the world to me to have a conversation with him. Do you think he would be open to that?" She looked at me intently. Immediately understanding the import of the moment. "YES, he would. He loves talking to us about the show. He will surprise and thrill you. He will answer all the questions you have and go deep with his answers. Talk to him," she gave my hand an earnest, tight, squeeze and a gentle nod. The us she is referring to are the other Xenites. The official name of the event is the Xenite Retreat.

I shot up as if someone pricked me with a sharp object. I ran, at top speed, back to my room. I wrote out my top five questions for Steven. The top five questions I kept close to my heart. The ones I nurtured, pet and refined for 21 years. I whispered them as I wrote them down. The words spilled on to the paper effortlessly. My pen was the guide, but the words poured from my soul. The action was perfunctory. Just a tool to help me prepare for the discussion of a lifetime. This would help me keep my composure and organize my thoughts.

 I 

walked back to the bonfire with carefully measured steps enjoying every moment. Back in the seats around the bonfire the organizer created fertile ground for me. When I found my way to the seat near Steven she gestured to me as she whispered to him. I read her lips, "That's her, your biggest fan." And just like that I moved closer and began one of the most intensely satisfying conversations of my life. Every question prompted new questions. We spoke for hours tumbling from one topic to the next. My eyes fixated on his face as we discussed the origins of Xena. The how and why he infused her with so much power and vulnerability. Why he cares about women's point of view with the sensitivity he does. We discussed my favorite episodes. Why he left the show. What he did while he was gone. How the Hollywood machine works. It was fascinating. Think of the most precious moment of your life. Now conjure the most delicious food you have ever tasted. This is what that night was like. The most incredible part of all of this is that it got even better the very next day. Until next time on The Cat Who Swallowed the Canary.