Some Words Are Best Said in My Voice

On Friday, June 24, 2022, the long delayed TEDx Savannah live event was held at the Yamacraw Center for Performing Arts. I love all things TED. It was one of my tethers to the cultural movements at home during the Italian years. There certainly were times I thought I could do a TED talk. Or wouldn't it be fun to do a TED talk, but I never imagined that it would arrive in my grasp, but it did.

The road to TEDx was a winding path of self-discovery, courage and mental toughness. I was a TEDx Savannah volunteer in 2018. It was one the most thrilling experiences of my life. I didn't understand then what moved people to take on such an opportunity for growth. All the work for applause didn't make sense. Things began to shift for me in 2019. I reframed the idea into what my message could mean for others. That my journey and experiences could add value to the lives of others began to take shape. 

That's the boldness of giving a talk such as TED or TEDx. I imagine super famous people are invited to give TED talks, but TEDx is different. As speakers, we decide that our message has value and pursue our chance to get on stage.  

I had a few hurdles to cross to get to that stage. Including a massive panic attack on my way to the most incredible mall in the world, which happens to be located across a massive bridge in Jacksonville, FL. There was also the emcee's email stating I had PTSD, which sent me into a spiral so intense that it altered my speech and my perception to accept that I do in fact have PTSD. Everyone around me knew it accept me. I was repeatedly reminded of that fact as I tried to distance myself from that reality, even in my talk. What a gift to receive. All of those experiences afforded me the opportunity to see myself as deserving of grace, tenderness and love.

The link doesn't go live for another few days. Big TED has to review and approve. Next steps are to allow the rest of this journey to unfold as the universe intends. I allow for things to stay as they are (unlikely) or something fascinatingly better to come into being a new reality.

I Leaned In So Far I Fell Over

Have you ever wanted to change your life? Have you ever had the feeling you were in the wrong place, but only to show you how to get to the right place? If you have then you intuitively understand the intersection of confusion and knowing that I have lived for the last eight years. 

Motherhood is complicated, and first-time motherhood is arduous terrain. A few weeks after my son, who is now eight, was born his Godmother uttered chilling words I will never forget, "From now on your life will be dominated by the search for efficient and safe childcare." The joy and satisfaction I had holding my son after I survived 14 hours of labor leeched out through one of the folds in his blanket. Her words hit me at me at my weak spots. Between the two of us Ryan and I have five healthy parents. That's plenty of hands to go around! However, as days turned to weeks, months and years, I found the reliance on family for childcare was a pipedream. Compounded by the fact that we lived halfway across the world in Italy when Hunter was born, it dawned on me that Hunter's Godmother was prescient. 

I viewed my career as an essential part of my identity. Independence is a requisite component to my happiness. It was why I worked so hard to graduate from college and grad school and secure a career. I could not, should not give that up to RAISE A BABY. EVER. No one I knew did this. My peers hired nannies or seemed to have a mythical set up that ensured their offspring were always cared for no matter what. What happened next in my journey was a surprise. 

My resourceful nature was key to balancing motherhood and career. My aunt stayed with us for the first three months after I gave birth. Then Ryan's mother for three months after that. By then Hunter was ready for daycare. I cried that first day at drop off but prioritized getting back to work. I needed my identity to be tied to my career. The alternative title, MOM, more precisely STAY-AT-HOME MOM terrified me. Waitlist navigation became an essential part of my existence. When the list for daycare, preschool, kindergarten and later specialized elementary schools opened, closed and how many were on the list dominated my life. 

One of us, typically Ryan, travels a few times a month. I juggled childcare needs and stuffed down any sense of guilt that tried to make its way to the surface. The juggling act was trickier Stateside. Although closer to family, they weren't as willing or available to us as we had hoped. 

Most unfortunately, I became determined to prove I could do it all. Buoyed by Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In, I continued to push for a defining career worthy of my experience, education and talent. I needed to be challenged and respected at work. I pushed, networked and applied until I got as close to my previous high-powered roles as I could. When I finally arrived at my cube back in Corporate America a sense of unease slowly began to creep over me like slug on the concrete after a humid spring rain. The title was impressive inside the organization, although coordinator had an administrative ring to my seasoned ear. The pay was better than any other since my arrival, but below my worth. 

I tried to treat Ryan's schedule as a minor inconvenience (he travels two to six months out of the year). An event to be managed. Something to be worked around. I reveled in the idea that everyone was looking at me marveling at how I got it all done. "Isn't she amazing.," I hoped they whispered as they closed their eyes before bed. This was cold comfort as the pandemic forced me to re-evaluate what matters most. Until next time on The Cat Who Swallowed the Canary.

Here's What I Watched in 2021

Have you been watching all the things on television? I have tried, but there is so much "must watch" tv and so many different platforms I have to put in as much energy into watching TV as I do at my job. It's a confusing time for so many reasons and watching tv should not be. Here's what I watched and loved in 2021:

1. Succession is an HBO show about a ruthless media magnate, (Is there any other kind?) Logan Roy, who built his empire and a family to fear and work hard for his affection. Creating insecure minions and children that hope to one day inherit the business in the process. Of the three siblings I was drawn to Siobhan. A stylish political operative with a good heart. She seemed like the obvious choice as the successor, but as the series develops, we learn that Siobhan is more like her father and brothers than she led us to believe!

