My Itty Bitty Titties Are Going to Save the World?

When I was a pre-pubescent girl I whispered a not-so-secret secret to my cousin who was also my first best friend. It was late at night and we laid face-to-face in the dark during one of our many sleepovers. Jean I whispered, "I don't think I will have big boobs. Like ever." She sat up in my darkened room quickly, "Yes, you will! You're boobs will come in. Don't worry." 

If you know me then you know those boobs never came "in", to my great dismay. As I approached my fortieth birthday friends began to warn me about my impending first mammogram. When I finally had the courage to listen to them I heard that my small B-cup breasts would be smashed sandwich style in a very threatening machine. 

My first mammogram did not disappoint. There was much to fear. It was terrible. I dreaded every appointment going forward. At my most recent mammogram the technician propositioned me. She told me a fact I already knew; I have dense breasts. I have known this for years. They are petite and dense. Mammograms have a hard time seeing into the tissue. The proposition was to join a medical research study, have an non invasive Automated SoftVue 3D Whole Breast Ultrasound exam and receive $50. Twenty at the first exam and thirty next year at the second.

I was tremendously excited because I watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy before Christina left and the show became too complicated to follow. Christina and Meredith were obsessed with medical research studies and clinical trials. The technician was offering a chance to be part of research study. My itty bitty titties are going to save the world? According to the technician and the literature my breasts are precisely the kind of boobs they need in the study. She promised it would not hurt and described it as a pleasant experience. I am always up for a good time and an adventure. This was a bit of both.

Just before the giggles began.

It was a great experience from start to finish. The technicians at the Imaging Center were skilled, professional and fun. I had to change out of my street clothes because this ultrasound involves lots of warm water. I was never so excited to have a medical exam. Why would I turn down a boob massage of warm water?After I undressed I placed my breasts one at a time in a warm puddle of water while the jelly suction cup under my breast began to apply suction and pressure. It was wider than a nursing baby's mouth, but the same power. Suddenly it felt good, a little too good perhaps. I tried to hold it but, I giggled and later guffawed uncontrollably. It was contagious and soon the technicians were laughing too. It was certainly ticklish, and I will take that sensation over the smashing of the mammogram any day.

Both the mammogram and the SoftVue came back normal. My cousin Jean was wrong about my boobs and a bunch of other stuff that came after puberty. But she was my first best friend, and our relationship set the stage for lots of other women in my life. I love my little community of female friends in my life now. Most of all I never imagined my itty bitty titties could make a difference in breast health for women someday.

The Revolution Is Being Televised

A few months ago I was Hunter's escort at a play date. His friends have a trampoline in their backyard, which is standard in these parts. No playdate is complete unless I am part of the fun. I climbed onto the trampoline enthusiastically. He squealed with glee at the sight of my bouncing. After a few minutes I noticed my panties were wet. Each jump forced out a bit of urine? Yes, that is a question. I was not quite sure it was pee because well I did not feel the urge to go. I reluctantly left the fun, peed and returned. To my utter shock more liquid came out each time I landed. I had no desire to pee. I cut the playdate short to go home to change my pants. At home my pants were wetter than I have ever experienced.

I discussed the events with a few of my female friends and they all agreed that they have similar experiences, but advised I should mention to my gynecologist. Today was that doctor visit. My doctor nodded knowingly as I whispered discreetly that I had trouble holding onto to my urine while on the neighbor's trampoline. She looked me straight in the eye. All her attention focused on me. She was taking this trampoline business seriously. I was not exactly prepared for this level of intensity. Boy did she have news for me:
I have a weak pelvic floor
Been peeing wrong
Kegels should not be quick bursts of squeezing
Physical therapy is an option (digital penetration is part of the deal)
Amazon sells the Apex for $249
And lastly, surgery is also an option

My head spun. That is a long list of options for something as frivolous as trampoline jumping. But it was more the idea that a part of my body is weak that worried me. My allergies leave me wilted most days. I just do not have the energy to be as active as I am wont to do. This has been a source of concern. I love pushing myself physically either through weight training or whatever of the moment martial arts catch my interest. My allergies have slowed me down a bit and I no longer feel strong in my body. THIS. MUST. CHANGE. The change might just need to begin in my vagina.

In addition to the aforementioned Apex and other comments on the list, I remembered the actress Regina Hall speaking about her Yoni egg. I laughed at her shenanigans. I boil eggs, peel eggs and eat eggs. What I do not do with eggs is hold them in my vagina for safekeeping. This will require a great deal more research, but I have to tell you I am intrigued at the promises of not just a stronger pelvic floor, but a super charged love life. Who among us ain't down for some supercharged lovemaking?