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| Lao Ma |
Last time on The Cat Who Swallowed the Canary all was right in the world at the Xenite RETREAT. I met and shared a conversation of a lifetime with Steven L. Sears. I asked all my questions and received all the answers, all of them. I was so content with myself, and where the journey led me. I was full and enjoying the emotional high gratitude can produce. I did not think it could get any better. In fact I had no idea what better could look like. The next morning I discovered exactly what better than one of the most exciting evenings of my life feels like.
When I arrived at RETREAT I overheard someone mention that Jacqueline Kim would attend. It was said with such relaxed nonchalance that I did not believe what I heard. I thought it was just something people said for fun at an event such as RETREAT. Ha, I said to myself, "Who else is coming to this, Alti..Xena herself!?" I could not allow myself to think about a live encounter with the actress that played Lao Ma in The Debt I and II. Yet, a small part of me understood that if my heart's deepest desire came into being the night before, then many new possibilities were now part of my reality.
Season three episode six takes us back to warlord Xena. Broken in mind, body and spirit, we see a woman determined and unbowed by her circumstance. Her shattered legs and thirst for blood fueling her rampage. She found a lover in bronzy Borias and has a fairly solid mission to wreak havoc in the land of Chin.
All is going as planned until it is not. Xena is betrayed once again, and this time she is being hunted like wild animal! This is when we learn that the meek Lao Ma, full of deference to her husband, was not her true nature. Watching Lao Ma save Xena and discover the immense power she had over herself and her surroundings was a spiritual awakening for me. That episode showed me how far Xena had come. I learned that Xena did not arrive with all the skills and intensity she possessed in the series naturally. She suffered a great deal. As the opening narration states she was forged in the heat of battle. Those conflicts were not always with exterior enemies. They were oftentimes intense internal struggles. The kind we all experience. Until the Debts, I thought I was alone in my struggles. I thought my suffering was unique. After the Debts I, had an awareness, however slight, that we might all be suffering in our own personal way.
Some of the best Xena episodes are the ones when we get a chance to see her backstory often filled with powerful, enigmatic female characters. Women with a complicated moral compass. Women I saw myself in as I navigated my own complex life. I watched Lao Mao move with the power of the divine feminine. She was more powerful than Xena in mind and spirit. I searched for a long time for my own Lao Ma. A strong female warrior type to teach me and show me the way. It was cold standing in the shadow of many so-called warriors and teachers. I experienced all the joy and deep sadness that goes along with giving away one's power. In those dark days I often thought of Xena and Lao Ma. How perfectly imperfect they were. Angry Xena on the precipice of motherhood. Powerful Lao Ma unable to reveal her true identity to her son. In those women I saw myself, a perplexing mix of conflicting emotions. In Lao Ma I saw someone I could be: a self-actualized energy shifter. A woman in full command of her agency and all the confidence that comes with that awareness.
We did not have the pleasure of understanding much more about Lao Ma's backstory. What we learned later with the twins only confused us more, but I digress. Lao Ma was my totem and/or koan. The character was a symbol of the woman I hoped to be someday, but also a riddle that if I figured out how she became enlightened, it would provoke my own awakening. I wrestled with this idea over the years, with no real answers on how to live the life I wanted. Unaware that my everyday actions were bringing me closer to my aspiration.
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Me and Lao Ma
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And so it happened, on my way back from breakfast, I saw the outline of Jacqueline's solid block LEGO hair. It is full of body, and the strands move as a collective to reveal a flourish of a bright, silvery patch under the top layer. I rubbed my eyes the way sleepy kids do in the movies, fists churning in my face. I chuckled to myself that I was hallucinating. Dearest reader, I was not experiencing hallucinations. This was not like that time in the amazon at the ayahuasca ceremony. This was real. Lao Ma's powers are real!
How can I describe this moment with mere words? Everything up until that point seemed to crumple into a ball of disappointing typewritten paper from the movies. There was a gravitational yank toward her. The combination of Lao Ma's You Came from a Vagina yellow t-shirt glowing in the sun and the scent of the Palo Santo stick she was burning set off an internal humming. It was quiet at first, but became louder as I approached her. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to spin her around and float above the campground wrapped in reams and reams of silky fabrics. I needed to giggle with her as she demonstrated how wisdom and healing can multiply feelings of joy and radiant understanding.
I stepped into the gentle smoke of the Palo Santo as it wafted into the trees, and somehow managed to play it cool. She was chatting with a few other Xenites about Lao Ma. She seemed surprised to hear the impact the role had almost 20 years later. We eagerly shared our stories. And by we I mean I let the others in the group speak because I was still thinking about us flying around in silken fabrics as she taught me everything she knows about telekinesis.
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| She loves boiled eggs too! |
The next day we ended up at breakfast together. Would you believe she loves boiled eggs as much as I do? I watched her exercise the strongest boundaries I have ever seen when various people approached her throughout the day. Boundaries with people are something I am working on getting better at all the time. In many ways Jacqueline the actor/artist was very much a mentor, a wise woman with gifts some obvious, others yet to be known. She taught me how to give while receiving and she reminded me that it is always better to stand in the sun instead of someone's shadow. Among other lessons I learned from her that beloved weekend, she introduced me to Palo Santo. Since that introduction it has brought me some of the wisdom and peace I seek. Until next time on The Cat Who Swallowed the Canary.
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| I posed for Lao Ma as an Oscar at the Cos Play party |