2. The Mandolorian is a member of the Star Wars universe, of which I am not well-versed. However, you don't need to be a fan of the George Lucas phenomenon to fall for the ubiquitous BABY YODA. Like animals and infants, he is nonverbal. All his emotion is revealed through the giant eyes in his wrinkled, green face. The first season is good, clean fun, with action and adventure galore. By the time the second season finale comes around you'll be (1) wondering how they were able to keep that secret; (2) thanking whatever magic makes CGI work and; (3) looking forward to seeing Mr. Pascal in more stuff.

3. Star Trek Discovery is the Star Trek little Black girls have been waiting for our whole lives. The first in the series from the perspective one of the ship's officers instead of the Captain. There's an important Vulcan storyline that will leave you gasping for air. Most importantly there's Sonequa Martin who is reminding us to trust ourselves more than anything else each time she is on screen. 

4. Sense 8 is a Netflix show by the Wachowski sisters that I ignored for years. There was a lot of talk about it, but nothing about it resonated with me. A close friend encouraged me to get past the first few episodes and IGNORE the Daryl Hannah character altogether, and instead focus on the broader international themes, diversity and relationships. Once I did that, I was in love with the story of human connection, love, sex and adventure. 

5. The Expanse in a space odyssey. I don't get to use the word odyssey enough. The Expanse is well, expansive. It begins with a missing woman and a quirky detective hundreds of years in the future, but as the final episode of the sixth season approaches, we find our characters at the far reaches of the universe fighting each other for survival against an unknown foe. 

This list is by no means exhaustive. Admiral mentions goes to What We Do in the Shadows, The Mayans, and Pose.

Here's What I Read in 2021

I have tried different methods of expression in this space. One year I posted every day for the final days of the year. It was fun and an excellent way to send off the year. I have been thinking about posting every day for the first five days of the year to see what follows but, I am not securely attached to the concept just yet. For now, let's dig into what distracted me from my work and childrearing.

Here's my top five books of 2021 in a very particular order of preference:

1. The Book of Longings: A Novel by Sue Monk Kidd

I could go on ad nauseum about this book but believe me it is better to savor the beauty of it with your own eyeballs and heart. It's a deep meditation on the nature of self-confidence, motherhood and history. It is the book I didn't know I needed. I look forward to reading more Sue Monk Kidd. 

2. The Hemingses of Monticello: An American Family by Annette Gordon-Reed

Annette Gordon-Reed won the 2008 Pulitzer for History and the National Book Award for Nonfiction for this. She thoroughly researched four generations of the African American Hemings family from their African and Virginian origins until the death of Thomas Jefferson their master and the father of Sally Hemings' children. But this book is so much more than that. It's also about the origins of slavery in this country and the structure of racism revealing the stark truth that race is a social construct.

3. Both/And: A Life in Many Worlds by Huma Abedin

Yes, you know Huma. Not to be confused with Amal Clooney British-Lebanese attorney who is married to George Clooney. Huma is an American political operative (aspiring politician?) with Indian and Pakistani heritage that is famous for working with Hillary Clinton and her marriage to disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner. Her exotic looks, eclectic background and ability to stay below the radar made this a thirst quenching read. How did she create such an extraordinary career? Why did she marry and stay married to that guy? She answered all the questions with compassion, grace and vulnerability.

4. This Tender Land by William Kent Krueger

A colleague at my office handed me this book and said read it. I work with engineers, a very smart lot. It is very common for folks to drop books on my desk with one word: READ. This was a difficult novel to get into. It's about a little white boy growing up in one of the Native American conversion schools during the Depression era that have been in the news recently. It's gritty, grueling subject matter. Racism, physical and sexual abuse of MINORS, family secrets and tragedies. Not the sort of book I thought a middle-aged lady at my office would hand me with strong insistence I should read. I trudged through the first several chapters asking myself why this book written, why did Debbie recommend it, and why to me. I also wondered why she liked it. Once you have a child, consuming art that puts children in harm's way can be a harrowing experience. Then one day Albert gets bit by a snake, and everything comes into sharp focus, and you don't want the story to end. 

5. The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

Another book plopped on my desk with instructions to read. This one is about 30-something Nora whose life is filled with disappointment and regret. Feeling rudderless, useless and unaccomplished she tries to commit suicide. Gawd have his mercy. I gave this book, and Candice the side-eye for leaving it on my desk. WTH is this depressing, morose British novel doing on my desk I wondered. My boss also recommended this book, so I got started and WOW! It's about the paths not taken. It's about infinite possibilities. It's about never giving up because success is often just around the bend.

Next time on the Cat Who Swallowed the Canary: What I watched 2021